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Humor - On the Laugh Side


Humor - On the Laugh Side
A joyful mind maketh age flourishing:
A sorrowful spirit drieth up the bones.
Proverbs 17:22






HELP!!
ALL the clean jokes, puns, wit, etc. have been used up!
Please send your "Clean" jokes only, humor, witticisms, etc. so this section has ONLY humor, then click the link below and send them to:


 Clean Humor 


A Special "Thank You" to S.P. and to C.N. for the Same Submission!
 

Give me a sense of humor, Lord.
Give me the ability to understand a clean joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And to pass it on to other folk.



Laughter

A Special "Thank You" to T.T for this Submission!


“Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves.
They shall never cease to be greatly amused.”


A DAY WITHOUT LAUGHTER
IS A DAY WASTED!!!


A Special "Thank You" to C.N.for this Submission!
 

THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR.
A DAY WITHOUT LAUGHTER IS A DAY WASTED!!!


DON'T STOP LAUGHING!!!


A Special "Thank You" to C.N.for this Submission!
 

You don't stop laughing because you grow old
You grow old because you stop laughing!!!



Humor - On theLaughSide


 
 


 
 


 
 


 
 


 


 


 

7 Reasons Not To Mess With Children

A B C D E F G......

A Drunken Stranger

AHHHH!!!! Michigan

A Little Christian Humor

An Appointment

A Nun Grading Papers

Are you busy?

Balance

Baptism by Beer - A 13th Century Practice Condemned by Pope Gregory IX

Born a Lutheran

Bubba had shingles

"Christian" one-liners..............

Church Ladies With typewriters... Again!

Dear Computer Fans

"Excuse me, Are you Jesus?"

God on Lawn Care

Hey, Wasn't This Us?

Holy Humor

Imposter

Maxine on Jesus

Mom's Teachings Remembered

Nominee for E-Mail of the Year

Polish Kids

Snow

Sometimes both Heaven and Earth Erupt

New Southern Hampshire Survey

Stopped in Arizona, from Texas, headed to California!

The Age We Live In

THE OLD PATHS

The Talking Centipede

This was 1955

Two Catholic Boys--Irish and Italian

What Are You?


7 Reasons Not To Mess With Children

A Special "Thank You" to C.N. for this Submission!
 
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.  The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, “When I get to heaven, I will ask Jonah.” The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?” The little girl replied, “Then you ask him.”

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.”  The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.” Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, “They will in a minute.”

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year old’s.   After explaining the commandment to “honor” thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?” Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, “Thou shall not kill.”

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, “Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?” Her mother replied, “Well, every time you do something wrong and make me unhappy or cry, one of my hairs turns white.” The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, “Mummy, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?”

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. “Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, He’s a doctor.’”  A small voice at the back of the room rang out, “And there’s the teacher, she’s dead.”

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, “Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.”   “Yes,” the class said.  “Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?”  A little fellow shouted, “’cause your feet ain’t empty.”

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: “Take only ONE. God is watching.” Moving farther along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”


A B C D E F G......

A Special "Thank You" to S.P for this Submission!


After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her slowly...then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks, "What does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.”

She smiled happily and said, "Oh, that's so lovely..... What about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"


A Drunken Stranger

A Special "Thank You" to D.S. for this Submission!


A Husband and his Wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The Husband gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

“Not a chance”, says the husband, “it is 3:00 in the morning!”

He slams the door and returns to bed.

“Who was that?” asked his Wife.

“Just some drunk guy asking for a push,” he answers.

“Did you help him?” she asks.

“No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!”

“Well, you have a short memory,” says his Wife. “Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too.”

The Husband does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.  He calls out into the dark: “Hello, are you still there?”

“Yes,” comes back the answer.

“Do you still need a push?” calls out the Husband.

“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.

“Where are you?” asks the Husband.

“Over here on the swing set,” replied the drunk.


 AHHHH!!!! Michigan: . . .

A Special "Thank You" to C.N. for this Submission!


Are you aware that Jeff Foxworthy is now picking on Michigan?  Read on . . .

1. If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 18 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, you might live in Michigan.

2. If you're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each year because Pellston is the coldest spot in the nation, you might live in Michigan.

3. If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March, you might live in Michigan.

4. If you instinctively walk like a penguin for five months out of  the year, you might live in Michigan.

5. If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don't work there, you might live in Michigan.

6. If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, you might live in Michigan.

7. If you have worn shorts and a coat at the same time, you might live in Michigan.

8. If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might live in Michigan.

9. If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in Michigan.

10. If you do the Polka into the wee hours of the morning, you might live in Michigan.

11. If you bring along fly repellant when planning your visit to Mackinaw Island, you might live in Michigan.

12. If you attach a bicycle flag to the driver's side of the front bumper of your vehicle so that others can see your bright orange flag over the 6' snow piles to avoid an accident at the intersection to which you cautiously cruise up to at 2 mph, you might live in Northern Michigan.

