Humor - On the Laugh Side
A joyful mind maketh age flourishing:
A sorrowful spirit drieth up the bones.
Please send your "Clean" jokes only, humor, witticisms, etc. so this section has ONLY humor, then click the link below and send them to:
Give me a sense of humor, Lord.
Give me the ability to understand a clean joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And to pass it on to other folk.
“Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves.
They shall never cease to be greatly amused.”
IS A DAY WASTED!!!
THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS
A DAY WITHOUT LAUGHTER IS A DAY WASTED!!!
You don't stop laughing
because you grow old
You grow old because you stop laughing!!!
|A Bargain-Basement Church|
A man and his young son went to church, and when they came out the father was complaining that the service was too long, the preacher was no good, and the singing was off-key.
Finally the little boy said, "Daddy, I thought it was pretty good for a dime."
It seems there was this minister who just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made.
The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes.
The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes.
But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes.
When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way.
The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk.
The second Sunday, my dentures were hurting a lot.
The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures... and I couldn't stop talking!
After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.
“Excuse me, Your Holiness,” says the driver, “Would you please take your seat so we can leave?”
“Well, to tell you the truth,” says the Pope, “they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.”
“I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen” protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
“Who's going to tell?” says the Pope with a smile.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kms. (Remember, the Pope is German.)
“Please slow down, Your Holiness,” pleads the worried driver. But the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
“Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!” moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
“I need to talk to the Chief,” he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph. “So bust him,” says the Chief.
“I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,” said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed, “All the more reason!”
“No, I mean really important,” said the cop with a bit of persistence..
The Chief then asked, “Who do you have there, the mayor?”
Chief: “A senator?”
Chief: “The Prime Minister?”
“Well,” said the Chief, “who is it?”
Cop: “I think it's God!”
The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, “What makes you think it's God?”
Cop: “His chauffeur is the Pope!”
1.. Muslims do not recognize
Jews as God's Chosen People.
2.. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
3.. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.
4.. Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store.
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?" A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."
DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?" "No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms."
THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter.
Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous.
When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."
The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why. "Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon." "How come He doesn't answer it?" she asked.
A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?"
The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"
ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS
When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, "And all girls." This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?" Her response, "Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying 'All Men'!"
SAY A PRAYER
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. "Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer." said his mother. "I don't need to," the boy replied. "Of course, you do "his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house." "That's at our house." Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook.
Did you hear about the Aggie
that drove his pickup into the lake?
His dog drowned while he tried to get the tailgate down.
Did you hear about the skeleton
they just found in an old building at College Station?
It was the 1938 hide and seek champion.
Did you hear about the Aggie
who was tap dancing?
He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.
Why don't Aggies eat barbecue
Because they keep falling through the holes in the grill.
Why don't Aggies use 911
in an emergency?
Because they can't find "eleven" on the phone dial.
How can you tell an Aggie
is on location at a drilling rig?
He's the one throwing bread to the helicopters.
How many Aggies does it
take to eat an armadillo?
Two. One to do the eating, and two to watch for cars.
Ice is no longer available in the drinks at the cafeterias at A&M. The senior who knew the recipe graduated.
An Aggie decides to raise chickens. So, he goes to the feed store and buys some chicks. He takes the chicks home, and plants them with their heads sticking up. He waters them, but they die. He goes back to the feed store and tells the proprietor that he bought defective chicks, and gets another set. This time he plants them with their heads sticking down. He waters them, but they die. He then sends a letter to his Alma Mater, describing the problem. They send a letter back asking for a soil sample.
An atheist was walking through the woods.
"What majestic trees!"He said to himself.
"What powerful rivers!"
"What beautiful animals!"
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot tall grizzly bear charging towards him!
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer.
He tripped & fell onto the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant moment, the Atheist cried out:
"Oh my God!"Time stopped.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky and said:
"You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to cosmic accident."The atheist looked directly into the light, and said:
"Do you really expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
"It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?"The light went out.
