Humor - On the Laugh Side


Humor - On the Laugh Side
A joyful mind maketh age flourishing:
A sorrowful spirit drieth up the bones.
Proverbs 17:22






HELP!!
ALL the clean jokes, puns, wit, etc. have been used up!
Please send your "Clean" jokes only, humor, witticisms, etc. so this section has ONLY humor, then click the link below and send them to:

 Clean Humor 

A Special "Thank You" to S.P. and to C.N. for the Same Submission!


Give me a sense of humor, Lord.
Give me the ability to understand a clean joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And to pass it on to other folk.



Laughter

A Special "Thank You" to T.T for this Submission!


“Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves.
They shall never cease to be greatly amused.”


A DAY WITHOUT LAUGHTER
IS A DAY WASTED!!!


A Special "Thank You" to C.N.for this Submission!


THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR.
A DAY WITHOUT LAUGHTER IS A DAY WASTED!!!


DON'T STOP LAUGHING!!!


A Special "Thank You" to C.N.for this Submission!
 


 

You don't stop laughing because you grow old
You grow old because you stop laughing!!!



Humor - On theLaughSide


 


 


 


 


 


 

Absolutely No Words Necessary
 

A fortune to remember!
 

After the Test
 

And the SURGEON  GENERAL says ....
 

An Italian and A Chinese
 

Catholic Horses - 2
 

Changing a Light Bulb
 

Church Signs
 

Competing Church Signs - a.k.c. - Do Dog's Go to Heaven?
 

Daily Survival Kit for the New Year
 

Diversionary Tactic
 

Drugged
 

Family Tree of Vincent Van Gogh
 

Find the Man in the Coffee Beans
 

Florida Court Sets Atheist Holy Day!
 

Fridge Magnet
 

Fun
 

Giving Birth at Age 65
 

Growing up without a cell phone
 

Help Desk Conversations
 

Help from India
 

Hillbilly's Ten Commandments
 

Honk and Text
 

How to tell if a Catholic is driving too fast
 

IF You like Words...
 

Indian Cold Winter
 

Irony of it all
 

Jewish Olympic Swimmer
 

LEXOPHILES
 

Meeting God
 

ME  First!
 

My Favorite Animal
 

Never Lie to a Woman
 

Not my job
 

Pecans in the Cemetery
 

Perks of being over 60
 

Person's mind and his desk
 

Queen of the Blondes
 

Ramblings of a Retired Mind
 

School - 1950  vs. 2010
 

Shoo-In
 

Twenty Seven Things About to Become Extinct in the U.S.A.
 

Two Feet of Snow in Albany, N.Y.
 

What Will I be When I Grow Up?
 

Where to Retire???
 

Woodpecker Might have to go!
 

Words of Wisdom
 

World's Smallest Horse
 

Why God Made Moms


 Absolutely No Words Necessary

A Special "Thank You" to S.L. for these Submissions!



 
 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


A fortune to remember!

A Special "Thank You" to S.L. for this Submission!


 

After the Test

A Special "Thank You" to C.N. for this Submission!


After the test they put it in a museum because it was obsolete!!

WASHINGTON (AP) -- Scientists unveiled the world's fastest supercomputer on Monday, a $100 million machine that for the first time has performed 1,000 trillion calculations per second in a sustained exercise.

An IBM engineer inspects the world's fastest computer in the company's Poughkeepsie, New York, plant.

The technology breakthrough was accomplished by engineers from the Los Alamos National Laboratory and the IBM Corp. on a computer to be used primarily on nuclear weapons work, including simulating nuclear explosions.

The computer - named Roadrunner - is twice as fast as IBM's Blue Gene system at Lawrence Livermore National Laboratory, which itself is three times faster than any of the world's other supercomputers, according to IBM.


And the SURGEON  GENERAL says ....

A Special "Thank You" to S.L. for this Submission!


An Italian and A Chinese

A Special "Thank You" to C.N. for this Submission!

An ITALIAN and a CHINESE entered a chocolate store.

As they were busy Looking, the CHINESE stole 3 chocolate bars.