13. If you get stuck in the snow in your own driveway, and you are using chains, you might live almost anywhere in Michigan.

14. If you have a gas surcharge added to your grocery bill, you might live in Northern Michigan.

15.  If you only drive your snowmobile to the local store in the winter, you might live in Northern Michigan.

16. If you are kneeling in front of a gigantic Crucifix, you are in Michigan.

17. If you are driving north on I-75 in the snow season, and you see anywhere from two to six snowmobiles on a snowmobile trailer, being pulled by a vehicle, you are in Michigan.

18. If you are driving around dawn or dusk, and you have one person who is a "spotter", watching for deer crossing the road, you might live in Michigan.

19.  If you are driving on I-75 in the snow season, and you see anywhere from two to six snowmobiles on a snowmobile trailer, being pulled by a vehicle, you might live in Michigan.

20. If you are going North on Woodward Avenue, and you have just made it to 12 Mile Road, and you are saying your prayers of Thanksgiving to Saint Theresa as you pass by her Shrine, you are definitely in Michigan.

Part 2 - You know you're a true MICHIGANDER when . . .

1. "Vacation" means going up north on I-75.

2.   You measure distance in hours.

3.  You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.

4. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.

5. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.

6. You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including weddings).

7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

8. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.

9. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

10. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.

11.  You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction.

12. You can identify a Southern or Eastern accent.

13. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce.

14. You were unaware that there is a legal drinking age.

15. Down South to you means ZEROLAND ( Ohio ).

16. A brat is something you eat.

17. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new pole barn.

18. You go out to fish fry every Friday.

19. Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.

20. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.

21. You find "0" degrees "a little chilly."

22.  You drink pop and bake with soda.

23. Your doctor tells you to drink Vernors and you know it's not medicine.

24. You can actually drink Vernors without coughing! 

25. You know what a Yooper is.

26. You think owning a Honda is Un-American.

27. You know that UP is a place, not a direction.

28. You know it's possible to live in a thumb.

29. You understand that when visiting Detroit, the best thing to wear is a Kevlar vest.

30. You actually understand these jokes, and you send an E-Mail with a link to this web page to all of your great Michigan friends! 


A Little Christian Humor

A Special "Thank You" to S.P. for this Submission!


This is one of the best clean jokes I've seen in awhile!

Jesus and Satan  were  having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer.

They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said:  "THAT'S  IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the  better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.
They faxed.
They e-mailed.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did spreadsheets!
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports.
They did every job known to man.
Jesus worked with Heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the  sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed.

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers.

Satan started searching frantically, screaming:  "It's gone! It's all  GONE!  I lost everything when the power went  out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus  quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.

Satan observed this and became irate.  "Wait!", he screamed.  "That's not fair! He cheated! How come He has all His work and I don't have any?"

God just shrugged and said:

JESUS SAVES!!!


An Appointment

A Special "Thank You" to S.L. for this Submission!


It was a busy morning, about 8:30, when an elderly gentleman in his 80’s arrived to have stitches removed from his thumb.

He said he was in a hurry as he had an appointment at 9:00 a.m.

I took his vital signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be over an hour before someone would to able to see him.

I saw him looking at his watch and decided, since I was not busy with another patient, I would evaluate his wound.

On exam, it was well healed, so I talked to one of the doctors, got the needed supplies to remove his sutures and redress his wound.

While taking care of his wound, I asked him if he had another doctor’s appointment this morning, as he was in such a hurry.

The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife. I inquired as to her health.

He told me that she had been there for a while and that she was a victim of Alzheimer’s Disease.

As we talked, I asked if she would be upset if he was a bit late.

He replied that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognized him in five years now.

I was surprised, and asked him, “And you still go every morning, even though she doesn’t know who you are?”

He smiled as he patted my hand and said,

“She doesn’t know me, but I still know who she is.”

I had to hold back tears as he left, I had goose bumps on my arm, and thought,

“That is the kind of love I want in my life.”

True love is neither physical, nor romantic.

True love is an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be, and will not be.

With all the jokes and fun that are in e-mails, sometimes there is one that comes along that has an important message.

This one I thought I could share with you.

The happiest people don’t necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the best of everything they have.

I hope you share this with someone you care about. I just did.

We are all getting Older.
Tomorrow it may be our turn.



 A Nun Grading Papers

A Special "Thank You" to C.N. for this Submission!


Can you imagine a Nun sitting at her desk grading these papers, all the while trying to keep a straight face and maintain her composure! Pay special attention to the wording and spelling. If you know the Bible even a little, you'll find this hilarious! It comes from a Catholic Elementary School test.

Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. The following 25 statements about the Bible were written by children. They have not been retouched or corrected. Incorrect spelling has been left in.

