Humor - On the Laugh Side
A joyful mind maketh age flourishing:
A sorrowful spirit drieth up the bones.
Proverbs 17:22

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HELP!! ALL the clean jokes, puns, wit, etc. have been used up! Please send your "Clean" jokes only, humor, witticisms, etc. so this section has ONLY humor, then click the link below and send them to:

Give me a sense of humor, Lord.
Give me the ability to understand a clean joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And to pass it on to other folk.

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Laughter

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A Special "Thank You" to T.T for this Submission!

“Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves.
They shall never cease to be greatly amused.”

THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR.
A DAY WITHOUT LAUGHTER IS A DAY WASTED!!!

You don't stop laughing because you grow old
You grow old because you stop laughing!!!

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Humor - On the Laugh Side

Do Dogs go to Heaven? Hysterical!
Absolutely unreal that this actually happened!
These two churches face each other across a busy street.

	????

This is bizarre - after you find the guy - it's so obvious?
Once you find him - it's embarrassing, and you think?
"Why didn't I see him immediately?"?

Doctors have concluded that if you find the man in the coffee beans in 3 seconds, the right half of your brain is better developed than most people. If you find the man between 3 seconds and 1 minute, the right half of the brain is developed normally. If you find the man between 1 minute and 3 minutes, then the right half of your brain is functioning slowly and you need to eat more protein If you have not found the man after 3 minutes, the advice is to look for more of this type of exercise to make that part of the brain stronger!!!?

And, yes, the man is really there!!!

In Florida, an atheist created a case against the upcoming Easter and Passover Holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians and Jews and observances of their holy days...

The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days.

The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring: "Case dismissed!"

The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying:

"Your honor, How can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays.."

The judge leaned forward in his chair saying:

"But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant."

The lawyer said:

"Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists."

The judge said:

"The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day. Psalm 13:1 states: The fool hath said in his heart: There is no God . Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that, if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned."

 

 

 

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth.

When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.

"May I see the new baby?" I asked.

"Not yet", she said, "I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first".

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, "May I see the new baby now?"

"No, not yet", she said.

After another few minutes had elapsed, I asked again, "May I see the baby now?"

"No, not yet", replied my friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked, "Well, when can I see the baby?"

"WHEN HE CRIES!" she told me.

"WHEN HE CRIES?" I demanded. "Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?"

"BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!"

If you are 40 (I wish), or older, you might think this is hilarious!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill... Barefoot... BOTH ways. yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way I was going do that to my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that I'm over the ripe old age of forty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.  You've got it so easy!  I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in Utopia!

And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!

1) I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet.  If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!

2) There was no e-mail!!  We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen!  Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there!  Stamps were 10 cents!

3) Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us.  As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our butt! Nowhere was safe!

4) There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes!  If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!

5) Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and mess it all up!  There were no CD players!  We had tape decks in our car.  We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless.

6) We didn't have fancy stuff like Call Waiting!  If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it!

7) There weren't any cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn't make a call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY GOSH !!!  Think of the horror... not being in touch with someone 24/7!!!  And then there's TEXTING.  Yeah, right.  Please!  You kids have no idea how annoying you are.

8) And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was!  It could be your school, your parents, your boss... you just didn't know!!!  You had to pick it up and take your chances!

9) We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics!  We had the Atari 2600!  Your screen guy was a little square!  You actually had to use your imagination!!!  And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen.. Forever!  And you could never win.  The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died!  Just like LIFE!

10) You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! For  channel surfing you had to get up and walk over to the TV to change the channel.  NO REMOTES!!!  Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!

11) There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning.  We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons!

12) We didn't have microwaves.  If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove!  Imagine that!

13) Our parents told us to stay outside and play... all day long.  No electronics to soothe and comfort.  And if you came back inside... you were doing chores! And car seats - oh, please!  Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on.  If you were lucky, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place!  See!  That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten!  You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1970 or any time before!

Regards,

The Over 40 Crowd

 

And we're calling THEM for help??

Maybe this is the way to teach the 10 Commandments today?!

Maybe then people would "get it"?

Tennessee Ten Commandments

Some people in Tennessee have trouble with all those 'shall's' and 'shall not's' in the Ten Commandments.

Folks just aren't used to talking in those terms. So, some folks in middle Tennessee got together and translated the Protestant "King James" version of the Bible into "Jackson County" language.....

