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J.M.J.
A.M.D.G.
F.V.T.
An Ecclesiastical, Religious, Devotional, News, and Educational E-Newsletter
Dedicated to Preserving the Authentic Apostolic Tradition of the Catholic Church
On Subjects and Issues of Importance to the Catholic Church and Her Members

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(Matthew 5:14)
Shrine of Saint Jude E-Newsletter


Thanksgiving


"Feed my lambs...
Feed my sheep."
(John 21:15-17)
Contents

Introduction

 
Some of the "First Thanksgivings" in the modern-day U.S.A.
and
Thanksgiving Day as an American National Holiday

All in Chronological Sequence

1st. Thanksgiving Day
of Roman Catholics
In the modern-day U.S.A.
2nd. Thanksgiving Day
of Roman Catholics
In the modern-day U.S.A.
3rd. Thanksgiving Day
of Roman Catholics
In the modern-day U.S.A.
4th. Thanksgiving Day
of Protestants
In the modern-day U.S.A.
Thanksgiving Celebrated
In the United States of America
Animated Thanksgiving Graphics
for
your Web Page or E-Mails or Whatever
Thanksgiving Graphics
for
your Web Page or E-Mails or Whatever


 


 


 


 

Thanksgiving Humor - On the Laugh Side

Thanksgiving Divorce
Turkey Weather
Stuffed Turkey
MMoooo!
Thanksgiving Dinner?
THANKSGIVING BREAK
Turkey Riddles
A Thanksgiving Cookbook
No Thanksgiving Dinner
The Turkey Popped Out of the Oven
True Stories From The Butterball Turkey Hotline
You Burnt the Bird?
Just Say "No" to Bad Practical Jokes
Thanksgiving & Turkey Q & A
A List of things....
Thanksgiving Rolls
Top Ten Signs You've Eaten Too Much at Thanksgiving Dinner
A Turkey Farmer
Thanksgiving Eve Phone Call
Turkey Confession
Turkey Cooking 
Other Uses for Thanksgiving Turkey
The Brat
Thanksgiving-Themed Movies
Thanksgiving Knock-Knocks



Introduction

Thanksgiving, or Thanksgiving Day, is an official holiday of the United States of America.  It is currently celebrated on the fourth Thursday of November.

In Canada, Thanksgiving Day is currently celebrated on the second Monday of October.



Some of the "First Thanksgivings" in the modern-day U.S.A.
and
Thanksgiving Day as an American National Holiday

All in Chronological Sequence

1.Friday, May 23, 1541 A.D., or Thursday, May 29, 1541 A.D. at Palo Duro Canyon in the modern-day Texas Panhandle.  In 1540, General Coronado's expedition traveled North from Mexico City in search of gold. The group camped alongside Palo Duro Canyon, in the modern-day Texas Panhandle, for two weeks in the spring of 1541 A.D.

The Roman Catholic Spanish explorer, General Francisco Vasquez de Coronado, ordered a day of thanksgiving for his 1,500 men.  This thanksgiving celebration, at the Palo Duro Canyon, began when the Roman Catholic Priest, Father Juan Padilla, Offered the Holy Sacrifice of the Catholic Mass.

The Texas Society Daughters of the American Colonists commemorated the event as the "first Thanksgiving" in 1959.

2.Tuesday, June 30, 1564 A.D. near modern-day Jacksonville, Florida.  French Protestant Huguenot colonists celebrated thanksgiving in their settlement.

3.Wednesday, September 8, 1565 A.D.  at modern-day St. Augustine, Florida.  On this Feast Day of the Nativity of the Blessed Virgin Mary, the Roman Catholic Priest, Father Francisco Lopez de Mendoza Grajale, Offered the Holy Sacrifice of the Catholic Mass.  After this Roman Catholic Mass of Thanksgiving, the Roman Catholic Spanish Colonists, along with the Florida Native Tumucuan Indians, feasted together with a Thanksgiving Meal.

4.Thursday, April 30, 1598 A.D. at modern-day San Elizario, El Paso County, Texas, the Holy Sacrifice of the Catholic Mass was Offered by one of the Roman Catholic Franciscan Missionary Priests - most probably Father Cristobal de Salazar, O.F.M. - who was Traveling with the Juan de Oñate Expedition.

5.Thursday, August 9, 1607 A.D.  in modern-day Maine on the shore of the Kennebec River.  English Protestant settlers, led by Captain George Popham, joined Abnaki Indians along Maine's Kennebec River for a harvest feast and a Protestant prayer meeting. These Protestant colonists, living under the Plymouth Company charter, established Fort St. George around the same time as the founding of Virginia's Jamestown colony. Unlike Jamestown, Virginia however, this site was abandoned a year later.

6.  Spring of 1610 A.D.  at Jamestown, in modern-day Virginia.  The harsh Winter of 1609-1610 generated a famine which caused the deaths of 430 of the 490 settlers. In the Spring of 1610, the surviving English Protestant colonists in Jamestown, Virginia, enjoyed a Thanksgiving service after English supply ships arrived with food.

7.  October, 1621 A.D.  at Plymouth Colony, in modern-day Massachusetts.  The Protestant Pilgrims celebrated the Autumn harvest with a three-day feast. Governor William Bradford invited the Chief of the Wampanoag tribe, Massasoit, to join the fifty colonists who had survived the harsh winter. The Native American leader brought ninety of his tribesmen to the feast.

The celebration included athletic contests, a military review led by Miles Standish, and a feast on foods such as wild turkeys, duck, geese, venison, lobsters, clams, bass, corn, green vegetables, and dried fruits.  In 1841, Dr. Alexander Young contended that this harvest celebration was the "first Thanksgiving" and thus the origin of the American Protestant tradition.

This false, erroneous, and anti-historical interpretation gained such widespread acceptance that the real "first Thanksgiving" in the modern-day United States of America on Friday, May 23, 1541 A.D., or Thursday, May 29, 1541 A.D., at Palo Duro Canyon in the modern-day Texas Panhandle, of the Roman Catholic Spanish explorer, General Francisco Vasquez de Coronado's Expedition, which thanksgiving celebration was begun when the Roman Catholic Priest, Father Juan Padilla, Offered the Holy Sacrifice of the Catholic Mass and which was followed by much feasting, has been totally ignored - perhaps because of the deep-seated animosity and bigotry of many American Protestants, Jews, and other non-Catholics against Roman Catholics who also happen to be American citizens.

8.  Monday, July 8, 1630 A.D. at modern-day Gloucester, Massachusetts.  Protestant Governor John Winthrop and the members of the Massachusetts Bay colony at Gloucester, Massachusetts, observed a day of prayer and thanksgiving.  Governor Winthrop intended this Puritan Protestant settlement to be a model Protestant community that would serve as a "city upon a hill."