1. In the first book of the bible, guinessis. God got tired of creating the world so he took the sabbath off.

2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was joan of ark. Noah built and ark and the animals came on in pears.

3. Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.

4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.

5. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like delilah.

6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

7. Moses led the jews to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.

8. The egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up to mount cyanide to get the Ten Commandments.

9. The first commandments was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

11. Moses died before he ever reached canada then joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of geritol.

12. The greatest miricle in the bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

13. David was a hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.

14. Solomon, one of davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

15. When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the magna carta.

16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found Jesus in the manager.

17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.

19. Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.

20. It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

21. The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.

22. The Epistels were the wives of the Apostles.

23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

24. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity, he preached holy acrimony, which is another name for Marraige.

25. Christians have only one Spouse. This is called monotony.

Aren’t Children Great!!


Are you busy?

A Special "Thank You" to S.P. for this Submission!


Ever feel like you are so busy, but don't get anything done?


 


Balance

A Special "Thank You" to C.N. for this Submission!


Any of You who have ties to New England will appreciate this!!

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Saint Michael the Archangel,found Him, resting on the seventh day.

Saint Michael the Archangel inquired:

"Where have you been?"
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds:
"Look, Saint Michael! Look at what I've made."
Saint Michael the Archangel looked puzzled, and said:
"What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."

"Balance?", inquired Saint Michael the Archangel.  "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth:

"For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor.  Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things."

God continued pointing to different countries:

"This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

Saint Michael the Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a small green land area jutting into the sea between the Bay of Fundy and the Atlantic Ocean, and asked:

"What's that one?"
God answered:
"That's New England, the most beautiful place on earth.  There is rolling countryside changing colour with every season, rivers and streams, lakes for fishing, forests, hills, and all around the ocean and beautiful beaches. The people from New England are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of many good things."
Saint Michael the Archangel gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked:
"But, God, what about balance? You said there would be balance."
God smiled:
"Not very far from New England is a place called Washington, D.C......  Wait till you see the idiots I put there!"

Baptism by Beer
A 13th Century Practice Condemned by Pope Gregory IX

A Special "Thank You" to C.N. for this Submission!


Imagine being a 13th century Norwegian parent who had to bring her baby back to the church for another baptism.

Your friends ask:

"Why are you having the baby baptized again?"
You answer:
"Well, the first time our little baby Olaf was baptized with beer. The Pope said it was no good. Apparently baptism by beer is invalid."
This really did happen!

Pope Gregory IX in the 13th century decreed that baptisms by beer were invalid. Apparently this had happened in a region of Norway where water had not been available. The Holy Father had to write to the Archbishop of Trondhjem in Norway to settle this matter - literally to settle the sacramental matter.

Pope Gregory IX decreed:

"Since according to the Gospel teaching, a man must be born again of water and the Holy Ghost, those are not to be considered validly baptized who have been baptized with beer {cervisia}."
Catholics are taught that each of the Seven Sacraments must have Proper Matter, Form, and Intention to be valid.

Born a Lutheran

A Special "Thank You" to C.C. & S.P. for this Submission!


Each Friday night after work, Ole would fire up his outdoor grill on the shore of Big Stone Lake and cook a venison steak.

But, all of Ole’s neighbors were Catholic... And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks wafted over Ortonville all the way to Clinton, and was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The Priest came to visit Ole, and suggested that he become a Catholic.  After several classes and much study, Ole attended Mass.....  and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said: “You were born a Lutheran, and raised a Lutheran, but now you are a Catholic."

Ole’s neighbors were relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.

The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Ole’s yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Ole, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully  sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: “You vuz born a deer, you vuz raised a deer, but now you is a walleye.”


Bubba had shingles.

A Special "Thank You" to S.L. for this Submission!


HERE'S THE REASON.......

WHY OUR HEALTH CARE COSTS ARE SO HIGH!!!

Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line?

Here's what happened to Bubba:

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.

Bubba said: "Shingles".

So, she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later, a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.

Bubba said: "Shingles".

So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had.

Bubba said: "Shingles".

So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had.

Bubba said: "Shingles".

The doctor asked: "Where?"

Bubba said: "Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??"

HOPE THIS MAKES YOU LAUGH OUT LOUD LIKE I DID.... THAT'S WHY I HAD TO SEND THIS TO YOU....THESE DAYS WE NEED ALL THE LAUGHS WE CAN GET.!!!


"Christian" one-liners..............

A Special "Thank You" to C.N. for this Submission!


Don't let your worries get the best of you; Remember, Moses started out as a basket case.

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Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited
Until you try to sit in their pews.

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Many folks want to serve God,
But only as advisers.

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It is easier to preach ten sermons
Than it is to live one.

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The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose,
But mosquitoes come close.

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When you get to your wit's end,
You'll find God lives there.

