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Most Holy Rosary Web Page |
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Please
send your "Clean" jokes only, humor, witticisms, etc. so this section has
ONLY humor, then click the link below and send them to:
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Give me a sense of humor,
Lord.
Give me the ability to
understand a clean joke,
To get some humor out of
life,
And to pass it on to other
folk.
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“Blessed are those who can
laugh at themselves.
They shall never cease
to be greatly amused.”
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IS A DAY WASTED!!! |
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THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS
AS THEY APPEAR.
A DAY WITHOUT LAUGHTER
IS A DAY WASTED!!!
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You don't stop laughing
because you grow old
You grow old because you
stop laughing!!!
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7
Reasons Not To Mess With Children
Church Ladies With typewriters... Again! Nominee for E-Mail of the Year |
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A little girl was talking
to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible
for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large
mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah
was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale
could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl
said, “When I get to heaven, I will ask Jonah.” The teacher asked, “What
if Jonah went to hell?” The little girl replied, “Then you ask him.”
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.” The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.” Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, “They will in a minute.”
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year old’s. After explaining the commandment to “honor” thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?” Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, “Thou shall not kill.”
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, “Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?” Her mother replied, “Well, every time you do something wrong and make me unhappy or cry, one of my hairs turns white.” The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, “Mummy, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?”
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. “Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, He’s a doctor.’” A small voice at the back of the room rang out, “And there’s the teacher, she’s dead.”
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, “Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.” “Yes,” the class said. “Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?” A little fellow shouted, “’cause your feet ain’t empty.”
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: “Take only ONE. God is watching.” Moving farther along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”
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After being married
for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her slowly...then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."
She asks, "What does that mean?"
He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.”
She smiled happily and said, "Oh, that's so lovely..... What about I, J, K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"
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A Husband and his Wife
were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The Husband gets
up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring
rain, is asking for a push.
“Not a chance”, says the husband, “it is 3:00 in the morning!”
He slams the door and returns to bed.
“Who was that?” asked his Wife.
“Just some drunk guy asking for a push,” he answers.
“Did you help him?” she asks.
“No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!”
“Well, you have a short memory,” says his Wife. “Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too.”
The Husband does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark: “Hello, are you still there?”
“Yes,” comes back the answer.
“Do you still need a push?” calls out the Husband.
“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.
“Where are you?” asks the Husband.
“Over here on the swing set,” replied the drunk.
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Are you aware that Jeff
Foxworthy is now picking on Michigan? Read on . . .
1. If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 18 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, you might live in Michigan.
2. If you're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each year because Pellston is the coldest spot in the nation, you might live in Michigan.
3. If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March, you might live in Michigan.
4. If you instinctively walk like a penguin for five months out of the year, you might live in Michigan.
5. If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don't work there, you might live in Michigan.
6. If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, you might live in Michigan.
7. If you have worn shorts and a coat at the same time, you might live in Michigan.
8. If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might live in Michigan.
9. If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in Michigan.
10. If you do the Polka into the wee hours of the morning, you might live in Michigan.
11. If you bring along fly repellant when planning your visit to Mackinaw Island, you might live in Michigan.
12. If you attach a bicycle flag to the driver's side of the front bumper of your vehicle so that others can see your bright orange flag over the 6' snow piles to avoid an accident at the intersection to which you cautiously cruise up to at 2 mph, you might live in Northern Michigan.
13. If you get stuck in the snow in your own driveway, and you are using chains, you might live almost anywhere in Michigan.
14. If you have a gas surcharge added to your grocery bill, you might live in Northern Michigan.
15. If you only drive your snowmobile to the local store in the winter, you might live in Northern Michigan.
16. If you are kneeling in front of a gigantic Crucifix, you are in Michigan.
17. If you are driving north on I-75 in the snow season, and you see anywhere from two to six snowmobiles on a snowmobile trailer, being pulled by a vehicle, you are in Michigan.
18. If you are driving around dawn or dusk, and you have one person who is a "spotter", watching for deer crossing the road, you might live in Michigan.
19. If you are driving on I-75 in the snow season, and you see anywhere from two to six snowmobiles on a snowmobile trailer, being pulled by a vehicle, you might live in Michigan.