"Very well", said the Voice.
The sounds of the forest resumed.
And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:
"Bless me O Lord and this food which I am about to receive from Thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs.
Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played, "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say:
"I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
Apparently, I'm still lost.....
The economy is so bad today that when my secretary tells me that my broker is on the phone, I have to ask: ”stock or pawn?”
Nowadays, being homeless is more competitive than ever.
Only the most clever and creative signs sway people
to let go of their precious spare change.
A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open-heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital.
As he was recovering, a nun asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.
She asked, "Do you have health insurance?"
He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance".
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"
He replied, "No money in the bank".
The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God".
The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law".
One day while he was at the track playing the ponies, and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a Priest who stepped out onto the track and Blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.
Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.
Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old Priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate, the Priest made a Blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.
Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the Priest had Blessed won the race.
Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless for the 6th race. The Priest again Blessed a horse.
Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated.
As the races continued the Priest kept Blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.
By and by, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the Priest’s blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.
True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and Blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day.
Mitch also observed the Priest Blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.
He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the Priest was.
Confronting the old Priest he demanded: “Father! What happened?"
"All day long you Blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you Blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I’ve lost every cent of my savings -- all of it!”.
The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. “Son,” he said, “that’s the problem with you Protestants, you can’t tell the difference between a simple Blessing and Last Rites.”
This information is for Catholics only. It must not be divulged to non-Catholics. The less they know about our rituals and top secret code words, the better off they are.
AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass.
CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip-sync.
HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.
RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
INCENSE: Holy Smoke!
JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to find colleges with good basketball teams.
JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.
JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.
KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava. (for you non-Catholics it means "Lord have mercy").
MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
MANGER: Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. (The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.)
PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.
PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.
RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.
TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.
USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.
Little known facts about the Catholic Church in Las Vegas :
There are more churches in Las Vegas than casinos. During Sunday services at the offertory, some worshippers contribute casino chips as opposed to cash.. Some are sharing their winnings - some are hoping to win. Since they get chips from so many different casinos, and they are worth money, the Catholic churches are required to send all the chips into the diocese for sorting. Once sorted into the respective casino chips, one junior priest takes the chips and makes the rounds to the casinos turning chips into cash.
And he, of course, is known as The Chip Monk.
At Last, a Cell Phone for Seniors!
You REALLY have to be OLD to appreciate THIS!
- Scientists say the higher your I.Q. The more you dream.
-The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is the male sperm.
-You use 200 muscles to take one step.
-The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.
-Your big toes have two bones each while the rest have three.
-A pair of human feet contains 250,000 sweat glands.
-A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball.
-The acid in your stomach is strong enough to dissolve razor blades.
-The human brain cell can hold 5 times as much information as the Encyclopedia Britannica.
-It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
-The average human dream lasts 2-3 seconds.
-Men without hair on their chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair.
-At the moment of conception, you spent about half an hour as a single cell.
-There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
-Your body gives off enough heat in 30 minutes to bring half a gallon of water to a boil.
-The enamel in your teeth is the hardest substance in your body.
-Your teeth start growing 6 months before you are born.
-When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate, and they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate.
-Your thumb is the same length of your nose.
At this very moment I know well you are putting this last fact to the test... ...now remove your thumb from your nose and send this link to the friends you think might be interested in comparing their thumbs to their noses as well.
Dear Professor: __________________________________
My grade in _________________ should be raised from _____ to ____ because:
1. There must be a mistake somewhere.
2. I was not well at the time of the examination.
3. My mind always goes blank during an examination.
4. This mark ruined my prospect of getting a scholarship.
5. This is the only course in which I received a poor grade
6. This mark grieved my Mother (or Father). whose pride I am.
7. Conditions in the room were not conductive to concentration.
8. The examination was unfair and unfairly distributed over the subject
9. I have to work after school and nights; therefore I should be given a break.
10. I am married; therefore, I should be given a break.
11. I would have done much better if I had taken the examination given to one of the other sections.
12. Several people around me copied from my paper during the examination yet they received higher marks than I did. Surely this is not fair.