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People are funny; they want the front of the bus,
Middle of the road,
And back of the church.

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Opportunity may knock once,
But temptation bangs on the front door forever.

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Quit griping about your church;
If it was perfect, you couldn't belong.

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If a church wants a better pastor,
It only needs to pray for the one it has.

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We're called to be witnesses, not lawyers or Judges.

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God Himself doesn't propose to judge a man until
He is dead. So why should you?

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Some minds are like concrete
Thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.

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Peace starts with a smile.

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I don't know why some people change churches;
What difference does it make which one you stay home from?

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Be ye fishers of men. You catch 'em - He'll clean 'em.

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Stop, Drop, and Roll won't work in Hell.

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Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.

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Don't put a question mark where God put a period.

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Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.

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Forbidden fruits create many jams.

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God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.

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God grades on the cross, not the curve.

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God loves everyone,
But probably prefers 'fruits of the spirit' over 'religious nuts!'

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God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage..

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He who angers you, controls you!

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If God is your Co-pilot, swap seats!

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Prayer:
Don't give God instructions, just report for duty!

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The task ahead of us is never as
Great as the Power behind us.

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The Will of God never takes you to where the
Grace of God will not protect you.

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We don't change the message,
The message changes us.

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You can tell how big a person is
By what it takes to discourage him/her.

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The best mathematical equation I have ever seen:
1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given.

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If this blessed you in a profound way today,
Share it with a few friends to bless them!
I bet someone else will LOVE it too.

There is no greater treasure than a good friend!

"Liberty and independence forever"...... David Crockett - 1836


Church Ladies With typewriters... Again!

A Special "Thank You" to C.N. for this Submission!


They’re Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water”.  The sermon tonight: “Searching for Jesus”.

Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say “Hell” to someone who doesn’t care much about you.

Don’t let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang “I will not pass this way again,” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.  So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What Is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 P.M. - prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 A.M. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. Is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 P.M. Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 P.M. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 P.M. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan last Sunday:
“I Upped My Pledge - So Up Yours”.



Dear Computer Fans

A Special "Thank You" to C.N. for this Submission!

Dear Computer Fans:  Don't let your precious life end this way!
 


 
 


 
 


 
 


 
 


 
 


 
 


 

Computer addicts never die... they just go offline.

XXXHave a nice day!XXX
 


"Excuse me, Are you Jesus?"

A Special "Thank You" to C.C. for this Submission!


"Excuse me, Are you Jesus?"

A few years ago a group of salesmen went to a regional sales convention in Chicago.

They had assured their wives that they would be home in plenty of time for Friday night's dinner.  In their rush, with tickets and briefcases, one of these salesmen inadvertently kicked over a table which held a display of apples. Apples flew everywhere. Without stopping or looking back, they all managed to reach the plane in time for their nearly-missed boarding.

ALL BUT ONE!!! He paused, took a deep breath, got in touch with his feelings, and experienced a twinge of compassion for the girl whose apple stand had been overturned.

He told his buddies to go on without him, waved good-bye, told one of them to call his Wife when they arrived at their home destination and explain his taking a later flight. Then he returned to the terminal where the apples were all over the terminal floor.

He was glad he did.

The 16-year-old girl was totally blind! She was softly crying, tears running down her cheeks in frustration, and, at the same time, helplessly groping for her spilled produce as the crowd swirled about her; no one stopping and no one to care for her plight.

The salesman knelt on the floor with her, gathered up the apples, put them back on the table and helped organize her display. As he did this, he noticed that many of them had become battered and bruised; these he set aside in another basket.

When he had finished, he pulled out his wallet and said to the girl: "Here, please take this $40 for the damage we did. Are you okay?"

She nodded through her tears.. He continued on with, "I hope we didn't spoil your day too badly."

As the salesman started to walk away, the bewildered blind girl called out to him, "Mister...."

He paused and turned to look back into those blind eyes . She continued, "Are you Jesus?"

He stopped in mid-stride, and he wondered. Then slowly he made his way to catch the later flight with that question burning and bouncing about in his soul: "Are you Jesus?"

Do people mistake you for Jesus? That's our destiny, is it not? To be so much like Jesus that people cannot tell the difference as we live and interact with a world that is blind to His love, life and grace.

If we claim to know Him, we should live, walk and act as He would. Knowing Him is more than simply quoting Scripture and going to church. It's actually living the Word as life unfolds day to day.

You are the apple of His eye even though we, too, have been bruised by a fall. He stopped what He was doing and picked up you and me on a hill called Calvary and paid in full for our damaged fruit.

Please share this, IF you feel led to do so.  IF not, that's ok too. Sometimes we just take things for granted, when we really need to be sharing what we know.



God on Lawn Care

A Special "Thank You" to C.C. for this Submission!

GOD:
Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, milkweeds and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees, and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colours by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.