20. If you are going North on Woodward Avenue, and you have just made it to 12 Mile Road, and you are saying your prayers of Thanksgiving to Saint Theresa as you pass by her Shrine, you are definitely in Michigan.
Part 2 - You know you're a true MICHIGANDER when . . .
1. "Vacation" means going up north on I-75.
2. You measure distance in hours.
3. You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.
4. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
5. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.
6. You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including weddings).
7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
8. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.
9. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
10. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
11. You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction.
12. You can identify a Southern or Eastern accent.
13. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce.
14. You were unaware that there is a legal drinking age.
15. Down South to you means ZEROLAND ( Ohio ).
16. A brat is something you eat.
17. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new pole barn.
18. You go out to fish fry every Friday.
19. Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.
20. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
21. You find "0" degrees "a little chilly."
22. You drink pop and bake with soda.
23. Your doctor tells you to drink Vernors and you know it's not medicine.
24. You can actually drink
Vernors without coughing!
25. You know what a Yooper is.
26. You think owning a Honda is Un-American.
27. You know that UP is a place, not a direction.
28. You know it's possible to live in a thumb.
29. You understand that when visiting Detroit, the best thing to wear is a Kevlar vest.
30. You actually understand
these jokes, and you send an E-Mail with a link to this web page to all
of your great Michigan friends! 
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This is one of the best
clean jokes I've seen in awhile!
Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer.
They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.
Finally fed up, God said: "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused.
They faxed.
They e-mailed.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did spreadsheets!
They wrote reports.
They created labels and
cards.
They created charts and
graphs.
They did some genealogy
reports.
They did every job known
to man.
Jesus worked with Heavenly
efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.
Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.
Jesus just sighed.
Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers.
Satan started searching frantically, screaming: "It's gone! It's all GONE! I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.
Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait!", he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated! How come He has all His work and I don't have any?"
God just shrugged and said:
JESUS SAVES!!!
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It was a busy morning,
about 8:30, when an elderly gentleman in his 80’s arrived to have stitches
removed from his thumb.
He said he was in a hurry as he had an appointment at 9:00 a.m.
I took his vital signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be over an hour before someone would to able to see him.
I saw him looking at his watch and decided, since I was not busy with another patient, I would evaluate his wound.
On exam, it was well healed, so I talked to one of the doctors, got the needed supplies to remove his sutures and redress his wound.
While taking care of his wound, I asked him if he had another doctor’s appointment this morning, as he was in such a hurry.
The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife. I inquired as to her health.
He told me that she had been there for a while and that she was a victim of Alzheimer’s Disease.
As we talked, I asked if she would be upset if he was a bit late.
He replied that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognized him in five years now.
I was surprised, and asked him, “And you still go every morning, even though she doesn’t know who you are?”
He smiled as he patted my hand and said,
“She doesn’t know me, but I still know who she is.”
I had to hold back tears as he left, I had goose bumps on my arm, and thought,
“That is the kind of love I want in my life.”
True love is neither physical, nor romantic.
True love is an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be, and will not be.
With all the jokes and fun that are in e-mails, sometimes there is one that comes along that has an important message.
This one I thought I could share with you.
The happiest people don’t necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the best of everything they have.
I hope you share this with someone you care about. I just did.
We are all getting Older.
Tomorrow it may be our
turn.
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Ever feel like you are
so busy, but don't get anything done?
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Any of You who have
ties to New England will appreciate this!!
God was missing for six days. Eventually, Saint Michael the Archangel,found Him, resting on the seventh day.
Saint Michael the Archangel inquired:
"Where have you been?"God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds:
"Look, Saint Michael! Look at what I've made."Saint Michael the Archangel looked puzzled, and said:
"What is it?""It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."
"Balance?", inquired Saint Michael the Archangel. "I'm still confused."
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth:
"For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things."
God continued pointing to different countries:
"This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
Saint Michael the Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a small green land area jutting into the sea between the Bay of Fundy and the Atlantic Ocean, and asked:
"What's that one?"God answered:
"That's New England, the most beautiful place on earth. There is rolling countryside changing colour with every season, rivers and streams, lakes for fishing, forests, hills, and all around the ocean and beautiful beaches. The people from New England are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of many good things."Saint Michael the Archangel gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked:
"But, God, what about balance? You said there would be balance."God smiled:
"Not very far from New England is a place called Washington, D.C...... Wait till you see the idiots I put there!"