No joke, read on...

The Hillbilly's Ten Commandments

(Posted on the wall at Cross Trails Church in Gainesboro, TN)

(1) Just one God
(2) Put nothin' before God
(3) Watch yer mouth
(4) Git yourself to Sunday meetin'
(5) Honor yer Ma & Pa
(6) No killin'
(7) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal
(8) Don't take what ain't yers
(9) No tellin' tales or gossipin'
(10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff

Now that's kinda plain an' simple, don't ya think?

Y'all have a nice day!

It was already late fall and the Indians on the Fond du Lac reservation in Cloquet, Minnesota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets.  When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea.  He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later the chief called the National Weather Service again.  "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied.  "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen."

"How can you be so sure?" the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."

Always remember this whenever you get advice from a government official!

THE IRONY OF IT ALL ....

 

 

 1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

 2. A will is a dead giveaway.

 3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

 4. A backward poet writes inverse.

 5. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

 6. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

 7. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

 8. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

 9. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

 10. A calendar's days are numbered.

 11. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

 12. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

 13. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.

 14. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

 15. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

 16. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

 17. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

 18. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

 19. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

 20. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.

 21. The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
       He acquired his size from too much pi.

 22. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

 23. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

 24. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

 25. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

 26. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

 27. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

 28. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

 29. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

 30. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

 31. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: "Keep off the Grass".

 32. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.  When his Grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said  "No change yet".

 33. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

A man called home to his wife and said:  “Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss and several friends.  We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week! Oh, and set out my rod and fishing box, we're Leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up."

"Oh! And please pack my new blue silk pyjamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.

The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

His Wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?

He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to to?"

You'll love the answer......

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His Wife replied: "I did. They're in your fishing box...!"

Never Lie To A Woman...!!!

William F. Buckley

Nat Hentoff

Albert Einstein

Will this happen in our life time?

25. U.S. Post Office They are pricing themselves out of existence. With e-mail, and online services they are a relic of the past. (refer to #9) Packages are also sent faster and cheaper with UPS.

24. Yellow Pages This year will be pivotal for the global Yellow Pages industry. Much like newspapers, print Yellow Pages will continue to bleed dollars to their various digital counterparts, from Internet Yellow Pages (IYPs), to local search engines and combination search/listing services like Reach Local and Yodel Factors like 20 an acceleration of the print "fade rate" and the looming recession will contribute to the onslaught. One research firm predicts the falloff in usage of newspapers and print Yellow Pages could even reach 10% this year -- much higher than the 2%-3% fade rate seen in past years.

23. Classified Ads The Internet has made so many things obsolete that newspaper classified ads might sound like just another trivial item on a long list. But this is one of those harbingers of the future that could signal the end of civilization as we know it..  The argument is that if newspaper classifieds are replaced by free online listings at sites like Craigslist.org and Google Base, then newspapers are not far behind them.

22. Movie Rental Stores While Netflix is looking up at the moment, Blockbuster keeps closing store locations by the hundreds. It still has about 6,000 left across the world, but those keep dwindling and the stock is down considerably in 2008, especially since the company gave up a quest of Circuit City . Movie Gallery, which owned the Hollywood Video brand, closed up shop earlier this year. Countless small video chains and mom-and-pop stores have given up the ghost already.

21. Dial-up Internet Access Dial-up connections have fallen from 40% in 2001 to 10% in 2008. The combination of an infrastructure to accommodate affordable high speed Internet connections and the disappearing home phone have all but pounded the final nail in the coffin of dial-up Internet access.

20. Phone Land Lines According to a survey from the National Center for Health Statistics, at the end of 2007, nearly one in six homes was cell-only and, of those homes that had land lines, one in eight only received calls on their cells.

19. Chesapeake Bay Blue Crabs Maryland's icon, the blue crab, has been fading away in Chesapeake Bay. Last year Maryland saw the lowest harvest (22 million pounds) since 1945. Just four decades ago the bay produced 96 million pounds. The population is down 70% since 1990, when they first did a formal count. There are only about 120 million crabs in the bay and they think they need 200 million for a sustainable population. Over-fishing, pollution, invasive species and global warming get the blame.