ST. FRANCIS:
It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

GOD:
Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colourful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD:
The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes twice a week.

GOD:
They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS:
Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD:
They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS:
No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD:
Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS:
Yes, Sir.

GOD:
These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS:
You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD:
What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so Myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.

ST. FRANCIS:
You better sit down, Lord.. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

GOD:
No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS:
After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

GOD:
And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS:
They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD:
Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

ST. CATHERINE:

"Dumb and Dumber", Lord. It's a story about....

GOD:
Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.


Hey, Wasn't This Us?

A Special "Thank You" to C.N. for this Submission!
A little house with three bedrooms,
one bathroom and one car on the street.
A mower that you had to push
to make the grass look neat.

In the kitchen on the wall
we only had one phone,
And no need for recording things,
someone was always home.

We only had a living room
where we would congregate,
unless it was at mealtime
in the kitchen where we ate.

We had no need for family rooms
or extra rooms to dine.
When meeting as a family
those two rooms would work out fine.

We only had one TV set
and channels maybe two,
But always there was one of them
with something worth the view.

For snacks we had potato chips
that tasted like a chip.
And if you wanted flavor
there was Lipton's onion dip.

Store-bought snacks were rare because
my mother liked to cook
and nothing can compare to snacks
in Betty Crocker's book.


Weekends were for family trips

mmmm
or staying home to play.


We all did things together --
even go to church to pray.


When we did our weekend trips
depending on the weather,
no one stayed at home because
we liked to be together.

Sometimes we would separate
to do things on our own,
but we knew where the others were
without our own cell phone.

Then there were the movies
with your favorite movie star,
and nothing can compare
to watching movies in your car.

mm
Then there were the picnics
at the peak of summer season,
pack a lunch and find some trees
and never need a reason.

Get a baseball game together
with all the friends you know,
have real action playing ball --
and no game video.

Remember when the doctor
used to be the family friend,
and didn't need insurance
or a lawyer to defend?

The way that he took care of you
or what he had to do,
because he took an oath and strived
to do the best for you.

mm
Remember going to the store
and shopping casually,
and when you went to pay for it
you used your own money?

Nothing that you had to swipe
or punch in some amount,
and remember when the cashier person
had to really count?

The milkman used to go
from door to door,
And it was just a few cents more
than going to the store.

There was a time when mailed letters
came right to your door,
without a lot of junk mail ads
sent out by every store.

The mailman knew each house by name
and knew where it was sent;
there were not loads of mail addressed
to "present occupant."

mm
There was a time when just one glance
was all that it would take,
and you would know the kind of car,
the model and the make.

They didn't look like turtles
trying to squeeze out every mile;

mm
they were streamlined, white walls, fins
mm


and really had some style.


One time the music that you played
whenever you would jive,
was from a vinyl, big-holed record
called a forty-five.

The record player had a post
to keep them all in line
and then the records would drop down
and play one at a time.

Oh sure, we had our problems then,
just like we do today
and always we were striving,
trying for a better way.

Oh, the simple life we lived
still seems like so much fun,
how can you explain a game,
just kick the can and run?

And why would boys put baseball cards
between bicycle spokes;

mm

and for a nickel, red machines
had little bottled Cokes?


This life seemed so much easier
and slower in some ways.


I love the new technology
 


but I sure do miss those days.



So time moves on and so do we
and nothing stays the same,
but I sure love to reminisce
and walk down memory lane.


With all today's technology
we grant that it's a plus!


But it's fun to look way back and say,
Hey look!
THAT WAS US! 

 

Holy Humor

A Special "Thank You" to C.N. for this Submission!

A Father was approached by his small Son who told him proudly: “I know what the Bible means!”

His Father smiled and replied: “What do you mean, you ‘know’ what the Bible means?”

The Son replied:  “I do know!”

“Okay,” said his Father. “What does the Bible mean?”

“That’s easy, Daddy...” the young Boy replied excitedly: “It stands for ‘Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.’ (This one is my  favorite)

There was a very gracious Lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her Brother in another part of the country.

“Is there anything breakable in here?” asked the postal clerk.

“Only the Ten Commandments.” answered the Lady.

“Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world.

There are those who wake up in the morning and say: “Good morning, Lord!”

and......

There are those who wake up in the morning and say, “Good Lord, its morning.”

Father Joe parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn’t find a space with a meter.

Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: “I have circled the block 10 times. If I don’t park here, I’ll miss my appointment. ‘Forgive us our trespasses’.”

When he returned, he found a citation from a Police Officer along with this note:

“I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I’ll lose my job. ‘Lead us not into temptation’.”

There is the story of Father George who made an announcement to his Congregation one Sunday after his Sermon at both the 8:00 a.m. Mass and the 10:00 a.m. Mass.

Father said:  “I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets.”

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign:

“Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust.”