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Each Friday night after
work, Ole would fire up his outdoor grill on the shore of Big Stone Lake
and cook a venison steak.
But, all of Ole’s neighbors were Catholic... And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.
The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks wafted over Ortonville all the way to Clinton, and was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.
The Priest came to visit Ole, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Ole attended Mass..... and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said: “You were born a Lutheran, and raised a Lutheran, but now you are a Catholic."
Ole’s neighbors were relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.
The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Ole’s yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.
There stood Ole, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: “You vuz born a deer, you vuz raised a deer, but now you is a walleye.”
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HERE'S THE REASON.......
WHY OUR HEALTH CARE COSTS ARE SO HIGH!!!
Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line?
Here's what happened to Bubba:
Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.
Bubba said: "Shingles".
So, she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later, a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said: "Shingles".
So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said: "Shingles".
So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said: "Shingles".
The doctor asked: "Where?"
Bubba said: "Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??"
HOPE THIS MAKES YOU LAUGH OUT LOUD LIKE I DID.... THAT'S WHY I HAD TO SEND THIS TO YOU....THESE DAYS WE NEED ALL THE LAUGHS WE CAN GET!!!!
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They’re Back! Those
wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters.
These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins
or were announced in church services:
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water”. The sermon tonight: “Searching for Jesus”.
Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say “Hell” to someone who doesn’t care much about you.
Don’t let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
Miss Charlene Mason sang “I will not pass this way again,” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What Is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 P.M. - prayer and medication to follow.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 A.M. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. Is done.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 P.M. Please use the back door.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 P.M. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 P.M. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
The Associate Minister unveiled
the church’s new campaign slogan last Sunday:
“I Upped My Pledge - So
Up Yours”.
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Dear Computer Fans: Don't let your precious life end this way!
Computer addicts never die... they just go offline.
XXXHave
a nice day!XXX
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"Excuse me, Are you
Jesus?"
A few years ago a group of salesmen went to a regional sales convention in Chicago.
They had assured their wives that they would be home in plenty of time for Friday night's dinner. In their rush, with tickets and briefcases, one of these salesmen inadvertently kicked over a table which held a display of apples. Apples flew everywhere. Without stopping or looking back, they all managed to reach the plane in time for their nearly-missed boarding.
ALL BUT ONE!!! He paused, took a deep breath, got in touch with his feelings, and experienced a twinge of compassion for the girl whose apple stand had been overturned.
He told his buddies to go on without him, waved good-bye, told one of them to call his Wife when they arrived at their home destination and explain his taking a later flight. Then he returned to the terminal where the apples were all over the terminal floor.
He was glad he did.
The 16-year-old girl was totally blind! She was softly crying, tears running down her cheeks in frustration, and, at the same time, helplessly groping for her spilled produce as the crowd swirled about her; no one stopping and no one to care for her plight.
The salesman knelt on the floor with her, gathered up the apples, put them back on the table and helped organize her display. As he did this, he noticed that many of them had become battered and bruised; these he set aside in another basket.
When he had finished, he pulled out his wallet and said to the girl: "Here, please take this $40 for the damage we did. Are you okay?"
She nodded through her tears.. He continued on with, "I hope we didn't spoil your day too badly."
As the salesman started to walk away, the bewildered blind girl called out to him, "Mister...."
He paused and turned to look back into those blind eyes . She continued, "Are you Jesus?"
He stopped in mid-stride, and he wondered. Then slowly he made his way to catch the later flight with that question burning and bouncing about in his soul: "Are you Jesus?"
Do people mistake you for Jesus? That's our destiny, is it not? To be so much like Jesus that people cannot tell the difference as we live and interact with a world that is blind to His love, life and grace.
If we claim to know Him, we should live, walk and act as He would. Knowing Him is more than simply quoting Scripture and going to church. It's actually living the Word as life unfolds day to day.