13. The reason I did not do better is because I am very honest. I do no wish to say anything against any other members of the class.
14. I know many of the class members who do not work as hard as I do and who got a better grade. I am recognized among my classmates as a good student - you just ask any one of them.
15. The question were ambiguous, and therefore, my answers should be graded according to the reasonable interpretations that I made of your questions.
16. Many of the questions could not be answered with straight facts; they were matters of opinion. I do not believe I should be penalize just because my opinions differ from those of the instructor.
17. I have studied this subject from the broad philosophical viewpoint and therefore, I was unable to answer your technical-based question
18. I am philosophically oriented to the realm of ideas; I respond to the sweep and scope of great intellects. My work is beyond the interest in petty details and parrot-like memorizing of those who are merely students
19. At the time of the exam, I was suffering from a severe case of cognitive dissonance and was incapable of coping with the stress of the hour.
20. It is not a higher mark I seek; I care nothing about marks; I think marks are wicked and I disapprove of them. However, this pernicious system of which I am a victim requires marks for achieving success and therefore, I seek a higher mark.
This morning the Muslim Brotherhood warned the United States that if United States' meddling in Egypt continued they intend to cut off America's supply of 7-11 and Motel 6 managers.
If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell, AT&T and AOL customer service reps.
Finally, if all else fails,
they have threatened not to send us any more presidents either.
L.A. Math test
City of Los Angeles
High School Math Proficiency Exam
1. Duane has an AK47 with a 30 round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive by shooting, how many drive by shootings can he attempt before he has to reload?
2. If Jose has two ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8 ball to Jackson for $320 and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it?
3. Jarome wants to cut his 1/2 pound of Heroin to make 20% more profit. How many ounces of cut will he need?
4. Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy and $100 for a 4x4. If he has stolen 2 BMW's and 3 4x4's, how many Chevy's will he have to steal to make $800?
5. Raoul is in prison for 6 years for grand theft. He got $10,000 for it. If his common law wife is spending $100 per month, how much money will he have left when he gets out of prison?
6. If the average spray paint can covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can a tagger spray with 3 cans of paint?
7. If Eddy got 15% of every bet on 7 horse races placed in the local bookie joint at 467 East Figuro Street before 3.29 p.m. last Saturday, and if he took in $27,865.00 last Saturday, before the cops raided the place, at what time did he make bail after he was booked at 4:17 p.m. at the Mulholland Division before he was transferred to the men's central jail in downtown L.A. at 7:43 p.m., if it took an additional 2 and 3/4 hours for processing at the L.A. station, and after his 3 and 1/2 minutes in the men's lavatory before his personal effects were returned to him after an additional wait of 21 and 1/4 minutes, but before his 17 minutes and 46 seconds telephone call to his bail bondsman?
Lexiphiles - You know . . . like . . . you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish . . .. or, I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger . . . . then it hit me . .
Well, here are a few more:
To write with a broken pencil is . . . pointless.
When fish are in schools they sometimes . . . take debate.
A thief who stole a calendar . . . got twelve months.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , . . . U.C.L.A.
The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes . . . was on shaky ground.
The batteries were given out . . . free of charge.
A dentist and a manicurist married. .. . . They fought tooth and nail.
A will is a . . . dead giveaway.
If you don't pay your exorcist . . . you can get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name . . . and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you . . . A-flat miner.
You are stuck with your debt if . . . you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: . . . The LAN down under.
A boiled egg is . . . hard to beat.
When you've seen one shopping center . . . you've seen a mall.
Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was . . resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? . . He's all right now.
If you take a laptop computer for a run you could . . . jog your memory.
A bicycle can't stand alone; . . . it is two tired.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, . . . it's your Count that votes.
When a clock is hungry . . . . it goes back four seconds.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine . . . was fully recovered.