A Sunday School Teacher began her lesson with a question:

“Boys and girls, what do we know about God?”

A hand shot up in the air.

“He is an artist!” said the Kindergarten Boy.

“Really? How do you know?”  The Teacher asked.

You know: “Our Father, Who does art in Heaven...”

Father John waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him.

Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. “Reverend,” said the young man, “I’m so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip.”

Father John chuckled: “I know what you mean. It’s the same in my business.”

People want:


The front of the bus.

The back of the church.

The center of attention.

Sunday, after the 10:30 a.m. Mass, a Mom asked her very young Daughter what the 9:00 a.m. Catechism Class Lesson was about.

Her Daughter answered: “Don't be scared, you’ll get your quilt.”

Needless to say, this Mother was perplexed.  Later in the day, Sister Mary Bernard stopped by for tea and the Mother asked her what the 9:00 a.m. Catechism Class Lesson was about.

Sister Mary Bernard answered:  “Be not afraid, thy Comforter is coming.”
 


A Protestant Minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask his Congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.

While pondering this problem, yet another problem popped up!

The regular Organist had called in sick a half hour before the service and he needed to find a substitute organist post haste!

His Wife knew a Lady who had been an organist at another church before she moved to the city in which this church was located.

His Wife called this Lady who drove over to the church and arrived ten minutes before the service.

The Minister said to this Lady:  “Here’s a copy of the service.  But, you’ll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.”

Then it happened!!!

During the service, the Minister paused and said: “Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty.  The roof repairs are costing us twice as much money as we had expected.  We desperately need an additional $4,000.00 more in the collection today!”

“Those of you who can pledge at least $100.00 or more, please stand up.”

At that moment, the substitute Organist played:


“The Star Spangled Banner”!

And this is how the substitute Organist became the regular Organist!

When you carry the Bible, Satan gets a headache.....
When you open it, he collapses.....
When he sees you reading it, he faints.....
When he sees that you are living what you read, he flees.....
And when you are about to forward the link -  Holy Humor  - to this message.....
He will try and discourage you. I just defeated him!!!  Any other takers?


Imposter

A Special "Thank You" to C.N. for this Submission!


Maxine on Jesus

A Special "Thank You" to C.N. for this Submission!

This is the best Maxine ever !
Maxine on Jesus ----- This is so great, you will love it.

I've always enjoyed Maxine but this is different than any I've seen before!

This doesn't get around as much as the other Maxine cartoons...

But, it should!!


Mom's Teachings Remembered

A Special "Thank You" to C.N. for this Submission!

I Owe My Mother ....

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside.. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTION-ISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA ..
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out..."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids and I hope they turn out just like you !"

Only you folks my age understand these profound statements!!!
But, there is one missing from this list~~My personal all time favorite!!

My mother taught me about CHOICE.
"Do you want me to stop this car?"



New Southern Hampshire Survey

A Special "Thank You" to C.N. for this Submission!




Nominee for E-Mail of the Year

A Special "Thank You" to D.S. for this Submission!

After being interviewed by the school administration,the prospective teacher said:

"Let  me see if I've got this right:

You  want me to go into that room with all those  kids to:

correct their disruptive behavior,
observe them for signs of abuse,
monitor their dress habits,
censor their T-shirt messages, and
instill in them a love for  learning.
You also want me to:
check their backpacks for weapons,
wage war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, and
raise their sense of self-esteem and personal pride.
In addition, you want me to teach them:
patriotism,
good citizenship,
sportsmanship,
fair play,
how to register to vote,
balance a checkbook, and
apply for a job.
Furthermore, you want me to:
check their heads for lice,
recognize signs of antisocial behavior, and
make sure that they all pass the final exams,
provide them with an equal education regardless of their handicaps,
communicate regularly with their parents in:
English,
Spanish,
Asian,
or any other language,
by:
letter,
telephone,
newsletter, and
report card.
You want me to do all of this with:
a piece of chalk,
a blackboard,
a bulletin board,
a few books,
a big smile, and
a starting salary that qualifies me for food stamps.

You want me to do all of this and then you tell me...  I CAN'T PRAY?!"



Polish Kids

A Special "Thank You" to C.N. for this Submission!

Polish Kids: ANYTHING RING TRUE?

American kids: Move out when they're 18 with the full support of their parents.
Polish kids: Move out when they're 28, having saved enough money for a house, and are two weeks away from getting married....unless there's room in the basement for the newlyweds.

American kids: When their Mom visits them, she brings a Bundt cake, and you sip coffee and chat.
Polish kids: When their Mom visits them, she brings 3 days worth of food, begins to tidy up the house, and dust, do the laundry, and rearrange the furniture.

American kids: Their dads always call before they come over to visit them -- and it's usually only on special occasions.
Polish kids: Are not at all fazed when their dads show up, unannounced, on a Saturday morning at 8:00, and start painting the window frames or mowing the lawn.