9.  Thursday, November 23, 1775 A.D.  in the New England Colonies.  On Monday, November 13, 1775, the Boston Gazette and Country Journal published a proclamation for a public thanksgiving from the Massachusetts Council-Chamber in Watertown, Massachusetts:

Altho' in Consequence of the unnatural, cruel and barbarous Measures, adopted and pursued by the British Administration . . . . We have thought fit . . . to appoint THURSDAY the Twenty-third Day of November . . . to be observed as a Day of public THANKSGIVING, throughout the Colony; . . . .

That such a Band of Union, founded upon the best Principles, unites the American Colonies; That our Rights and Priviledges . . . are so far preserved to us, notwithstanding all the Attempts of our barbarous Enemies to deprive us of them. And to offer up humble and fervent Prayers to Almighty GOD, for the whole British Empire; especially for the UNITED AMERICAN COLONIES . . . .

The American New England Colonies ultimately severed all ties with the British Administration with the Declaration of Independence in 1776.

10.  Sunday, November 30, 1777 A.D. in the New England Colonies.  After the U.S. victory over British forces in the October, 1777 Battle of Saratoga, the U.S. Continental Congress recommended that the New England Colonies observe a Day of Thanksgiving. The Commander-in-Chief of the Continental forces, George Washington, issued General Orders setting aside Thursday, December 18, 1777 "for Solemn Thanksgiving and Praise."

All thirteen American Colonies celebrated on Thursday, December 18, 1777 while Connecticut, Massachusetts, New Hampshire, and Vermont sponsored additional thanksgiving observances on separate days. The tradition of thanksgiving days sponsored by the Continental Congress continued through 1784 with proclamations such as the October, 1782 decree.

11.  Saturday, October 3, 1789 A.D.  The first President of the United States, George Washington, proclaimed November 26th to be a day of national thanksgiving and prayer after receiving Congressional requests for such a decree.

He wrote in his Thursday, November 26, 1789 diary entry: "Being the day appointed for a thanksgiving I went to St. Pauls Chapel though it was most inclement and stormy--but few people at Church." President Washington later provided money, food, and beer to debtors spending the holiday in a New York City jail.

Thanksgiving failed to become an annual tradition at this time. Only Presidents Washington, Adams, and Madison declared national days of thanks during their terms. Thomas Jefferson and John Quincy Adams considered the practice to infringe upon the separation of church and state. Governors, on the other hand, especially in the New England states, regularly issued proclamations of thanksgiving.

12.  Thursday, April 13, 1815 A.D.  President James Madison proclaimed a national day of prayer and thanksgiving after the end of the War of 1812. U.S. and British emissaries effectively ended the conflict with the signing of the Treaty of Ghent on Christmas Eve, 1814 in Belgium. The treaty restored the prewar boundaries of the U.S. and Canada, but it did not address British violations on the high seas and the imprisonment of American seamen. A joint commission was appointed to address those other concerns.

During the war, President Madison proclaimed three days of fasting and prayer in response to Congressional requests - Thursday, August 20, 1812, Thursday, September 9, 1813, and Thursday, January 12, 1815.  He was the last President to call for a national thanksgiving until Abraham Lincoln did so in 1863.

13. November, 1846 A.D.  Godey's Lady's Book editor, Sarah Hale, began a letter-writing campaign to establish the last Thursday in November as a national Thanksgiving Day.  Hale began writing essays calling for the national celebration of the holiday as the editor of Boston's Ladies' Magazine in 1827. Godey's merged with Ladies' Magazine in Philadelphia a decade later and Hale's editorials reached an audience of approximately 150,000 people. In 1846, however, she moved beyond her readership and for the next 17 years directly petitioned state and federal officials. Her perseverance yielded increasing response from state governors and other politicians such as Abraham Lincoln's Secretary of State, William Seward.

14.  Thursday, December 26, 1850 A.D.  The Territory of Minnesota celebrated its first Thanksgiving Day on Thursday, December 26, 1850. The whole territory, including all of what is now the State of Minnesota, plus the modern-day Dakotas, as far west as the Missouri River, contained approximately 6,000 settlers.  The book, The Frontier Holiday, describes a spirited celebration. Territory Governor, Alexander Ramsey, proclaimed the Day of Thanks:

Young in years as a community, we have come into the wilderness, in the midst of savage men and uncultivated nature to found a new empire in aid of our pursuit of happiness, and to extend the area of enlightened republican Liberty . . . . Let us in the public temple of religion, by the fireside and family altar, on the prairie and in the forest, join in the expression of our gratitude, of our devotion to the God who brought our fathers safely through the perils of an early revolution, and who thus continues his favors to the remotest colonies of his sons.
Such sentiments were echoed throughout states and territories in the U.S. as Thanksgiving became a national tradition even before it became a national holiday.

15.  1856 A.D.  In 1856, Protestant Puritan leader William Bradford's 1650 manuscript, Of Plimoth Plantation, was published after being lost for about eighty years. The document briefly mentions the Plymouth colony's famous 1621 harvest celebration:

And besids water foule, ther was great store of wild Turkies, of which they took many, besids venison, &c. Besids they had aboute a peck a meale a weeke to a person, or now since harvest, Indean corne to yt proportion.
Another colonial publication, Mourt's Relation, was rediscovered in the 1820's and included Edward Winslow's detailed first-hand account of the feast:
[A]t which time amongst other Recreations, we exercised our Armes, many of the Indians coming amongst vs . . . with some nintie men, whom for three dayes we entertained and feasted, and they went out and killed fiue Deere, which they brought to the Plantation and bestowed upon our Governour, and upon the Captaine, and others.
These documents fueled nineteenth-century interest in the Protestant Puritan colony and also influenced the eventual association of that colony with Thanksgiving Day.

16.  Thursday, November 28, 1861 A.D.  Union and Confederate troops celebrated Thanksgiving Day away from their families during the first year of the Civil War. The conflict threatened to permanently divide the nation. Both the Union and Confederate Congresses called for days of thanksgiving after key military victories throughout the Civil War.

17.  Monday, September 28, 1863 A.D.  Magazine editor Sarah Hale wrote a letter to President Abraham Lincoln encouraging him to proclaim a national Thanksgiving Day. This was part of Hale's seventeen-year campaign to establish Thanksgiving Day as a national holiday.

Hale included an editorial she wrote for her Lady's Book magazine and explained that a "national feeling of Thanksgiving" would benefit the country in the midst of the Civil War:

The influence of these state seasons of sacred remembrances, high aspirations, and tender . . . rejoicings would not only be salutary on the character of our own citizens, but the world would be made better . . . . If the germ of good feeling be ever so deeply buried under 'the cares, and riches, and pleasures of this life,' it may be brought out by sympathy and vivified by culture and effort.