He had a photographic memory . . . which was never developed.
Those who get too big for their britches will be . . . exposed in the end.
When she saw her first strands
of gray hair . . . she thought she'd dye.
Morbus Sabbaticus or Sunday Sickness, is a disease peculiar to church members.
The attack comes on suddenly on Sunday mornings, about one hour before the 10:00 a.m. Mass.
No symptoms are felt on Saturday night or before 9:00 a.m. Sunday.
The patient sleeps well and awakes feeling well, and eats a hearty breakfast. But about 9:00 a.m. an accute attack comes on and continues until the 10:00 a.m. Mass is over (the last Mass for the day).
Thereupon, the patient feels easy and eats a hearty dinner around 12:00 noon.
In the afternoon, the patient feels much better and is able to take a walk, take a drive, visit friends or relatives, talk politics, and reads the Sunday paper.
The patient eats a hearty supper, but about 7:00 p.m. when the Priest begins vespers and concludes with Benediction of the Blessed Sacrament, the patient has yet another attack and stays home, unable to hobble over to the church which is directly across the street.
The patient retires early, sleeps well, and awakens at 5:00 a.m. Monday, totally refreshed and sings in the shower while preparing to leave for work.
Needless to say, the patient does not feel any of the symptoms again until the next Sunday at about 9:00 a.m., also an hour before the 10:00 a.m. Mass right across the street, which is the last Mass for Sunday.
The peculiar features are as follows--
1. It attacks only those
who begin to think about going to Sunday Mass.
2. It never makes its appearance except on Sunday, about an hour before the last Mass.
3. The symptoms vary, but never interfere with appetite and sleep.
4. It never lasts more than 24 hours.
5. It generally attacks the head of the family and continues to spread until every member is affected.
6. No physician is ever called.
7. It always proves fatal in the end to the Soul.
8. No remedy is known for it except repentance, prayer, and Confession plus a firm purpose of amendment and a return to attendance at Sunday morning Mass.
* I will polish my pate - Bald person
* I will do less laundry and use more deodorant. - Executive
* I will not regale the same yarn at every get together. - Incorrigible bore
* I will remember that 'Cream Cake Day' is on the 29th of every month. - Foodie
* Many people look forward to the New Year for a new start on old habits. - Anonymous
* Also, remember: A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.
|1)||I WILL NOT let others make me feel guilty by sending things to me and then telling me I am not their friend if I do not return an E-Mail to them.|
|2)||I will NOT get bad luck, lose my friends, or lose my mailing lists if I DON'T forward an E-Mail!|
|3)||I will NOT hear any music or see a taco dog, if I DO forward an E-Mail!|
|4)||Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money; Victoria's Secret doesn't know anything about a gift certificate they're supposed to send me, and Ford will not give me a 50% discount even if I forward my E-Mail to more than 50 people!|
|5)||I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons, or freebies from Coca Cola, Cracker Barrel, Old Navy, or anyone else if I send an E-Mail to 10 people.|
|6)||I will NEVER see a pop-up window if I forward an E-Mail!... NEVER !!!!|
|7)||My phone will not MYSTERIOUSLY ring after I forward an E-Mail!. There is NO SUCH THING as an E-Mail tracking program, and I am not STUPID enough to think that someone will send me $100 for forwarding an E-Mail to 10 or more people!|
|8)||There is no kid with cancer through the Make-a-Wish program in England collecting anything! He did when he was 7 years old. He is now cancer-free and 35 years old and DOESN'T WANT ANY MORE POST CARDS, CALLING CARDS, or GET-WELL CARDS.|
|9)||The government does not have a bill in Congress called 901B (or whatever they named it this week) that, if passed, will enable them to charge us 5 cents for every E-Mail we send.|
|10)||There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colorful flowers, characters, or program that I will receive immediately after I forward an E-Mail!|
|11)||The American Red Cross will NOT donate 50 cents to a certain individual dying of some never-heard-of disease for every E-Mail address to which I send this. The American Red Cross RECEIVES donations.|
Now, repeat this to yourself until you have it memorized, and send it along to at least 5 of your friends before the next full moon or you will surely experience Winter for the next three months and be tempted to have a hot dog roast on Ground-Hog Day!