American kids: Always pay retail, and look in the Yellow Pages when they need to have something done.
Polish kids: Call their dad or uncle, and ask for another dad's or uncle's phone number to get it done...cash deal.  Know what I mean??

American kids: Will come home for cake and coffee, and get only cake and coffee.  No more.
Polish kids: Will come home and get cabbage rolls, pirogi, roast chicken, salad, bread,  fruit, and cheesecake, as well as a few before, during and after dinner drinks.

American kids: Will greet you with "Hello" or "Hi."
Polish kids: Will give you a big hug, a kiss on your cheek, and a pat on your back.

American kids: Call the Polish kid's parents "Mr. and Mrs.".
Polish kids: Call your parents Mom and Dad.

American kids: Have never seen you cry.
Polish kids: Cry with you.

American kids: Borrow your stuff for a few days and then return it.
Polish kids: Keep your stuff for so long, they forget it's yours.

American kids: Will eat at your dinner table and leave.
Polish kids: Will spend hours there, talking, laughing, and just being together.

American kids: Know few things about you.
Polish kids: Could write a book with direct quotes from you.

American kids: Eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches on soft mushy white bread.
Polish kids: Eat kielbasa sandwiches with horseradish and dill pickles on caraway rye bread.

American kids: Will leave you behind if that's what the crowd is doing.
Polish kids: Will kick the asses of the whole crowd who left you behind.

American kids: Are for a while.
Polish kids: Are for life.

American kids: Think that being Polish is cool.
Polish kids: KNOW that being Polish is cool.

American kids: Will ignore this.
Polish kids: Will send the link for this.

You can bet your dupa!



Snow

A Special "Thank You" both to C.N. for this Submission!
 



Sometimes both
Heaven and Earth Erupt

A Special "Thank You" both to C.N. for this Submission!

Sometimes both heaven and Earth erupt. Colorful aurorae erupted unexpectedly earlier this month, with green aurora appearing near the horizon and brilliant bands of red aurora blooming high overhead. A bright Moon lit the foreground of this picturesque scene, while familiar stars could be seen far in the distance. With planning, the careful astro-photographer shot this image mosaic in the field of White Dome Geyser in Yellowstone National Park in the western USA. Sure enough, just after midnight, White Dome erupted -- spraying a stream of water and vapor many meters into the air. Geyser water is heated to steam by scalding magma several kilometers below, and rises through rock cracks to the surface. About half of all known geysers occur in Yellowstone National Park. Although the geomagnetic storm that created these aurorae has since subsided, eruptions of White Dome Geyser continue about every 30 minutes.


A Special "Thank You" to C.N. for this Submission!


SURPRISE, IT AIN'T FOR HORSES!

You will probably wonder now every time
you see a load of hay going down the highway....

What if the hiding place had illegals,
terrorists, or maybe even a dirty bomb?

What if Arizona wasn't as concerned as it is???

GO GET 'EM ARIZONA!


The Age We Live In

A Special "Thank You" to C.N. for this Submission!


 


 


 


 
 


 
 


 



THE OLD PATHS

A Special "Thank You" to C.N. for this Submission!


 I liked the old paths, when
 Moms were at home.
 Dads were [and could be] at work.
 Brothers went into the army.
 And sisters got married BEFORE having children!
 Crime did not pay;
 Hard work did;
 And people knew the difference.
 Moms could cook;
 Dads would [could] work [before American jobs were shipped to Communist Countries like China];
 Children would behave.
 Husbands were loving;
 Wives were supportive;
 And children were polite.
 Women wore the jewelry;
 And Men wore the pants.
 Women looked like ladies;
 Men looked like gentlemen;
 And children looked decent.
 People loved the Truth,
 And hated a lie.
 They came to church to get IN,
 Not to get OUT!
 Hymns sounded Godly;
 Sermons sounded helpful;
 Rejoicing sounded normal;
 And crying sounded sincere.
 Cursing was wicked;
 Drugs were for illness.
 The flag was honored;
 America was beautiful;
 And God was welcome!
 We read the Bible in public;
 Prayed in school;
 And preached from house to house.
 To be called an American was worth dying for;
 To be called an American was worth living for;
 To be called a traitor was a shame [and a crime, if guilty]!
 I still like the old paths the best!

"THE OLD PATHS" WAS WRITTEN BY A RETIRED MINISTER WHO LIVES IN TENNESSEE.


The Talking Centipede

A Special "Thank You" to C.N. for this Submission!


A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him. So he asked the centipede in the box, “Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time."

But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again, “How about going to church with me and receive blessings?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.

This time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about God?"

This time, a little voice came out of the box:

"I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes!"


This was 1955

A Special "Thank You" to D.S. for this Submission!