1st. Thanksgiving Day
of Roman Catholics
In the modern-day U.S.A.

Friday, May 23, 1541 A.D., or Thursday, May 29, 1541 A.D.
At Palo Duro Canyon in the modern-day Texas Panhandle


Father Juan Padilla
Offered the Roman Catholic Rite of Mass in Latin
(N.B.  Obviously, this was not the NEW "mass" of April 3, 1969 A.D.!)

Friday, May 23, 1541 A.D., or Thursday, May 29, 1541 A.D.

Some groups claim that General Francisco Vasquez de Coronado celebrated the first Thanksgiving in the Texas Panhandle in the Palo Duro Canyon on Friday, May 23, 1541 A.D.

Thursday, May 29, 1541 A.D. is the alternative date for this first Thanksgiving in the Texas Panhandle in the Palo Duro Canyon.

The Spanish explorer General Francisco Vasquez de Coronado ordered this day of Thanksgiving because, after leading his men from Mexico into the present-day State of Texas in search of gold, they were almost completely out of food when Coronado found the Palo Duro Canyon which was an oasis for them.  A tribe of Native American Indians were also found living on the floor of the Palo Duro Canyon.

In 1959 the Texas Society of the Daughters of the American Colonists commemorated this event as the "first Thanksgiving."


Map Showing the Two Routes Traveled by
The Spanish Explorer Francisco Vasquez de Coronado Expedition
1540 A.D. - 1542 A.D.



2nd. Thanksgiving Day
of Roman Catholics
In the modern-day U.S.A.

Wednesday, September 8, 1565 A.D.
At modern-day St. Augustine, Florida


On the Feast Day of The Nativity of the Blessed Virgin Mary
Wednesday, September 8, 1565 A.D.
Father Francisco Lopez de Mendoza Grajale
Offered the Roman Catholic Rite of Mass in Latin


After this Mass of Thanksgiving, the Spanish Colonists
and with the Florida Native Tumucuan Indians
Feasted Together with a Thanksgiving Meal


 


Father Francisco Lopez de Mendoza Grajale
 


 

St. Augustine, Florida, is the oldest city in the United States of America.  It was founded by Spanish Colonists on the Feast Day of The Nativity of the Blessed Virgin Mary, Wednesday, September 8, 1565 A.D.

The senior Chaplain of Captain-General Pedro Menendez de Avilés' Spanish fleet wrote the following concerning the voyage to Florida from Spain.

"Very often the sea washed completely over the deck where we were gathered, one hundred and twenty men having no other place to go, as there was only one between-deck, and that was full of biscuit, wine, and other provisions."

"... It appears that the storm had injured also our first galley. A severe gust of wind snapped off their foremast, and blew it overboard with the sail and rigging; and, as many of the ropes were fastened to the sheets, it caused the ship to lean so that twice they saw their topmast dip under the waves."

"On Wednesday, the 15th, more than thirty men deserted and concealed themselves around the [Porto Rico] harbor ..."

"When [a Spanish royal dispatch boat] arrived off Mona Island, she was attacked, and compelled to surrender to a French vessel. The enemy boarded her, possessed themselves of all her papers, [and] read the plans for the conquest of Florida."

"On Monday, August 27, while we were near the entrance to the Bahama Channel, God showed to us a miracle from heaven. About nine o'clock in the evening a comet appeared, which showed itself directly above us. It went towards the west, that is, towards Florida. According to the sailors, this was a good omen."

"On Tuesday, the 28th, we had the pleasure of seeing land. We steered in that direction, anchored near a point of land, and found ourselves actually in Florida, and not very far distant from the enemy, which was for us an occasion of great joy."  (Father Francisco Lopez de Mendoza Grajales, Memoir of the Happy Result and Prosperous Voyage of the Fleet commanded by the Illustrious Captain-General Pedro Menendez de Avilés.)

This 10,000 word Memoir was written by Father Francisco Lopez de Mendoza Grajales who was the senior Chaplain of Captain-General Pedro Menendez de Avilés' Spanish fleet.  It recounts the adventures of the two-month voyage which left Spain on Monday, June 28, 1565 A.D. and which saw the coast of Florida on the Feast Day of Saint Augustine, on Saturday, August 28, 1565 A.D.

The dual purpose of this voyage by Captain-General Pedro Menendez de Avilés' Spanish fleet was to oust the French and establish Spanish colonial settlements - this first settlement ended up being called Saint Augustine because it was on the Feast Day of Saint Augustine, August 28, that they saw the coast of Florida for the first time.



3rd. Thanksgiving Day
of Roman Catholics
In the modern-day U.S.A.

Thursday, April 30, 1598 A.D.
At modern-day San Elizario, El Paso County, Texas
The Holy Sacrifice of the Roman Catholic Mass
Was Offered by one of the 10 Franciscan Missionary Priests
Most probably Father Cristobal de Salazar, O.F.M.
Who was Traveling with the Juan de Oñate’s Expedition


Spanish Explorer Don Juan de Oñate Salazar

Thursday, April 30, 1598 A.D.

On Thursday, April 30, 1598 A.D., the Spanish Explorer Don Juan de Oñate Salazar and his Expedition celebrated what is apparently the third Thanksgiving Day in the future United States of America at San Elizario, in El Paso County, Texas.

This Thanksgiving Day came about as the result of the great hardships of this Expedition.

Don Juan de Oñate Salazar’s Expedition began either on Monday, January 26, 1598 A.D., or sometime during March, 1598 A.D.  It consisted of about 400 men, including soldiers, of whom 130 men brought their families with them.  This Expedition also included eighty-three wagons and carts to carry the baggage and provisions, along with about 7,000 head of livestock.  This Expedition began to cross the treacherous sand dunes of the Chihuahuan Desert.

The Chihuahuan Desert is a desert which straddles the border of the United States of America and  Mexico.

On the U.S. side of the border, it occupies the valleys and basins of Central and Southern New Mexico, Texas - West of the Pecos River, and Southeastern Arizona.

On the Mexico side of the border, it covers the Northern half of the Mexican state of Chihuahua, most of Coahuila, the Northeastern portion of Durango, the extreme Northern portion of Zacatecas, and small Western portion of Nuevo León.

Almost from the beginning of their journey, this Spanish Expedition felt the effects of adverse weather conditions.

Shortly after they began their journey, there were seven consecutive days of rain which made travel miserable. This was followed by the extreme hardship of dry weather. Only once did a stray rain shower save the parched throats of the members of this expedition.

During the last five days of this journey, before reaching the Rio Grande River, the Expedition ran out of both food and water.  This forced the men, women and children to search for roots and other scarce desert vegetation to eat. Both humans and animals almost went mad with thirst before the Expedition finally reached the river at which time it was recorded that two horses drank until their stomachs burst, and two other horses drowned in the river in their haste to consume as much water as possible.


