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Humor - On the Laugh Side


Humor - On the Laugh Side
A joyful mind maketh age flourishing:
A sorrowful spirit drieth up the bones.
Proverbs 17:22






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ALL the clean jokes, puns, wit, etc. have been used up!
Please send your "Clean" jokes only, humor, witticisms, etc. so this section has ONLY humor, then click the link below and send them to:

 Clean Humor 


A Special "Thank You" to S.P. and to C.N. for the Same Submission!

Give me a sense of humor, Lord.
Give me the ability to understand a clean joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And to pass it on to other folk.



Laughter

A Special "Thank You" to T.T for this Submission!


“Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves.
They shall never cease to be greatly amused.”


A DAY WITHOUT LAUGHTER
IS A DAY WASTED!!!


A Special "Thank You" to C.N.for this Submission!

THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR.
A DAY WITHOUT LAUGHTER IS A DAY WASTED!!!


DON'T STOP LAUGHING!!!


A Special "Thank You" to C.N.for this Submission!
 

You don't stop laughing because you grow old
You grow old because you stop laughing!!!



Humor - On the Laugh Side


 
 


 


 

An Antidote
 

Catholic Clergy Haircuts
 

Culture of the Homeland
 

Do You Believe?
 

Farm Boys
 

How Did You Know When to Take the Collection?
 

Keep your eyes open...
 

NOT a mosquito!
 

Old Irish Nun
 

Our country will come together .... When - -
 

Phone Humor

RETARDED GRANDPARENTS
 

The Holy Alphabet
 

What Causes Arthritis?
 

What made Noe the world's best businessman?
 


An Antidote

A Special "Thank You" to C.N. for this Submission!
 

Here’s a antidote to all the horrible stuff on the news lately. Take notes.


Catholic Clergy Haircuts

A Special "Thank You" to T.T. for this Submission!


A Franciscan Monk goes to get a haircut.  After the haircut, he then asks the barber what he owes. The barber tells him that he never charges Catholic Clergy. The Franciscan thanks the barber and returns to his monastery. The following day, the barber finds a big basket of fresh bread from the Franciscans' kitchen.

An Augustinian Monk gets a haircut by the same barber. The barber likewise tells the Monk that he never charges Catholic Clergy. The following morning, the barber gets a bottle of wine from the Augustinians' wine cellar.

A Jesuit goes to the same barber for his haircut.  The Jesuit is told by the barber that he never charges Catholic Clergy for a haircut. The next day, arriving at his barber shop, the barber find 15 Jesuits waiting for their haircuts.


Culture of the Homeland

A Special "Thank You" to C.N. for this Submission!


A Jewish businessman in Brooklyn decided to send his son to Israel to absorb some of the culture of the homeland.  When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip.

The son said:  "Pop, I had a great time in Israel.  By the way, I converted to Christianity."

"Oh, my," said the father. What have I done?"

He decided to go ask his friend Jacob what to do.

Jake said: "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi and ask him what we should do."

So they went to see the rabbi.

The rabbi said: "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel.  He also came back a Christian. What is happening to our young people? Perhaps we should go talk to God and ask him what to do."

The three of them prayed and explained what had happened to their sons and asked God what to do.

Suddenly a voice came loud and clear from Heaven.

The Voice said:  "Funny you should ask. I, too, sent my Son to Israel ...."


Do You Believe?

A Special "Thank You" to C.N. for this Submission!



Do You Believe?
Holy image appears behind child battling leukemia.

KIRTLAND, OH (WOIO)

Believer or not, the image behind Erin Potter, a Kirtland girl battling leukemia, is stunning. It certainly stunned her mom.

"My reaction immediately, it's Mary, they hear us, she's there," Jen Potter said.

The picture of Erin, running with sparklers, was taken in her backyard by a friend just after the family learned that Erin's cancer was back, for the third time, and she was facing a second bone marrow transplant.