As they left the store, the CHINESE said to the ITALIAN: "Man I'm the best thief, I stole 3 chocolate bars and no one saw me. You can't beat that."

ITALIAN replied: "You want to see something better? Let's go back to the shop and I'll show you real stealing."

So they went to the counter and the ITALIAN said to the shopkeeper,

"Do you want to see magic?"

The shopkeeper replied, "Yes."

The ITALIAN said: "Give me one chocolate bar."

The shopkeeper gave him one, and he ate it.

The ITALIAN asked for a second bar, and he ate that as well. He asked for the third, and finished that one too.

The shopkeeper asked: "But where's the magic?"

The ITALIAN replied: "Check in my friend's pocket, and you'll find all three bars of chocolate."

You just CAN'T beat an ITALIAN...........


Catholic Horses - 2

A Special "Thank You" to C.N. for this Submission!


A punter was at the horse races playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt.

He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.

Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track. Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses.

The punter made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse.  Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race.

He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next.

He bet big on it, and it won. As the races continued the Priest kept blessing long shots, and each one ended up winning.

The punter was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited for the Priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on ..

True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day.

This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. The punter knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.

He watched dumbfounded as the old nag came in last. In a state of shock, he went to the track area where the Priest was.

Confronting Him, he demanded,”Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings!”.

The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.

“Son”, he said, “that's the problem with you Protestants.  You can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.”


Changing a Light Bulb

A Special "Thank You" to B.M. for this Submission!

How many Traditionalist does it take to change a light bulb?

None, Traditionalists do not believe in change!



Church Signs

A Special "Thank You" to C.N. for this Submission!



Competing Church Signs
a.k.c.
Do Dog's Go to Heaven?

A Special "Thank You" to C.N. for this Submission!


Do Dogs go to Heaven? Hysterical!
Absolutely unreal that this actually happened!
These two churches face each other across a busy street.

????


Daily Survival Kit for the New Year

A Special "Thank You" to C.N. for this Submission!


Today, I am giving you a
DAILY  SURVIVAL  KIT


to help you each day............

Toothpick ... to remind you to pick the good qualities in everyone, including  yourself.

Rubber  band ... to remind you to be flexible. Things might not always go the way you want, but it can be worked out.

Band-Aid ... to remind you to heal hurt feelings, either yours or someone else's.

Eraser ... to remind you everyone makes mistakes. That's okay, we learn from our  errors.

Candy  Kiss ... to remind you everyone needs a hug or a compliment  everyday.

Mint  ... to remind you that you are worth a mint to your family & Me.

Bubble  Gum ... to remind you to stick with it and you can accomplish anything.

Pencil ... to remind you to list your blessings every day.

Tea  Bag ... to remind you to take time to relax daily and go over that list of blessings.

This is what makes life worth living every minute, every day.

Wishing you love,  gratitude, friends to cherish, caring, sharing, laughter, music, and  warm feelings in your heart in 2013!


Diversionary Tactic

A Special "Thank You" to S.L. for this Submission!



Drugged

A Special "Thank You" to C.N. for this Submission!



Family Tree of Vincent Van Gogh

A Special "Thank You" to C.N. for this Submission!


Brilliant! Who thinks up these things??!!


His dizzy aunt ------------------------------ Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes-------------------- Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store---- Stop'N Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia --------------- U Gogh
His magician uncle --------------------------- Where-diddy Goghzzzzzzzz
His Mexican cousin --------------------------- A Mee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother ------ Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach ------------ Wells-far Gogh
The constipated uncle ------------------------ Can't Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt -------------------- Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle ------------------------- Flamin Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking ------------ Way-to-Gogh
The little bouncy nephew --------------------- Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco --------------------- Go Gogh
The brother with low back pain----------------- Lum Bay Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in an RV --- Winnie Bay Gogh
His long lost movie producer uncle--------------- R Gough
Followed by his movie star second cousin--------- E Gough

I saw you smiling. There ya Gogh!


Find the Man in the Coffee Beans

A Special "Thank You" to C.N. for this Submission!