Original Route of El Camino Real de Tierra Adentro

Today, the route which the Spanish Explorer Don Juan de Oñate Salazar's Expedition took, is referred to as the famous 1,500 miles long El Camino Real de Tierra Adentro - The Royal Road of the Interior Land - a Spanish roadway which began at Mexico City, Mexico and ended North of the present-day city of Santa Fe, New Mexico.

After this Expedition crossed the Rio Grande River from Mexico into the present-day State of Texas of the United States of America, this Expedition set up camp South of the present-day American city - El Paso, Texas.

After recuperating from this horrible ordeal for 10 days, Don Juan de Oñate Salazar ordered a special Day of Thanksgiving for the survival of the Expedition.

The Holy Sacrifice of the Mass was Offered by one of the ten Franciscan Missionary Priests, most probably Father Cristobal de Salazar, O.F.M., who was traveling with this expedition.

After Mass, the ten Franciscan Missionary Priests Blessed the food which had been cooked and set on tables abundant with ducks and geese which the Spaniards had hunted and the fish which the Native American Indians of this region had caught in the Rio Grande River.

After all had feasted, this Thanksgiving Celebration continued with a play enacting scenes of the native American Indians hearing the first words of the Catholic Faith and receiving the Sacrament of Baptism.

This Thanksgiving Celebration concluded with the Spanish Explorer, Don Juan de Oñate Salazar, reading the La Toma - The Taking - which declared the land drained by the Great River - the Rio Grande River-  to be the possession of King Philip II of Spain.

A member of the Expedition wrote about this Thanksgiving Day:

“We built a great bonfire and roasted the meat and fish, and then all sat down to a repast the like of which we had never enjoyed before..... We were happy that our trials were over; as happy as were the passengers in the Ark when they saw the dove returning with the olive branch in his beak, bringing tidings that the deluge had subsided.”
Afterwards, the Spanish Explorer Don Juan de Oñate Salazar and his expedition continued up the Rio Grande River and eventually settled near Santa Fé, New Mexico.

Some historians claim that Thursday, April 30, 1598 A.D. is one of the real important dates in the history of America because it marked the beginning of the actual Spanish colonization of the present-day American Southwest.

Historically, when the English Protestants established Jamestown, Virginia and Plymouth, Massachusetts in the early 17th Century, Santa Fé, New Mexico was but one of hundreds of towns the Spanish already had established in what would become the modern-day United States of America.



4th. Thanksgiving Day
of Protestants
In the modern-day U.S.A.

October, 1621 A.D.
At Plymouth Colony, in modern-day Massachusetts

October, 1621 A.D.

One day during October, 1621 A.D. at Plymouth Colony, in modern-day Massachusetts, the Protestant Pilgrims celebrated the Autumn harvest with a three-day feast. Governor William Bradford invited the Chief of the Wampanoag tribe, Massasoit, to join the fifty colonists who had survived the harsh winter. The Native American leader brought ninety of his tribesmen to the feast.

The celebration included athletic contests, a military review led by Miles Standish, and a feast on foods such as wild turkeys, duck, geese, venison, lobsters, clams, bass, corn, green vegetables, and dried fruits.  In 1841, Dr. Alexander Young contended that this harvest celebration was the "first Thanksgiving" and thus the origin of the American Protestant tradition.

Actually, this Thanksgiving Day was not the first, but at least the seventh, to be held in the modern-day United States of America.  It was predated not only by three Roman Catholic "First Thanksgiving" Days in three different geographical locations in what is now the modern-day United States of America, but it was even predated by three Protestant "First Thanksgiving Days, which were also held in three different geographical locations in what is now the modern-day United States of America!  So much for Dr. Alexander Young's extremely extensive knowledge of the early history of what is now the modern-day United States of America!!!  Dr. Young was obviously not only extremely prejudiced against the three previous Roman Catholic "First Thanksgiving" Days, but also even against the three previous Protestant "First Thanksgiving" Days!!!!

This false, erroneous, religiously biased, and anti-historical interpretation gained such widespread acceptance that the real "first Thanksgiving" in the modern-day United States of America on Friday, May 23, 1541 A.D., or Thursday, May 29, 1541 A.D., at Palo Duro Canyon in the modern-day Texas Panhandle, of the Roman Catholic Spanish explorer, General Francisco Vasquez de Coronado's Expedition, which thanksgiving celebration was begun when the Roman Catholic Priest, Father Juan Padilla, Offered the Holy Sacrifice of the Catholic Mass and which was followed by much feasting, has been totally ignored - perhaps because of the deep-seated animosity and bigotry of many American Protestants, Jews, and other non-Catholics against Roman Catholics who also happen to be American citizens.



Thanksgiving Celebrated
In the United States of America

Introduction

Most Roman Catholics have never been taught the History of the Roman Catholic Church, most especially of the Roman Catholic Church in what is today the United States of America.

Of the tiny minority who have been so Blessed, some of them think that it is not just and not right and not fair for Roman Catholics to celebrate the prospering of a Protestant Puritan sect that established a Calvinist theocracy in the Massachusetts Bay Colony which mercilessly persecuted Roman Catholics, just as this Protestant sect had previously persecuted their fellow Protestants - Anglicans - in England because the Anglicans are too "popish" for such Protestant Calvinistic Puritans filled with the bitter zeal of anti-Catholic hatred, bigotry, and discrimination!


Freemason President George Washington

Unfortunately, many of the founding fathers of the United States of America were Freemasons - an organization devoted to the total destruction of the Roman Catholic Church.

Hence, it is only logical that such Freemasons would be wont to promote a "Thanksgiving" originally celebrated by a Protestant sect that is filled with the bitter zeal of anti-Catholic hatred, bigotry, and discrimination!


Roman Catholic Archbishop
Saint Anthony Mary Claret, C.M.F., D.D.
A Council Father at Vatican I

Few Roman Catholics have been taught how Roman Catholic Archbishop Saint Anthony Mary Claret, C.M.F., D.D., one of the Council Fathers of Vatican I, discovered the Freemasonic plot to blow up Saint Peter's Basilica in 1869 during the formal opening of Roman Catholic Council Vatican I.


Saint Peter's Basilica - Vatican City - Rome, Italy

The dynamite that had been smuggled into - and under - Saint Peter's Basilica was discovered shortly before it was scheduled to be used to kill the Pope and all of the Cardinals and other Prelates (Archbishops, Bishops, etc.) attending Roman Catholic Council Vatican I in 1869 by a massive explosion which would have totally destroyed Saint Peter's Basilica!