You are the apple of His eye even though we, too, have been bruised by a fall. He stopped what He was doing and picked up you and me on a hill called Calvary and paid in full for our damaged fruit.
Please share this, IF you feel led to do so. IF not, that's ok too. Sometimes we just take things for granted, when we really need to be sharing what we know.
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GOD:
Frank, you know all about
gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet?
What happened to the dandelions, violets, milkweeds and stuff I started
eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow
in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar
from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees, and flocks
of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colours by now. But, all
I see are these green rectangles.
ST. FRANCIS:
It's the tribes that settled
there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers "weeds"
and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.
GOD:
Grass? But, it's so boring.
It's not colourful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees; only
grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites
really want all that grass growing there?
ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently so, Lord. They
go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring
by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the
lawn.
GOD:
The spring rains and warm
weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites
happy.
ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently not, Lord. As
soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes twice a week.
GOD:
They cut it? Do they then
bale it like hay?
ST. FRANCIS:
Not exactly, Lord. Most
of them rake it up and put it in bags.
GOD:
They bag it? Why? Is it
a cash crop? Do they sell it?
ST. FRANCIS:
No, Sir, just the opposite.
They pay to throw it away.
GOD:
Now, let me get this straight.
They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut
it off and pay to throw it away?
ST. FRANCIS:
Yes, Sir.
GOD:
These Suburbanites must
be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the
heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.
ST. FRANCIS:
You aren't going to believe
this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and
pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get
rid of it.
GOD:
What nonsense. At least
they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do
say so Myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and
shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a
natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and
bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.
ST. FRANCIS:
You better sit down, Lord..
The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they
rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.
GOD:
No!? What do they do to
protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and
loose?
ST. FRANCIS:
After throwing away the
leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul
it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.
GOD:
And where do they get this
mulch?
ST. FRANCIS:
They cut down trees and
grind them up to make the mulch.
GOD:
Enough! I don't want to
think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts.
What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?
ST. CATHERINE:
"Dumb and Dumber", Lord. It's a story about....
GOD:
Never mind, I think I just
heard the whole story from St. Francis.
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A Father was approached by his small Son who told him proudly: “I know what the Bible means!”
His Father smiled and replied: “What do you mean, you ‘know’ what the Bible means?”
The Son replied: “I do know!”
“Okay,” said his Father. “What does the Bible mean?”
“That’s easy, Daddy...” the young Boy replied excitedly: “It stands for ‘Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.’ (This one is my favorite)
There was a very gracious Lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her Brother in another part of the country.
“Is there anything breakable in here?” asked the postal clerk.
“Only the Ten Commandments.” answered the Lady.
“Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world.
There are those who wake up in the morning and say: “Good morning, Lord!”
and......
There are those who wake up in the morning and say, “Good Lord, its morning.”
Father Joe parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn’t find a space with a meter.
Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: “I have circled the block 10 times. If I don’t park here, I’ll miss my appointment. ‘Forgive us our trespasses’.”
When he returned, he found a citation from a Police Officer along with this note:
“I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I’ll lose my job. ‘Lead us not into temptation’.”
There is the story of Father George who made an announcement to his Congregation one Sunday after his Sermon at both the 8:00 a.m. Mass and the 10:00 a.m. Mass.
Father said: “I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets.”
While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign:
“Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust.”
A Sunday School Teacher began her lesson with a question:
“Boys and girls, what do we know about God?”
A hand shot up in the air.
“He is an artist!” said the Kindergarten Boy.
“Really? How do you know?” The Teacher asked.
You know: “Our Father, Who does art in Heaven...”
Father John waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him.
Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. “Reverend,” said the young man, “I’m so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip.”
Father John chuckled: “I know what you mean. It’s the same in my business.”
People want:
| The front of the bus.
The back of the church. The center of attention. |
Sunday, after the 10:30 a.m. Mass, a Mom asked her very young Daughter what the 9:00 a.m. Catechism Class Lesson was about.
Her Daughter answered: “Don't be scared, you’ll get your quilt.”
Needless to say, this Mother was perplexed. Later in the day, Sister Mary Bernard stopped by for tea and the Mother asked her what the 9:00 a.m. Catechism Class Lesson was about.