A Jewish businessman in Chicago sent his Son to Israel for a year to absorb the culture.
When the Son returned, he said: "Papa, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity."
"Oy vey," said the Father. "What have I done?" He took his problem to his best friend, Irving.
"Irving," he said, "I sent my Son to Israel, and he came home a Christian. What can I do?"
"Funny you should ask," said Irving. "I too, sent my Son to Israel, and he also came home a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the Rabbi."
So they did, and they explained their problem to the Rabbi.
"Funny you should ask," said the Rabbi. "I, too, sent my Son to Israel, and he also came home a Christian. What is happening to our young people?"
And so they all prayed, telling the Lord about their Sons.
As they finished their prayer, a voice came from the Heavens:
"Funny you should ask," said the Voice,
"I, too, sent my Son to Israel ....!!!"
On the first day, God created the dog and said:
"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."The dog said:
"That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"And God saw it was good.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
"Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."The monkey said:
"Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"And God, again saw it was good.
On the third day, God created the cow and said:
"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."The cow said:
"That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"And God agreed it was good.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said:
"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."But the human said:
"Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?""Okay," said God. "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.
For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.
And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.
Good News: The women's group
voted to send the Pastor a get-well card.
Bad News: The vote passed by 31-30.
Good News: The Pastor-Parish
Relations Committee accepted your job description the way you wrote it.
Bad News: They were so inspired by it that they asked the Bishop to send a new Priest capable of filling the position.
Good News: The trustees
finally voted to add more church parking.
Bad News: They are going to blacktop the front lawn of the Rectory.
Good News: Church attendance
rose dramatically the last three weeks.
Bad News: The Pastor was on vacation.
Good News: The youth of
the church came to the Rectory to visit the Pastor.
Bad News: It was in the middle of the night and they were armed with toilet paper and shaving cream.
Good News: The Church Council
has agreed to send the Pastor to the Holy Land for study.
Bad News: They are waiting for war to break out before sending the Pastor.
"Man will never reach the
moon regardless of all future scientific advances."
--Dr. Lee DeForest, "Father of Radio & Grandfather of Television."
"The bomb will never go
off. I speak as an expert in explosives."
--Admiral William Leahy, US Atomic Bomb Project.
"There is no likelihood
man can ever tap the power of the atom."
--Robert Millikan, Nobel Prize in Physics, 1923
"Computers in the future
may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
--Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949
"I think there is a world
market for maybe five computers."
--Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943
"I have traveled the length
and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can
assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year."
--The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957
"But what is it good for?"
--Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.
"640K ought to be enough
--Bill Gates, 1981
This "telephone" has too
many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.
The device is inherently of no value to us."
--Western Union internal memo, 1876.
"The wireless music box
has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to
nobody in particular?"
--David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920's.
"The concept is interesting
and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must
--A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)
"I'm just glad it'll be
Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper,"
--Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind."
"A cookie store is a bad
idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies,
not soft and chewy cookies like you make,"
--Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.
"We don't like their sound,
and guitar music is on the way out."
--Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.
machines are impossible,"
--Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.
"If I had thought about
it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples
that said you can't do this."
--Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M "Post-It" Notepads.
"Drill for oil? You mean
drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy!"
--Response from drillers Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.
"Stocks have reached what
looks like a permanently high plateau."
--Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.
"Airplanes are interesting
toys but of no military value."
--Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre, France.
"Everything that can be
invented has been invented."
--Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, US Office of Patents, 1899.
"The super computer is technologically
impossible. It would take all of the water that flows over Niagara Falls
to cool the heat generated by the number of vacuum tubes required."
--Professor of Electrical Engineering, New York University.
"I don't know what use any
one could find for a machine that would make copies of documents. It certainly
couldn't be a feasible business by itself."