Therefore, Roman Catholics should not be surprised that books on American History, which have been written by Freemasons and/or other anti-Catholics, omit almost all mention of the Spanish explorations of the Southern parts of the United States of America from Florida to Texas to California.

Part of this history of the Roman Catholic Church Missionaries in the modern-day States of Florida, Texas, New Mexico, Arizona, and California includes at least three Roman Catholic "First Thanksgivings" which pre-date the fourth Protestant "First Thanksgiving" which was held sometime during the month of October, 1621 A.D. at Plymouth Colony, in the modern-day State of Massachusetts and which has become the one and only official "First Thanksgiving" of the United States Government.

As you will remember from the above, each one of these three Roman Catholic "First Thanksgivings", all three of which pre-date the October, 1621 A.D. anti-Catholic Protestant bigot's "First Thanksgiving" at Plymouth Colony, was begun by a Roman Catholic Priest Offering the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass in Thanksgiving to God for His help and Blessings in their very difficult struggles, and then - and only then - was each Holy Mass followed by a feast of food, are:

Friday, May 23, 1541 A.D., or Thursday, May 29, 1541 A.D. at Palo Duro Canyon in the modern-day Texas Panhandle.  The Holy Sacrifice of the Catholic Mass was offered by the Roman Catholic Priest, Father Juan Padilla who was part of the General Francisco Vasquez de Coronado Expedition.  This "First Thanksgiving" of Roman Catholics in what is now the modern-day United States of America pre-dates the October, 1621 A.D. anti-Catholic Protestant bigots' "First Thanksgiving" at Plymouth Colony, in the modern-day State of Massachusetts, by 80 years!

Wednesday, September 8, 1565 A.D.  at modern-day St. Augustine, Florida.  The Holy Sacrifice of the Catholic Mass was offered by the Roman Catholic Priest, Father Francisco Lopez de Mendoza Grajale on the Feast Day of the Nativity of the Blessed Virgin Mary.  Father Lopez de Mendoza was part of the General Pedro Menendez de Avilés Expedition.  This "Second Thanksgiving" of Roman Catholics in what is now the modern-day United States of America pre-dates the October, 1621 A.D. anti-Catholic Protestant bigots' "First Thanksgiving" at Plymouth Colony, in the modern-day State of Massachusetts, by 56 years!

Thursday, April 30, 1598 A.D. at modern-day San Elizario, El Paso County, Texas, the Holy Sacrifice of the Catholic Mass was Offered by one of the Roman Catholic Franciscan Missionary Priests - most probably Father Cristobal de Salazar, O.F.M. - who was part of the Juan de Oñate Expedition.  This "Third Thanksgiving" of Roman Catholics in what is now the modern-day United States of America pre-dates the October, 1621 A.D. anti-Catholic Protestant bigots' "First Thanksgiving" at Plymouth Colony, in the modern-day State of Massachusetts, by 23 years!

Official Thanksgiving Day Celebration in the U.S.A.
Officially today, in the United States of America, Thanksgiving Day is a four day weekend which usually marks a pause in school and college calendars. Thanksgiving meals are traditionally family events where certain kinds of food are served.

First and foremost, turkey is the featured item in most Thanksgiving feasts - so much so that Thanksgiving is sometimes called "Turkey Day". Stuffing, mashed potatoes with gravy, sweet potatoes, cranberry sauce, corn, turnips, yams and pumpkin pie are commonly associated with Thanksgiving dinner.

Official National Thanksgiving Day Proclamations in the U.S.A.


Continental Congress

The first official Thanksgiving Proclamation made in America was issued by the Continental Congress in 1777. Six national Proclamations of Thanksgiving were issued in the first thirty years after the founding of the United States of America as an independent federation of States.

The Freemason, President George Washington, issued two, President John Adams issued two, President Thomas Jefferson made none and President James Madison issued two. In 1789 Washington designated a national thanksgiving holiday for the newly ratified Constitution, specifically so that the people may thank God for "affording them an opportunity peaceably to establish a form of government for their safety and happiness" and for having "been enabled to establish constitutions of government for our safety and happiness, and particularly the national One now lately instituted, for the civil and religious liberty with which we are blessed..."

After 1815 there were no more Thanksgiving Day Proclamations until the Presidency of Abraham Lincoln, who made two during the Civil War. He declared Thanksgiving Day a Federal holiday as a "prayerful day of Thanksgiving" on the last Thursday in November.

Since then every U.S. President has always made an official Thanksgiving Day Proclamation on behalf of the nation.


32nd President of the United States of America
Franklin Delano Roosevelt

President Franklin Delano Roosevelt [b. January 30, 1882 - d. April 12, 1945] set the date for Thanksgiving to the fourth Thursday of November in 1939 A.D. which was approved by the U.S. Congress in 1941 A.D.




Animated Thanksgiving Graphics
for
Your Web Page or E-Mails or Whatever


 


 



Thanksgiving Graphics
for
Your Web Page or E-Mails or Whatever




zxzzxz




Thanksgiving Humor - On the Laugh Side

A joyful mind maketh age flourishing:
A sorrowful spirit drieth up the bones.
Proverbs 17:22



 


 




 


 


 






 
Can You Believe It??!!

 Clean Humor 

A Special "Thank You" to S.P. and to C.N. for this Submission!


Give me a sense of humor, Lord.
Give me the ability to understand a clean joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And to pass it on to other folk.



Laughter

A Special "Thank You" to T.T for this Submission!

“Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves.
They shall never cease to be greatly amused.”


A DAY WITHOUT LAUGHTER
IS A DAY WASTED!!!

A Special "Thank You" to C.N.for this Submission!


THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR.
A DAY WITHOUT LAUGHTER IS A DAY WASTED!!!

 


Thanksgiving Divorce

A Special "Thank You" to D.J. for this Submission!


A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says,"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,"

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."


Turkey Weather

A Special "Thank You" to G.W. for this Submission!

Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F.  The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.

During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.

A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway.  During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.

Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established.  Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day.  We expect a warming trend where soup develops.  By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.


 Stuffed Turkey

A Special "Thank You" to W.A.for this Submission!


Baby Bruno was sitting in his grandmother's kitchen,
watching her prepare the Thanksgiving meal.

"What are you doing?" Bruno asked.

"Oh, I'm just stuffing the turkey," his grandmother replied.

"That's cool!" Bruno said.
"Are you going to hang it next to the deer?"
 


MMoooo!

A Special "Thank You" to W.W. for this Submission!



Thanksgiving Dinner?

A Special "Thank You" to R.R. for this Submission!

We gathered together to eat some raw turkey
Cuz Mother forgot you should thaw it out first.
The gravy was lumpy and daddy was grumpy
We stifled our laughs til we thought we would burst.