This is bizarre - after you find the guy - it's so obvious?
Once you find him - it's embarrassing, and you think?
"Why didn't I see him immediately?"?

Doctors have concluded that if you find the man in the coffee beans in 3 seconds, the right half of your brain is better developed than most people. If you find the man between 3 seconds and 1 minute, the right half of the brain is developed normally. If you find the man between 1 minute and 3 minutes, then the right half of your brain is functioning slowly and you need to eat more protein If you have not found the man after 3 minutes, the advice is to look for more of this type of exercise to make that part of the brain stronger!!!?

And, yes, the man is really there!!!


Florida Court Sets Atheist Holy Day!

A Special "Thank You" to S.P. for this Submission!


In Florida, an atheist created a case against the upcoming Easter and Passover Holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians and Jews and observances of their holy days...

The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days.

The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring: "Case dismissed!"

The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying:

"Your honor, How can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays.."

The judge leaned forward in his chair saying:

"But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant."

The lawyer said:

"Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists."

The judge said:

"The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day. Psalm 13:1 states: The fool hath said in his heart: There is no God . Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that, if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned."


Fridge Magnet

A Special "Thank You" to S.L. for this Submission!


Fun

A Special "Thank You" to C.N. for this Submission!



 


 


 


Giving Birth at Age 65

A Special "Thank You" to C.N. for this Submission!


With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth.

When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.

"May I see the new baby?" I asked.

"Not yet", she said, "I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first".

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, "May I see the new baby now?"

"No, not yet", she said.

After another few minutes had elapsed, I asked again, "May I see the baby now?"

"No, not yet", replied my friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked, "Well, when can I see the baby?"

"WHEN HE CRIES!" she told me.

"WHEN HE CRIES?" I demanded. "Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?"

"BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!"


Growing up without a cell phone

A Special "Thank You" to S.L. for this Submission!


If you are 40 (I wish), or older, you might think this is hilarious!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill... Barefoot... BOTH ways. yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way I was going do that to my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that I'm over the ripe old age of forty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.  You've got it so easy!  I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in Utopia!

And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!

1) I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet.  If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!

2) There was no e-mail!!  We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen!  Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there!  Stamps were 10 cents!

3) Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us.  As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our butt! Nowhere was safe!

4) There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes!  If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!

5) Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and mess it all up!  There were no CD players!  We had tape decks in our car.  We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless.

6) We didn't have fancy stuff like Call Waiting!  If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it!

7) There weren't any cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn't make a call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY GOSH !!!  Think of the horror... not being in touch with someone 24/7!!!  And then there's TEXTING.  Yeah, right.  Please!  You kids have no idea how annoying you are.

8) And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was!  It could be your school, your parents, your boss... you just didn't know!!!  You had to pick it up and take your chances!

9) We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics!  We had the Atari 2600!  Your screen guy was a little square!  You actually had to use your imagination!!!  And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen.. Forever!  And you could never win.  The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died!  Just like LIFE!

10) You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! For  channel surfing you had to get up and walk over to the TV to change the channel.  NO REMOTES!!!  Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!

11) There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning.  We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons!

12) We didn't have microwaves.  If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove!  Imagine that!

13) Our parents told us to stay outside and play... all day long.  No electronics to soothe and comfort.  And if you came back inside... you were doing chores! And car seats - oh, please!  Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on.  If you were lucky, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place!  See!  That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten!  You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1970 or any time before!

Regards,

The Over 40 Crowd


Help Desk Conversations

A Special "Thank You" to C.N. for this Submission!


HELLO, OPERATOR!

Another Chapter of “They Walk among Us and Reproduce”!!