18. VCRs For the better part of three decades, the VCR was a best-seller and staple in every American household until being completely decimated by the DVD, and now the Digital Video Recorder (DVR). In fact, the only remnants of the VHS age at your local Wal-Mart or Radio Shack are blank VHS tapes these days. Pre-recorded VHS tapes are largely gone and VHS decks are practically nowhere to be found. They served us so well.

17. Ash Trees.  In the late 1990's, a pretty, iridescent green species of beetle, now known as the emerald ash borer, hitched a ride to North America with ash wood products imported from eastern Asia . In less than a decade, its larvae have killed millions of trees in the Midwest and continue to spread. They've killed more than 30 million ash trees in southeastern Michigan alone, with tens of millions more lost in Ohio and Indiana . More than 7.5 billion ash trees are currently at risk.

16. Ham Radio Amateur radio operators enjoy personal (and often worldwide) wireless communications with each other and are able to support their communities with emergency and disaster communications if necessary, while increasing their personal knowledge of electronics and radio theory. However, proliferation of the Internet and its popularity among youth has caused the decline of amateur radio. In the past five years alone, the number of people holding active ham radio licenses has dropped by 50,000, even though Morse Code is no longer a requirement.

15. The Swimming Hole. Thanks to our litigious society, swimming holes are becoming a thing of the past. "20/20" reports that swimming hole owners, like Robert Every in High Falls, NY, are shutting them down out of worry that if someone gets hurt they'll sue. And that's exactly what happened in Seattle. The city of Bellingham was sued by Katie Hofstetter who was paralyzed in a fall at a popular swimming hole in Whatcom Falls Park. As injuries occur and lawsuits follow, expect more swimming holes to post "Keep out!" signs.

14. Answering Machines The increasing disappearance of answering machines is directly tied to No 20 our list -- the decline of landlines.  According to USA Today, the number of homes that only use cell phones jumped 159% between 2004 and 2007.  It has been particularly bad in New York; since 2000, landline usage has dropped 55%. It's logical that as cell phones rise, many of them replacing traditional landlines, that there will be fewer answering machines.

13. Cameras That Use Film. It doesn't require a statistician to prove the rapid disappearance of the film camera in America .  Just look to companies like Nikon, the professional's choice for quality camera equipment.  In 2006, it announced that it would stop making film cameras, pointing to the shrinking market -- only 3% of its sales in 2005, compared to 75% of sales from digital cameras and equipment.

12. Incandescent Bulbs. Before a few years ago, the standard 60-watt (or, yikes, 100-watt) bulb was the mainstay of every U.S. home. With the green movement and all-things-sustainable-energy crowd, the Compact Fluorescent Lightbulb (CFL) is largely replacing the older, Edison-era incandescent bulb. The EPA reports that 2007 sales for Energy Star CFLs nearly doubled from 2006, and these sales accounted for approximately 20 percent of the U.S. light bulb market. And according to USA Today, a new energy bill plans to phase out incandescent bulbs in the next four to 12 years.

11. Stand-Alone Bowling Alleys Bowling Balls. US claims there are still 60 million Americans who bowl at least once a year, but many are not bowling in stand-alone bowling alleys. Today most new bowling alleys are part of facilities for all types or recreation including laser tag, go-karts, bumper cars, video game arcades, climbing walls and glow miniature golf.  Bowling lanes also have been added to many non-traditional venues such as adult communities, hotels and resorts, and gambling casinos.

10. The Milkman. According to the U.S. Department of Agriculture, in 1950, over half of the milk delivered was to the home in quart bottles, by 1963, it was about a third and by 2001, it represented only 0.4% percent. Nowadays most milk is sold through supermarkets in gallon jugs. The steady decline in home-delivered milk is blamed, of course, on the rise of the supermarket, better home refrigeration and longer-lasting milk. Although some milkmen still make the rounds in pockets of the U.S., they are certainly a dying breed.

9. Hand-Written Letters. In 2006, the Radicati Group estimated that, worldwide, 183 billion e-mails were sent each day. Two million each second. By November of 2007, an estimated 3.3 billion Earthlings owned cell phones, and 80% of the world's population had access to cell phone coverage. In 2004, half-a-trillion text messages were sent, and the number has no doubt increased exponentially since then. So where amongst this gorge of gabble is there room for the elegant, polite hand-written letter?