The Jello was runny, the corn tasted funny,
The biscuits you couldn’t cut through with a knife.
The yam casserole overflowed the big bowl;
This was the worst dinner I’d seen in my life

Our mother had taken some pieces of bacon
And crumbled them up in the cold pumpkin soup.
The scalloped tomatoes were like scorched potatoes.
She’d made enough slaw for a whole boy scout troop.

Then mom started cryin, but there’s no denyin’
Our Thanksgiving dinner had lost its appeal.
Mom said, “That’s enough,”she got up in a huff,
Then cleared off the table and served us oatmeal.
 



THANKSGIVING BREAK

A Special "Thank You" to D.J. for this Submission!

THE TOP TEN REASONS COLLEGE STUDENTS ARE LOOKING FORWARD TO THANKSGIVING BREAK

10. You'll know that your turkey is a Butterball rather than a Grade E yet semi-edible fur ball

9. Your mother will not be serving your mashed potatoes and stuffing with an ice cream scooper

8. Pumpkin pie is a great alternative to green jello

7. After your eighth glass of cider, your emergency dash to the bathroom will not be delayed by having to line the seat with toilet paper

6. Clean underwear, comfortable bed, access to a car, bedroom larger than a 12x14 cell... OK, even if it is for only four days

5. To eat your meals the only trek you'll have to make is from the couch to the kitchen, rather than the dorm to the dining hall...in below freezing weather

4. Instead of listening to "when I first started teaching here..." you can be entertained by "when your mother was your age..." and "during the Depression we weren't lucky enough to have brussels sprouts.  Gee, all we could afford was the sprout!"

3. You can eat your corn steamed with butter rather than popped in your microwave

2. You'll know the hair in the shower drain is your own

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON COLLEGE STUDENTS ARE LOOKING FORWARD TO THANKSGIVING...

(drum roll, please...)

1. You won't be eating your Thanksgiving meal off a tray!


Turkey Riddles

A Special "Thank You" to S.V. for this Submission!

What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children?
If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!

Why do Pilgrims have trouble keeping their pants up?
'Cause they wear their belts on their hats!

What is the difference between a chicken and a turkey?
Chickens celebrate Thanksgiving!!

What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin pi.

What is the Turkey's favorite black tie celebration?
The Butter Ball

How does a Turkey drink her wine?
In a gobble-let

How many turkeys does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one but it takes 5 hours.

What's a turkey's favorite song?
"I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas."

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims.

Did you hear about the X-rated turkey?
It's served with very little dressing.

What do you get when you cross a turkey, the beach, and Broomhilda?
A turkey sand-witch

What kind of music did Pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock!

Which side of the turkey has the most feathers?
The outside!

Why do turkeys eat so little?
Because they are always stuffed!

What did the turkey do in the Thanksgiving Day Parade?
He played his drumsticks!


A Thanksgiving Cookbook

A Special "Thank You" to W.W. for this Submission!

A Thanksgiving Cookbook
by
Mrs. Geraghty's Kindergarten Class

N.B.: Mrs. Geraghty will not be responsible for medical bills resulting from use of her cookbook

Ivette - Banana Pie:
You buy some bananas and crust. Then you mash them up and put them in the pie. Then you eat it.

Russell - Turkey:
You cut the turkey up and put it in the oven for ten minutes and 300 degrees. You put gravy on it and eat it.

Geremy - Turkey:
You buy the turkey and take the paper off. Then you put it in the refrigerator and take it back out and cut it with a knife and make sure all the wires are out and take out the neck and heart. Then you put it in a big pan and cook it for half an hour at 80 degrees. Then you invite people over and eat.

Andrew - Pizza:
Buy some dough, some cheese and pepperoni. Then you cook it for 10 hours at 5 degrees. Then you eat it.

Shelby - Applesauce:
Go to the store and buy some apples, and then you squish them up. Then you put them in a jar that says, "Applesauce". Then you eat it.

Meghan H. - Turkey:
You cut it into 16 pieces and then you leave it in the oven for 15 minutes and 4 degrees. you take it out and let it cool and then after 5 minutes, then you eat it.

Danny - Turkey:
You put some salt on it to make it taste good. Then you put it in the oven. Then you cook it for an hour at 5 degrees. Then you eat it.

Brandon - Turkey:
First you buy it at Fred Meyer. Then you cut it up and cook it for 15 hours at 200 degrees. Then you take it out and eat it.

Megan K - Chicken:
You put it in the oven for 25 minutes and 25 degrees and put gravy on it and eat it.

Christa - Cookies:
Buy some dough and smash it and cut them out. Then put them in the oven for 2 hours at 100 degrees. Then take them out and dry them off. Then it's time to eat them.

Irene - Turkey:
Put it on a plate and put it in the oven with gravy. You cook it for 1 minute and for 100 degrees. Then it's all cooked. Your mom or dad cuts it and then eat.

Moriah - Turkey:
First you cut the bones out. Then you put it in the oven for 10 hours at 600 degrees. Then you put it on the table and eat it.

Vincent - Turkey:
You cut and put sauce on it. Then you cook it for 18 minutes at 19 degrees. Then you eat it with stuffing.

Jordyn - Turkey:
First you have to cut it up and put it on a plate in the oven for 9 minutes and 18 degrees. Then you dig it out of the oven and eat it.

Grace - Turkey:
First you add some salt. Then you put it in a bowl. Then you put brown sugar on it. Then you mix it all together with a spoon and then you add some milk and mix it again. And then you put it in a pan. Then you put it in the oven for 15 minutes and 16 degrees. Then you take it out of the oven and then you eat it.

Alan - Turkey:
First you shoot it and then you cut it. And then you put it in the oven and cook it for 10 minutes and 20 degrees. You put it on plates and then you eat it.

Jordan Salvatore- Turkey:
First you put it in the oven for 15 minutes at 100 degrees. Then you cut it up and then you eat it.

Jordan Simons - Chocolate Pudding:
Buy some chocolate pudding mix. Then you add the milk. Then you add the pudding mix. Then you stir it. Then you put it in the refrigerator and wait for it to get hard. Then you eat it.

Whitney - Turkey:
Cut it and put it in the oven for 50 minutes at 60 degrees and then you eat it.

Jason - Chicken Pie:
Put the chicken in the pot and put the salad and cheese and mustard and then you mix it all together. Then put chicken sauce and stir it all around again. Then you cook it for 5 minutes at 9 degrees. Then you eat it.

Christopher - Pumpkin Pie:
First you buy a pumpkin and smash it. Then it is all done. And you cook it in the oven for 12 minutes and 4 degrees. Then you eat it.

Christine - Turkey:
First you buy the turkey. Then you cook it for 5 hours and 5 degrees. Then you cut it up and you eat it.