--the head of IBM, refusing to back the idea, forcing the inventor to found Xerox.
"Louis Pasteur's theory
of germs is ridiculous fiction."
--Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872
"The abdomen, the chest,
and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane
--Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.
"There is no reason anyone
would want a computer in their home."
-- Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977
Winston, come into the dining room, it's time to eat," Julia yelled to her husband.
"In a minute, honey, it's a tie score," he answered.
Actually Winston wasn't very interested in the traditional holiday football game between Detroit and Washington.
Ever since the government passed the Civility in Sports Statute of 2017, outlawing tackle football for its "unseemly violence" and the "bad example it sets for the rest of the world," Winston was far less of a football fan than he used to be. Two-hand touch wasn't nearly as exciting.
Yet it wasn't the game that Winston was uninterested in. It was more the thought of eating another Tofu Turkey. Even though it was the best type of VeggieMeat available after the government revised the American Anti-Obesity Act of 2018, adding fowl to the list of federally-forbidden foods, (which already included potatoes, cranberry sauce and mince-meat pie), it wasn't anything like real turkey. And ever since the government officially changed the name of "Thanksgiving Day" to "A National Day of Atonement" in 2020 to officially acknowledge the Pilgrims' historically brutal treatment of Native Americans, the holiday had lost a lot of its luster.
Eating in the dining room was also a bit daunting. The unearthly gleam of government-mandated fluorescent light bulbs made the Tofu Turkey look even weirder than it actually was, and the room was always cold. Ever since Congress passed the Power Conservation Act of 2016, mandating all thermostats - which were monitored and controlled by the electric company - to be kept at 68 degrees, every room on the north side of the house was barely tolerable throughout the entire winter.
Still, it was good getting together with family. Or at least most of the family. Winston missed his Mother, who passed on in October, when she had used up her legal allotment of life-saving medical treatment. He had had many heated conversations with the Regional Health Consortium, spawned when the private insurance market finally went bankrupt, and everyone was forced into the government health care program. And though he demanded she be kept on her treatment, it was a futile effort.
"The RHC's resources are limited," explained the government bureaucrat Winston spoke with on the phone. "Your mother received all the benefits to which she was entitled. I'm sorry for your loss."
Ed couldn't make it either. He had forgotten to plug in his electric car last night, the only kind available after the Anti-Fossil Fuel Bill of 2021 outlawed the use of the combustion engines-for everyone but government officials. The fifty mile round trip was about ten miles too far, and Ed didn't want to spend a frosty night on the road somewhere between here and there.
Thankfully, Winston's brother, John, and his wife were flying in. Winston made sure that the dining room chairs had extra cushions for the occasion. No one complained more than John about the pain of sitting down so soon after the government mandated cavity searches at airports, which severely aggravated his hemorrhoids.
Ever since a terrorist successfully smuggled a cavity bomb onto a jetliner, the TSA told Americans the added "inconvenience" was an "absolute necessity" in order to stay "one step ahead of the terrorists."
Winston's own body had grown accustomed to such probing ever since the government expanded their scope to just about anywhere a crowd gathered, via Anti-Profiling Act of 2022.
That law made it a crime to single out any group or individual for "unequal scrutiny," even when probable cause was involved. Thus, cavity searches at malls, train stations, bus depots, etc., etc., had become almost routine. Almost.
The Supreme Court is reviewing the statute, but most Americans expect a Court composed of six progressives and three conservatives to leave the law intact.
"A living Constitution is extremely flexible," said the Court's eldest member, Elena Kagan. "Europe has had laws like this one for years. We should learn from their example," she added.
Winston's thoughts turned to his own children. He got along fairly well with his 12-year-old daughter, Brittany, mostly because she ignored him. Winston had long ago surrendered to the idea that she could text anyone at any time, even during Atonement Dinner. Their only real confrontation had occurred when he limited her to 50,000 texts a month, explaining that was all he could afford. She whined for a week, but got over it.