8. Wild Horses. It is estimated that 100 years ago, as many as two million horses were roaming free within the United States .  In 2001, National Geographic News estimated that the wild horse population has decreased to about 50,000 head. Currently, the National Wild Horse and Burro Advisory board states that there are 32,000 free roaming horses in ten Western states, with half of them residing in Nevada. The Bureau of Land Management is seeking to reduce the total number of free range horses to 27,000, possibly by selective euthanasia.

7. Personal Checks. According to an American Bankers Assoc. report, a net 23% of consumers plan to decrease their use of checks over the next two years, while a net 14% plan to increase their use of PIN debit. Bill payment remains the last stronghold of paper-based payments -- for the time being. Checks continue to be the most commonly used bill payment method, with 71% of consumers paying at least one recurring bill per month by writing a check. However, a bill-by-bill basis, checks account for only 49% of consumers' recurring bill payments (down from 72% in 2001 and 60% in 2003).

6. Drive-in Theaters. During the peak in 1958, there were more than 4,000 drive-in theaters in this country, but in 2007 only 405 drive-ins were still operating.  Exactly zero new drive-ins have been built since 2005. Only one reopened in 2005 and five reopened in 2006, so there isn't much of a movement toward reviving the closed ones.

5. Mumps & Measles.  Despite what's been in the news lately, the measles and mumps actually, truly are disappearing from the United States.  In 1964, 12,000 cases of mumps were reported in the U.S. By 1983, this figure had dropped to 3,000, thanks to a vigorous vaccination program. Prior to the introduction of the measles vaccine, approximately half a million cases of measles were reported in the U.S. annually, resulting in 450 deaths. In 2005, only 66 cases were recorded.  However, this number is beginning to grow thanks to the floods of illegals into the U.S.A., along with other diseases that had totally disappeared.  A whooping caugh epidemic hit California in the last few months thanks to the illegals!

4. Honey Bees. Perhaps nothing on our list of disappearing America is so dire; plummeting so enormously; and so necessary to the survival of our food supply as the honey bee.  Very scary. "Colony Collapse Disorder," or CCD, has spread throughout the U.S. and Europe over the past few years, wiping out 50% to 90% of the colonies of many beekeepers -- and along with it, their livelihood.

3. News Magazines and TV News. While the TV evening newscasts haven't gone anywhere over the last several decades, their audiences have.  In 1984, in a story about the diminishing returns of the evening news, the New York Times reported that all three network evening-news programs combined had only 40.9 million viewers.  Fast forward to 2008, and what they have today is half that.

2. Analog TV. According to the Consumer Electronics Association, 85% of homes in the U.S. get their television programming through cable or satellite providers.  For the remaining 15% -- or 13 million individuals -- who are using rabbit ears or a large outdoor antenna to get their local stations, change has happened.  They had to get a new TV or a converter box in order to get the new stations which now broadcast only in digital..

1. The Family Farm. Since the 1930's, the number of family farms has been declining rapidly. According to the USDA, 5.3 million farms dotted the nation in 1950, but this number had declined to 2.1 million by the 2003 farm census (data from the 2007 census is just now being published). Ninety-one percent of the U.S. FARMS are small Family Farms.

Both interesting and saddening, isn't it?

[Editor's P.S. -  Here are two more additions to the above]:

26.  Hospitals.  Thanks again to the floods of illegals, many hospitals in California have gone under financially and have had to close their to to all American citizens.

27.  Legal American citizens.  Thanks to the floods of illegals into the U.S.A., legal American citizens are now literally a dying breed thanks to old-age and the rise of serious diseases in the U.S. that had totally disappeared, not to mention the Spiritual and Moral Decay, Rot, and Corruption the illegals have brought with them (the U.S. already had more than its share of this Spiritual and Moral filth from its own political leaders, TV, radio, and print media, banks, Wall Street, credit card companies, insurance agencies, and mortgage companies - to name only a few such criminals), especially drug gangs with their drive-by shootings which frequently kill innocent men, women, and even children, not to mention car-jackings, home invasion robberies, and the list goes on and on and on that to those in the U.S. Government who daily commit the Mortal Sin of Perjury for the violation of the Sacred Oath of Office, beginning in the White House, the U.S. Congress, and the U.S. Supreme Court!  The U.S.A. is fast becoming a Third World Country thanks to "outsourcing to foreign countries", the many diseases the illegals have brought with them, the loss of jobs to illegals, the greed of corporations which are moving out of the U.S., etc.,etc., etc.