Ashley - Chicken:
Put it in the oven. Then cut it up. Then I eat it.

Jennie - Corn:
My mom buys it. Then you throw it. Then you cook it. Then you eat it.

Jordan - Cranberry Pie:
Put cranberry juice in it. Then you put berries in it. Then you put dough in it. Then you bake it. Then you eat it.

Adam - Pumpkin Pie:
First you put pumpkin seeds in it. Put it in a pan and bake it at 5 degrees for 6 minutes. Then take it out and eat it.

Jarryd - Deer Jerky:
Put it in the oven overnight at 20 degrees. Then you go hunting and bring it with you. Then you eat it.

Christina - Turkey:
Get the turkey. Put it in the oven. Cook it for 43 minutes at 35 degrees. Put it on a plate, cut it up, then eat it.

Joplyn - Apple Pie:
Take some apples, mash them up. Take some bread and make a pie with it. Get some dough and squish it. Shape the dough into a pie shape. Put the apples in it. Then bake it at 9 degrees for 15 minutes.

Isabelle - Spaghetti:
Put those red things in it. Then put the spaghetti in it. Then cook it in the oven for 2 minutes at 8 degrees.

Bailey - Chicken:
Put pepper and spices on it. Cook for one hour at 60 degrees. Then eat it.

Nicholas - White and Brown Pudding:
First you read the wrapper. Get a piece of water. Stir. Then you eat it.

Sean - Turkey:
Put it in the oven for 5 minutes at 55 degrees. Take it out and eat it.

Lauren - Turkey:
First you find a turkey and kill it. Cut it open. Put it in a pan. Pour milk in the pan. Put a little chicken with it. Put salsa on it. Take out of pan.  Put it on the board. Cut into little pieces. Put on a rack. Put in the oven for 7 minutes at 10 degrees. Take out of the oven and put teensy weensy bit of sugar on it. Put a little more salsa on it. Then you eat it.

Olivia - Corn:
Get hot water and put on stove. Wait for 8 minutes. Put corn in. Then put it on a plate. Then eat.

Siera - Pumpkin Pie:
Get some pumpkin and dough for the crust. Get pumpkin pie cinnamon. Cook it for 20 minutes at 10 degrees.

Kayla - Turkey:
Buy it. Take it home. Then you cook it. Put it in the oven for 1 hour. Take it out of the oven. Put it on a plate. Then you eat it.

Tommy - Pumpkin:
Cook the pumpkin. Then get ready to eat the pumpkin

Wai - Pumpkin Pie:
Get a pumpkin. Cook it. Eat it.


No Thanksgiving Dinner

A Special "Thank You" to B.W. for this Submission!

Tis the night before Thanksgiving and all through our house
No turkey is baking; I feel like a louse,
For I am all nestled, so snug in my bed;
I’m not gettin’ up and I’m not bakin’ bread.

No pies in my oven, no cranberry sauce
Cuz I give the orders, and I am the boss.
When out in the kitchen, there arose such a clatter
I almost got up to see what was the matter.

As I drew in my head and was tossing around
To the bed came my husband, he grimaced, he frowned.
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
He scared me to death and I thought, “Here he goes!”

He spoke not a word as he threw back my quilt
And the look that he gave was intended to wilt.
So up to the ceiling my pillows he threw
I knew I had had it, his face had turned blue.

“You prancer, you dodger, you’re lazy, you vixen
Out yonder in kitchen, Thanksgiving you’re fixin.”
But he heard me explain, with my face in a pout:
"I'm just plain too tired and we're eating out!"


The Turkey Popped Out of the Oven

A Special "Thank You" to G.G. for this Submission!


The Turkey popped out of the oven
and rocketed in to the air;
It knocked every plate off the table
and partly demolished a chair.
It ricocheted into a corner
and burst with a deafening boom,
Then splattered all over the kitchen,
completely obscuring the room.
It stuck to the walls and the windows,
it totally coated the floor,
There was turkey attached to the ceiling,
where there had never been turkey before..
It blanketed every appliance,
it smeared every saucer and bowl;
There wasn't a way I could stop it;
that turkey was out of control.
I scraped and I scraped with displeasure
and thought with chagrin as I mopped,
That I would never again stuff a turkey
with popcorn that hadn't been popped.


True Stories From
The Butterball Turkey Hotline

A Special "Thank You" to W.W. for this Submission!

True Stories From The Butterball Turkey Hotline,
where people call to get advice
how to cook a Turkey from the experts

Thanksgiving Dinner on the run. A woman called 1-800-323-4848 to find out how long it would take to roast her turkey. To answer the question, the Talk-Line home economist asked how much the bird weighed. The woman responded, "I don't know, it's still running around outside."

Tofu turkey? No matter how you slice it, Thanksgiving just isn't Thanksgiving without turkey. A restaurant owner in California wanted to know how to roast a turkey for a vegetarian menu

Then there's the time a lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
 



You Burnt the Bird?

A Special "Thank You" to G.B. for this Submission!

The Silver Lining to the Burning Question
You Burnt the Bird?
A Dozen Reasons to Be Thankful!

Salmonella won't be a concern
No one will overeat.
Everyone will think it's Cajun Blackened.
Uninvited guests will think twice next year.
Your cheese broccoli lima bean casserole will gain newly found appreciation.
Pets won't pester you for scraps.
The smoke alarm was due for a test.
Carving the bird will provide a good cardiovascular workout.
After dinner, the guys can take the bird to the yard and play football.
The less turkey Uncle George eats, the less likely he will be to walk around with his pants unbuttoned.
You'll get to the desserts quicker.
You won't have to face three weeks of turkey sandwiches.


Just Say "No" to Bad Practical Jokes
This One Is A Real Turkey

A Special "Thank You" to G.B. for this Submission!

One year at Thanksgiving my Mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store.

When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish game hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She put it back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, " Patricia, you killed a pregnant bird!"

At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. It took the whole family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs.



Thanksgiving & Turkey Q & A

A Special "Thank You" to W.W. for this Submission!

How do you keep a turkey in suspense?
I'll tell you at Christmas.

Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was the chicken's day off.

What key has legs and can't open doors?
Tur-key.

What sound does a space turkey make?
Hubble, hubble, hubble.

Why do turkeys always go "gobble, gobble"?
Because they never learned good table manners!

Asked to write a composition entitled, "What I'm thankful for on Thanksgiving," little Timothy wrote:
"I am thankfull that I'm not a turkey."

Why should you keep your eyes off the turkey dressing?
It makes him blush!!!!

Why did they let the turkey join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks.

How did the Mayflower show that it liked America?
It hugged the shore.

Why did the police arrest the turkey?
They suspected it of fowl play.

What did the turkey say before it was roasted?
Boy! I'm stuffed!