"I didn't necessarily see it as a sign that Erin is fine and is going to walk out of this, but it's a sign that we're watching over her," Jen added.

19 Action News has documented Erin's cancer battle before. Kevin Potter, her father, actually introduced President Obama at a campaign stop, as the president spoke of the family's fight to stay insured to keep alive the fight for Erin.

Just after the picture was taken, Erin had that transplant, and right now, she's cancer-free.

"So you guys know people are going to be skeptical and that doesn't necessarily bother you?" asked Reporter Brian Duffy. "You want people to believe whatever it is they want to believe when they see that picture."

"I know she's not alone, I know we are not alone and people who don't want to believe it, that's OK," said Kevin Potter. "Whatever happened, you know something powerful and special was there with us."

"I definitely have my moments when I'm falling apart and I'm terrified and I literally grab my phone and I stare at that picture."


Farm Boys

A Special "Thank You" to C.N. for this Submission!


You can never underestimate the inventiveness of Saskatchewan Farm Boys:

At a high school in the small town of Wadena in Saskatchewan, a group of farm boy students decided to play a prank.

They let three goats run loose inside the school during school hours. Before turning them loose, they painted numbers on the sides of the goats: 1, 2 and 4.

School Administrators spent most of the day looking for- - - No. 3.

Now that's funny, I don't care who you are....

And you thought there was nothing to do in Saskatchewan!



 How Did You Know When to Take the Collection?

A Special "Thank You" to R.J. for this Submission!
Dominic was a 20 year old young man who was visiting some relatives who invited him to attend a Catholic Traditional Mass with them the next day - Sunday.

Upon arriving at the Church, it was discovered that the elderly usher, who also took the collection, was ill at his home and unable to fulfill his duties as an usher and taking the collection.

Upon hearing this, Dominic, the 20 year old visitor, volunteered to perform the duties of an usher and also take the collection because he did this in his new church where everything was in English.

After the Mass, and the family was returning home with Dominic, he was asked how he knew when to take the collection?

Of course, being a Catholic Traditional Mass, the Mass was all in Latin.

Dominic explained it was not a problem. "Why not?" the family enquired.

Dominic said:  "I just did what the Priest told me to do when, during the Mass, the Priest turned his back to the Altar and facing me said:  Dominic, go frisk 'em!"

[Editor's note:  Now is that what Dominus vobiscum really sounds like way in the back of the church?]


 Keep your eyes open...

A Special "Thank You" to C.N. for this Submission!


The United States Border Patrol is asking citizens to keep on the lookout for a red 1951 Chevy that they
suspect is being used to smuggle illegal immigrants across the border from Mexico and into points along the U.S. border.  If you see the vehicle pictured below and have reason to believe that it is the suspect vehicle, you are urged to contact the Los Angeles Police Department or the U.S. Border Patrol.


NOT a mosquito!

A Special "Thank You" to C.N. for this Submission!


Amazing…………?? The new eye in the sky.....as if they weren't already doing that!


This Is Not A Mosquito!! Look closely....................Incredible

Is this a mosquito? NO!

It's an insect spy drone for urban areas, already in production, funded by the US Government. It can be remotely controlled and is equipped with a camera and a microphone. It can land on you, and it may have the potential to take a DNA sample or leave RFID tracking nanotechnology on your skin. It can fly through an open window, or it can attach to your clothing until you take it in your home. Given their propensity to request macro-sized drones for surveillance, one is left with little doubt that police and military may look into these gadgets next.

(And to think we were worried about West Nile virus!)

Wonder if it makes any sound.....


Old Irish Nun

A Special "Thank You" to C.N. for this Submission!


In a convent in Ireland, the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying.

The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it.  One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her lips. The frail nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down  to the last drop.

As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader.

" Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us."

She raised herself up in bed on one elbow, looked at them and said: " DON'T SELL THAT COW!"


Our  country will come together .... When - -

A Special "Thank You" to C.N. for this Submission!