Sister Mary Bernard answered:
“Be not afraid, thy Comforter is coming.”
A Protestant Minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask his Congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.
While pondering this problem, yet another problem popped up!
The regular Organist had called in sick a half hour before the service and he needed to find a substitute organist post haste!
His Wife knew a Lady who had been an organist at another church before she moved to the city in which this church was located.
His Wife called this Lady who drove over to the church and arrived ten minutes before the service.
The Minister said to this Lady: “Here’s a copy of the service. But, you’ll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.”
Then it happened!!!
During the service, the Minister paused and said: “Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty. The roof repairs are costing us twice as much money as we had expected. We desperately need an additional $4,000.00 more in the collection today!”
“Those of you who can pledge at least $100.00 or more, please stand up.”
At that moment, the substitute Organist played:
“The Star Spangled Banner”!
And this is how the substitute Organist became the regular Organist!
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This is the best Maxine
ever !
Maxine on Jesus ----- This
is so great, you will love it.
I've always enjoyed Maxine but this is different than any I've seen before!
This doesn't get around as much as the other Maxine cartoons...
But, it should!!
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After being interviewed by the school administration,the prospective teacher said:
"Let me see if I've got this right:
You want me to go into that room with all those kids to:
correct their disruptive behavior,You also want me to:
observe them for signs of abuse,
monitor their dress habits,
censor their T-shirt messages, and
instill in them a love for learning.
check their backpacks for weapons,In addition, you want me to teach them:
wage war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, and
raise their sense of self-esteem and personal pride.
patriotism,Furthermore, you want me to:
good citizenship,
sportsmanship,
fair play,
how to register to vote,
balance a checkbook, and
apply for a job.
check their heads for lice,You want me to do all of this with:
recognize signs of antisocial behavior, and
make sure that they all pass the final exams,
provide them with an equal education regardless of their handicaps,
communicate regularly with their parents in:English,
Spanish,
Asian,
or any other language,by:letter,
telephone,
newsletter, and
report card.
a piece of chalk,
a blackboard,
a bulletin board,
a few books,
a big smile, and
a starting salary that qualifies me for food stamps.
You
want me to do all of this and then you tell me... I CAN'T PRAY?!"
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Polish Kids: ANYTHING RING TRUE?
American kids: Move out
when they're 18 with the full support of their parents.
Polish kids: Move out when
they're 28, having saved enough money for a house, and are two weeks away
from getting married....unless there's room in the basement for the newlyweds.
American kids: When their
Mom visits them, she brings a Bundt cake, and you sip coffee and chat.
Polish kids: When their
Mom visits them, she brings 3 days worth of food, begins to tidy up the
house, and dust, do the laundry, and rearrange the furniture.
American kids: Their dads
always call before they come over to visit them -- and it's usually only
on special occasions.
Polish kids: Are not at
all fazed when their dads show up, unannounced, on a Saturday morning at
8:00, and start painting the window frames or mowing the lawn.
American kids: Always pay
retail, and look in the Yellow Pages when they need to have something done.
Polish kids: Call their
dad or uncle, and ask for another dad's or uncle's phone number to get
it done...cash deal. Know what I mean??
American kids: Will come
home for cake and coffee, and get only cake and coffee. No more.
Polish kids: Will come
home and get cabbage rolls, pirogi, roast chicken, salad, bread,
fruit, and cheesecake, as well as a few before, during and after dinner
drinks.
American kids: Will greet
you with "Hello" or "Hi."
Polish kids: Will give
you a big hug, a kiss on your cheek, and a pat on your back.
American kids: Call the
Polish kid's parents "Mr. and Mrs.".
Polish kids: Call your
parents Mom and Dad.
American kids: Have never
seen you cry.
Polish kids: Cry with you.
American kids: Borrow your
stuff for a few days and then return it.
Polish kids: Keep your
stuff for so long, they forget it's yours.
American kids: Will eat
at your dinner table and leave.
Polish kids: Will spend
hours there, talking, laughing, and just being together.
American kids: Know few
things about you.
Polish kids: Could write
a book with direct quotes from you.
American kids: Eat peanut
butter and jelly sandwiches on soft mushy white bread.