What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian?
He had an arrow escape

Why did the Indian chief wear so many feathers?
To keep his wigwam.


A List of things....

A Special "Thank You" to W.W. for this Submission!

Planning a weekend of entertaining guest, I made a list of things I needed to do, Including taking food out of the freezer and grocery shopping.

As it happened, a friend whom I have been promising to take to lunch asked If we could make it that Friday. So, hopping into the car, I taped my list to the dash-board and went to picked her up.

As she settled into the car her face dropped.

"Thanks a lot!" she cried.

Then I glanced at my list and saw the first item:  "Take out the Turkey."


Thanksgiving Rolls

A Special "Thank You" to D.J. for this Submission!


While helping with Thanksgiving dinner, Becky, 10, was told to put the brown and serve rolls in the oven.

Holding a roll, she asked with great concern: "It says - separate the brown and serve rolls.  Which are the browns and which are the serves?  They all look alike!"
 



Top Ten Signs You've Eaten Too Much
at Thanksgiving Dinner

A Special "Thank You" to D.D. for this Submission!


10. Hundreds of volunteers have started to stack sandbags around you.

9. Doctor tells you your weight would be perfect for a man 17 feet tall.

8. You are responsible for a slight, but measurable shift, in the earth's axis.

7. Right this minute you're laughing up pie on the carpet.

6. You decide to take a little nap and wake up in mid-July.

5. World's fattest man sends you a telegram, warning you to "back off!"

4. CBS tells you to lose weight or else.

3. Getting off your couch requires help from the fire department.

2. Every escalator you step on immediately grinds to a halt.

1. You're sweatin' gravy.



A Turkey Farmer

A Special "Thank You" to G.G. for this Submission!

A turkey farmer was always experimenting with breeding to perfect a better turkey. His family was fond of the leg portion for dinner and there were never enough legs for everyone.

After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating the results of his efforts to his friends at the general store get together.

He explained:  "Well I finally did it! I bred a turkey that has 6 legs!"

They all asked the farmer how it tasted.

"I don't know" said the farmer. "I can never catch that thing!"
 



Thanksgiving Eve Phone Call

A Special "Thank You" to R.R. for this Submission!

It was the evening before the Thanksgiving Holiday Weekend, and I was busy making pies and the like for the dinner the following day, when the phone rang.

I answered and a young man's voice responded with: "Mom, it's me, I am down at the bus station. Will you come and pick me up?"

Not knowing what had happened that one of my 3 sons would arrive on the bus, I asked him: "well, who is this?"

The young man answered: "It's me, Mom, Joe."

I replied, "Oh dear, I'm sorry, I'm afraid you have the wrong Mother."


 Turkey Confession

A Special "Thank You" to S.T.for this Submission!


Going into the Confessional with a turkey under his arm, Brian began: "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole this turkey to feed my family. Would you take it to settle my guilt?"

"Certainly not," said the Priest. "As penance, you must return it to the one from whom you stole it."

"I tried," Brian sobbed, "but he refused. Oh, Father, what should I do?"

"If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to keep it for your family."

Thanking the Priest, Brian hurried off.

When Confessions were over, the Priest returned to his residence. When he walked into the kitchen, he found that someone had stolen his turkey.
 



Turkey Cooking 

A Special "Thank You" to D.G. for this Submission!

Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey (scotch)
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 16: Floor the turkey up off of the pick
Step 17: Turk the carvey
Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out.


Other Uses for Thanksgiving Turkey

A Special "Thank You" to W.W. for this Submission!

As a blunt object to fend off your pesky cousins with.

As a projectile to throw at the TV after Kathie Lee says, "Aren't they a wonderful band!" for the 25th time.

As a hood ornament.

As a disguise so your ugly Aunt Beatrice can't kiss you and say, "How much you've grown!"

As a football for the after-meal game.

One word... bowling!

As yet another object to drop from the top of the dorm to test the range of the splatter upon impact.

As a gift/bribe for a professor.

As a Christmas gift (avoid the holiday crowds this way!)

As a doorstop to keep your relatives out.

Makes a great doggie chew toy.

Fill it with whip cream - watch the fun.

If you're flying home, take the carcass as a carry-on. See what it looks like in the X-ray machine. Better yet, put it in a pet carrier and asked the flight attendant for some chicken feed.

Wear as a helmet, declaring, "I'm TURKEYMAN!"

Place a speaker inside the bird, and from another room, amaze your guests with this talking foul!

Throw the turkey out the window yelling, "You're FREE! Fly! FLY!"

Two words: Turkey puppet.
 



The Brat

A Special "Thank You" to G.G. for this Submission!

Thanksgiving day was approaching.

The family had received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family on their way to church.

Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren, observing: "The Pilgrim children liked to go to church with their mothers and fathers."

Oh yeah?" her young grandson replied, "so why is their Dad carrying that rifle?"


Thanksgiving-Themed Movies

A Special "Thank You" to B.W. for this Submission!


14> To Kill A Walking Bird

13> My Best Friend's Dressing

12> The Texas Coleslaw Massacre

11> Casserolablanca

10> The Fabulous Baster Boys

9> 12 Hungry Men

8> Silence of the Yams

7> For Love of The Game Hen

6> I Know What You Ate Last Winter

5> All the President's Menu

4> White Meat Can't Jump

3> When Harry Met Salad

2> The Story of U.S.

.....  and the Number 1 Upcoming Thanksgiving-Themed Movie......

1> The Wing and I



Thanksgiving Knock-Knocks

A Special "Thank You" to W.W. for this Submission!

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Gladys.
Gladys who?
Gladys Thanksgiving! Aren't you?

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Harry.
Harry who?
Harry up! I'm starved!

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Dewey.
Dewey who?
Dewey have to wait long to eat?

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Luke.
Luke who?
Luke at all the food!

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Odette.
Odette who?
Odette's a big turkey!

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Phillip.
Phillip who?
Phillip a big plate and dig in!

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Emma.
Emma who?
Emma real pig when it comes to eating Turkey!

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Esther.
Esther who?
Esther any more gravy?

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive the stuffing too!

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Aaron.
Aaron who?
Arron you having more cranberry sauce?

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Don.
Don who?
Don eat all the stuffing, I want some more!

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Arthur.
Arthur who?
Arthur any more sweet potatoes?

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Alma.
Alma who?
Alma dinner's gone. May I have dessert?

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Wanda.
Wanda who?
Wanda piece of pumpkin pie?

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Norma Lee.
Norma Lee who?
Norma Lee I don't eat this much!

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
General Lee.
General Lee who?
General Lee I don't either!

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Aida.
Aida who?
Aida lot more than I should have!

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Tamara.
Tamara who?
Tamara we'll have turkey leftovers!


 

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