A father wanted to read a magazine but was being bothered by his little girl.  She wanted to know what the United States looked like.  Finally, he tore a sheet out of his new magazine on which was printed the map of the country.

Tearing it into small pieces, he gave it to her and said, "Go into the other room and see if you can
put this together".

After a few minutes, she returned and handed him the map, correctly fitted and taped together.

The father was surprised and asked how she had finished so quickly.....

"Oh", she said, "on the other side of the paper is a picture of Jesus.  When I got all of Jesus back where He belonged, then our country just came together".

Sooo........

When we get Jesus back where He Belongs—
Our country will come together!


Today (2015) TV has not changed very much since 1961 when Newton Minow, the head of the Federal Communications Commission said:  Television is a Vast Wasteland.

I knew broadcasters would not be happy. My favorite response was from the Hollywood producer Sherwood Schwartz, who named the sinking ship in Gilligan’s Island after me.  (Newton Minow,)


Gilligan's Island Cast


Phone Humor

A Special "Thank You" to S.L. for this Submission!


Joe:  What are you watching on TV?

Sharon:  I'm channel surfing.

Joe:  Did you find anything good to watch?

Sharon:  No.  Why should I expect anything good on TV this time of the morning (2:30 a.m.), if prime-time isn't so hot eilther!


Even Whistler's Mother Agrees!


Television is STILL a Vast Wasteland!


RETARDED GRANDPARENTS

A Special "Thank You" to P.S. for this Submission!


RETARDED GRANDPARENTS
(this was actually reported by a teacher)

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.

They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Batemans Bay where everyone lives in nice little houses, and so they don't have to mow the grass anymore!

They ride around on their bicycles and scooters and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now.

They do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.

There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.

At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it.

He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts!

Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night --- early birds.

Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house.

The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.

When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.

PRICELESS!

[Editor's Note:  P.S.  Died in a hospital yesterday from cancer of the lungs.  Please say a prayer for him.  On behalf of his family:  Thank You!  God Bless You!]


The Holy Alphabet

A Special "Thank You" to C.N. for this Submission!


Although things are not perfect
Because of trial or pain
Continue in thanksgiving
Do not begin to blame
Even when the times are hard
Fierce winds are bound to blow
God is forever able
Hold on to what you know
Imagine life without His love
Joy would cease
Keep thanking Him for all the things
Love imparts to thee
Move out of "Camp Complaining"
No weapon that is known
On earth can yield the power
Praise can do alone
Quit looking at the future
Redeem the time at hand
Start every day with worship
To "thank" is a command
Until we see Him coming
Victorious in the sky
We'll run the race with gratitude
Xalting God most high
Yes, there'll be good times and yes some will be bad, but...
Zion waits in glory...where none are ever sad!

PS: GOD LOVES YOU...PASS THE WORD ON TO MORE FRIENDS AND ASK THEM TO CONTINUE TELLING OTHERS THAT GOD LOVES THEM TOO. JUST THINK OF HOW MANY PEOPLE THAT COULD BE REACHED OUT TO AND BLESSED WITH THESE WORDS.

The one who kneels to the Lord can stand up to anything.

Love and peace be with you forever, Amen.


What Causes Arthritis?

A Special "Thank You" to C.N. for this Submission!


A drunk man, who smelled of beer, sat down on a subway next to a Priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes, the man turned to the Priest and asked:  "Say Father, what  causes arthritis?"

The Priest replied:  "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes, and lack of a bath."

The drunk muttered in response: "Well,  I'll be d#@*^d!”

Then the drunk returned to his paper and continued reading.

The Priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.

"I'm very sorry.  I didn't mean to come on so strong.  How long have you had arthritis?"

The drunken man answered: "I don't have it, Father.  I was just reading here that Pope Francis does."


What made Noe the world's best businessman?

A Special "Thank You" to G.B. for this Submission!


What made Noe the world's best businessman?

He floated his stock while everybody else was being liquidated.

 
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