His 16-year-old son, Jason, was another matter altogether. Perhaps it was the constant bombarding he got in public school that global warming, the bird flu, terrorism or any of a number of other calamities were "just around the corner," but Jason had developed a kind of nihilistic attitude that ranged between simmering surliness and outright hostility.
It didn't help that Jason had reported his father to the police for smoking a cigarette in the house, an act made criminal by the Smoking Control Statute of 2018, which outlawed smoking anywhere within 500 feet of another human being. Winston paid the $5,000 fine, which might have been considered excessive before the American dollar became virtually worthless as a result of QE13. The latest round of quantitative easing the federal government initiated was, once again, to "spur economic growth." This time they promised to push unemployment below its years-long rate of 18%, but Winston was not particularly hopeful.
Yet the family had a lot for which to be thankful, Winston thought, before remembering it was a Day of Atonement. At least he had his memories. He felt a twinge of sadness when he realized his children would never know what life was like in the Good Old Days, long before government promises to make life "fair for everyone" realized their full potential.
Winston, like so many of his fellow Americans, never realized how much things could change when they didn't happen all at once, but little by little, so people could get used to them. This is known as "gradualism" and is used as a brain-washing tool.
This year we will experience 4 unusual dates:
Now DO this:
Take the last 2 digits of the year you were born plus the age you will be this year and it will EQUAL TO 111.. try it.. you know you wanna :)
A young monk arrives at the monastery.
The Missing "R" A Special "Thank You" to C.N. for this Submission!
He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my Son."
Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot . . .
So,the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
"We missed the R!"
"We missed the R!"
"We missed the R!"
The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, Father?"
With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was...
They would have:
1) asked directions;
2) arrived on time;
3) helped deliver the baby;
4) cleaned the stable;
5) made a casserole;
6) and, brought practical gifts.
My prayer for 2012 is for:
1) a fat bank account; and 2) a thin body.
But, please don't mix these up like you did last year.
The boys' Mother heard that a Priest in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The Priest agreed and asked to see them individually.
So, the Mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the Priest in the afternoon.
The Priest, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"
They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open.
The Priest repeated the question. "Where is God?"
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.
So, the Priest raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older Brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger Brother, gasping for breath, replied: "We are in real BIG trouble this time! God is missing, and they think we did it!"
The elderly V-2 priest speaking to the younger V-2 priest said:
"You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now."
The young V-2 priest nodded, and the old V-2 priest continued:
"And you told me that adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony."
"Thank you father," answered the young V-2 priest. "I'm pleased that you're open to new ideas."
"All of these ideas have been well and good," said the elderly V-2 priest, but I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-through confessional."
"But father," protested the young V-2 priest, "my confessions and donations have nearly doubled since I began that!"
"Yes," replied the elderly V-2 priest, "and I appreciate that... but the flashing neon sign, Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell cannot stay on the church roof!"
Wal-Mart in China ---VERY DIFFERENT.
We thought our Wal-Marts
had it all.
You Ain't seen nuttin' yet !!!
Mixed Meat for the choosing
Orange Juice And Cooking
Turtles and other stuff
Walmart Brand Spirits
Beautiful Boxes Of Liquor
A Large Selection Of Chopsticks
100% Powdered Horse Milk
This is getting serious.
She also had her seven-year- old son with her.
Everyone gathered around the baby, and the little boy asked, "Mommy, can I have some money to buy a soda?"
"What do you say?" she asked.
Respectfully, the boy replied,"You're thin and beautiful."
The woman reached in her purse and gave her son the money.
Always try to help a friend in need
Give lots of kisses
Always try to see the glass half full
Meet new people, even if they look different to you
Take lots of naps..
Love your friends, no matter who they are
Don't waste food
Share a joke with friends
Fall in love with someone....
Love someone with all of your heart
Watch your step
There is always someone who loves you more than you know
Hold on to good friends; they are few and far between
At the end of the day... PRAY
......... And close your eyes and smile at least once a day!
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