Polish kids: Eat kielbasa
sandwiches with horseradish and dill pickles on caraway rye bread.
American kids: Will leave
you behind if that's what the crowd is doing.
Polish kids: Will kick
the asses of the whole crowd who left you behind.
American kids: Are for a
while.
Polish kids: Are for life.
American kids: Think that
being Polish is cool.
Polish kids: KNOW that
being Polish is cool.
American kids: Will ignore
this.
Polish kids: Will send
the link for this.
You can bet your dupa!
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SURPRISE, IT AIN'T FOR HORSES!
You will probably wonder
now every time
you see a load of hay going
down the highway....
What if the hiding place
had illegals,
terrorists, or maybe even
a dirty bomb?
What if Arizona wasn't as concerned as it is???
GO GET 'EM ARIZONA!
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A single guy decided
life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and
told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion,
he finally bought a talking centipede, which came in a little white box
to use for his house.
He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him. So he asked the centipede in the box, “Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time."
But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again, “How about going to church with me and receive blessings?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.
This time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about God?"
This time, a little voice came out of the box:
"I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes!"
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This is all so true...in
1939 I was paid $2.00 a week to be a nanny. Then in 1941 I
hit the big time and was paid 39 CENTS an hour in a factory inspecting
some kind of parts (we never knew what they were for) for some kind of
equipment for THE WAR. I had enough money to buy a new pair of shoes
for $2.00. A lot can happen in nearly 100 years, huh?
Comments made in the year
1955!
That's only 56 years ago!?
“I’ll tell you one thing,
if things
keep going the way they
are,
it’s going to be impossible
to
buy a week’s groceries
for $10.00. “
“Have you seen the new
cars
coming out next year?
It won’t
be long before $1,000.00
will
only buy a used one.”
1949 Chevrolet Fleetline
“If cigarettes keep going
up in
price, I’m going to quit;
20 cents
a pack is ridiculous. “
“Did you hear the post
office is
thinking about charging
7 cents
just to mail a letter.”
“If they raise the minimum
wage
to $1.00, nobody will be
able to
hire outside help at the
store.”
“When I first started driving,
who
would have thought gas
would
someday cost 25 cents a
gallon.
Guess we’d be better off
leaving
the car in the garage.”
“I’m afraid to send my
kids to the
movies any more.
Ever since they
let Clark Gable get by
with saying
“D**N” in “GONE WITH THE
WIND”,
it seems every new movie
has
either “H**L” or “D**N”
in it.”
“I read the other day where
some scientist
thinks it’s possible to
put a man on the moon
by the end of the century.
They even have some fellows
they call
astronauts preparing for
it down in Texas .”
“Did you see where some
baseball
player just signed a contract
for
$50,000 a year just to
play ball?
It wouldn’t surprise me
if someday
they’ll be making more
than the President.”
“I never thought I’d see
the day
all our kitchen appliances
would be electric.
They are even making electric
typewriters now.”
“It’s too bad things are
so tough nowadays.
I see where a few married
women
are having to work to make
ends meet.”
“It won’t be long before
young
couples are going to have
to hire
someone to watch their
kids so
they can both work.”
“I’m afraid the Volkswagen
car
is going to open the door
to a
whole lot of foreign business.”
“Thank goodness I won’t
live
to see the day when the
Government
takes half our income in
taxes.
I sometimes wonder if we
are
electing the best people
to government.”
“The drive-in restaurant
is
convenient in nice weather,
but I seriously doubt they
will ever catch on.”
“There is no sense going
on
short trips anymore for
a weekend.
It costs nearly $2.00 a
night to stay in a hotel.”
“No one can afford to be
sick anymore.
At $15.00 a day in the
hospital,
it’s too rich for my blood.”
“If they think I’ll pay
30 cents for a hair cut,
forget it.”
Know any friends
who would get a
kick out of these,
pass them on!
Be sure to send a link
to your kids and grandkids,
too!
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Thanks For Reading!
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Copyright © 1990
- 2011 A.D. by Cordi-Marian Fathers. All Rights Reserved under international
copyright conventions. Nothing on this page or on any of the other pages
linked by this web page or on this entire web site may be used or reproduced
in any manner or by any mechanical or electronic means, which includes
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