This is all so true...in 1939 I was paid $2.00 a week to be a nanny.  Then in 1941  I hit the big time and was paid 39 CENTS an hour in a factory inspecting some kind of parts (we never knew what they were for) for some kind of equipment for THE WAR.  I had enough money to buy a new pair of shoes for $2.00. A lot can happen in nearly 100 years, huh?

Comments made in the year 1955!
That's only 59 years ago!?



“I’ll tell you one thing, if things
keep going the way they are,
it’s going to be impossible to
buy a week’s groceries for $10.00. “



“Have you seen the new cars
coming out next year?  It won’t
be long before $1,000.00 will
only buy a used one.”
1949 Chevrolet Fleetline



“If cigarettes keep going up in
price, I’m going to quit; 20 cents
a pack is ridiculous. “



“Did you hear the post office is
thinking about charging 7 cents
just to mail a letter.”



“If they raise the minimum wage
to $1.00, nobody will be able to
hire outside help at the store.”



“When I first started driving, who
would have thought gas would
someday cost 25 cents a gallon.
Guess we’d be better off leaving
the car in the garage.”

P.S.:  There were "Gas Wars" when "Regular" sold for a whopping 3 cents per gallon
and "High-Test" ("Premium") sold for 5 cents per gallon! Plus, it came with "full service"
which meant the attendant pumped the gas for you, washed your windows, checked your
fan belt, your oil and coolant levels, and all while you sat in your car and you paid either
cash or signed for your credit card, plus the attendant also gave you your change,
if you paid for the gas with cash because you always got change back if you gave
the attendant a ten dollar bill, no matter the size of your 20 gallons plus gas tank,
not to mention the attendant also gave you Green Stamps, or something similar, all with a smile!



“I’m afraid to send my kids to the
movies any more.  Ever since they
let Clark Gable get by with saying
“D**N” in “GONE WITH THE WIND”,
it seems every new movie has
either “H**L” or “D**N” in it.”



“I read the other day where some scientist
thinks it’s possible to put a man on the moon
by the end of the century.
They even have some fellows they call
astronauts preparing for it down in Texas .”



“Did you see where some baseball
player just signed a contract for
$50,000 a year just to play ball?
It wouldn’t surprise me if someday
they’ll be making more than the President.”



“I never thought I’d see the day
all our kitchen appliances would be electric.
They are even making electric typewriters now.”



“It’s too bad things are so tough nowadays.
I see where a few married women
are having to work to make ends meet.”



“It won’t be long before young
couples are going to have to hire
someone to watch their kids so
they can both work.”



“I’m afraid the Volkswagen car
is going to open the door to a
whole lot of foreign business.”



“Thank goodness I won’t live
to see the day when the Government
takes half our income in taxes.
I sometimes wonder if we are
electing the best people to government.”



“The drive-in restaurant is
convenient in nice weather,
but I seriously doubt they
will ever catch on.”



“There is no sense going on
short trips anymore for a weekend.
It costs nearly $2.00 a night to stay in a hotel.”



“No one can afford to be sick anymore.
At $15.00 a day in the hospital,
it’s too rich for my blood.”



“If they think I’ll pay
30 cents for a hair cut, forget it.”


Know any friends
who would get a
kick out of these,
pass them on!
Be sure to send a link
to your kids and grandkids, too!




Two Catholic Boys--Irish and Italian

A Special "Thank You" to C.C. for this Submission!


There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose lives parallel each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy .

Faithfully they attended parochial School from kindergarten through their senior year in high school. They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college, and upon graduation, became priests.

Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio Secola was just a wee cut above Timothy Murphy in all respects.

Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally Cardinal was swift to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be one of the two who would become the next Pope.

In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen.

The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope!

Antonio Secola was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even with all of Timothy's gifts, Antonio knew he was just a bit better qualified.

With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio Secola asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?"

After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and rose to reply.

"We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called POPE SE-COLA!
 

*You know you're going to pass it on to Catholic and non-Catholic friends alike!*



What Are You?


A Special "Thank You" to C.N. for this Submission!

A carrot, an egg, and a cup of coffee...You will never look at a cup of coffee the same way again.

A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.

Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil; without saying a word.

In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl.  Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me what you see."

"Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied.

Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg.

Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled, as she tasted its rich aroma the daughter then asked, "What does it mean, mother?"

Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its insides became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.

"Which are you?" she asked her daughter. "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?  Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?

Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?

Or am I like the coffee bean ? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest, do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human and enough hope to make you happy.

The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the best of everything that comes along their way. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can't go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.

When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling.

Live your life so at the end, you're the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.

You might want to send this message to those people who mean something to you (I JUST DID); to those who have touched your life in one way or another; to those who make you smile when you really need it; to those who make you see the brighter side of things when you are really down; to those whose friendship you appreciate; to those who are so meaningful in your life.

May we all be COFFEE!!!!!!

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