Actual Call Center Conversations!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
First Actual Call


Customer:
“I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get through; can you help?”
Operator:  “Where did you get that number, sir?”
Customer: “It's on the door of your business.”
Operator: “Sir, those are the hours that we are open.”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Second Actual Call
Samsung Electronics


Caller: “Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?”
Operator: “I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about.”
Caller:
z
z
“On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?”
Operator: “I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Third Actual Call


Tech Support: “I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.”
Customer: “OK.”
Tech Support: “Did you get a pop-up menu?”
Customer: “No.”
Tech Support: “OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?”
Customer: “No.”
Tech Support: “OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?”
Customer: “Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'.”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Fourth Actual Call


Tech Support:
z
“OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?”
Customer: “Wow! How can you see my screen from there?”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Fifth Actual Call


Caller:
z
“I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I need it. So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my file back again?”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Sixth Actual Call

This has to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department.

Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for “Termination without Cause”.

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
(Now I know why they record these conversations!):


Operator: “Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?”
Caller: “Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect .”
Operator: “What sort of trouble?”
Caller: “Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”
Operator: “Went away?”
Caller: “They disappeared.”
Operator: “Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?”
Caller: “Nothing.”
Operator: “Nothing??”
Caller: “It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.”
Operator: “Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?”
Caller: “How do I tell?”
Operator: “Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen?”
Caller: “What's a sea-prompt?”
Operator: “Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?”
Caller: “There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type.”
Operator: “Does your monitor have a power indicator?”
Caller: “What's a monitor?”
Operator:
z
“It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.  Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?”
Caller: “I don't know.”
Operator:
z
“Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??”
Caller: “Yes, I think so.”
Operator:
z
“Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall....”
Caller: “Yes, it is.”
Operator:
z
“When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?“
Caller: “No.”
Operator:
z
“Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.”
Caller: “Okay, here it is.”
Operator:
z
“Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer..”
Caller: “I can't reach.”
Operator: “OK. Well, can you see if it is?”
Caller: “No.”
Operator: “Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?”
Caller:
z
“Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark.”
Operator: “Dark?”
Caller:
z
“Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.”
Operator: “Well, turn on the office light then.”
Caller: “I can't.”
Operator: “No? Why not?”
Caller: “Because there's a power failure.”
Operator:
z
z
“A power .... A power failure? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff that your computer came in?”
Caller: “Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.”
Operator:
z
“Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it.  Then take it back to the store you bought it from.”
Caller: “Really? Is it that bad?”
Operator: “Yes, I'm afraid it is.”
Caller: “Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?”
Operator: “Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!”


Help from India

A Special "Thank You" to C.N. for this Submission!

You know those guys in India that you call when you are having technical problems with your phone or your computer because everyone has outsourced those jobs away from North America?

Here's some examples of THEIR country's technology.



 

And we're calling THEM for help??


Hillbilly's Ten Commandments

A Special "Thank You" to C.N. for this Submission!
Maybe this is the way to teach the 10 Commandments today?!

Maybe then people would "get it"?

Tennessee Ten Commandments

Some people in Tennessee have trouble with all those 'shall's' and 'shall not's' in the Ten Commandments.

Folks just aren't used to talking in those terms. So, some folks in middle Tennessee got together and translated the Protestant "King James" version of the Bible into "Jackson County" language.....

No joke, read on...

The Hillbilly's Ten Commandments

(Posted on the wall at Cross Trails Church in Gainesboro, TN)

(1) Just one God
(2) Put nothin' before God
(3) Watch yer mouth
(4) Git yourself to Sunday meetin'
(5) Honor yer Ma & Pa
(6) No killin'
(7) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal
(8) Don't take what ain't yers
(9) No tellin' tales or gossipin'
(10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff

Now that's kinda plain an' simple, don't ya think?

Y'all have a nice day!


Honk and Text

A Special "Thank You" to C.N. for this Submission!


How to tell if a Catholic is driving too fast

A Special "Thank You" to C.N. for this Submission!



IF You like Words...

A Special "Thank You" to C.N. for this Submission!


Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home.  Details are sketchy.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic.  It's syncing now.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

When chemists die, they barium.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.  I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns.  It was a play on words.

PMS jokes aren't funny; period...

Why were the Indians here first?  They had reservations.

We're going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory.  I hope there's no pop quiz.

I didn't like my beard at first.  Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?  A thesaurus.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Velcro - what a rip off!


INDIAN COLD WINTER

A Special "Thank You" to C.N. for this Submission!


It was already late fall and the Indians on the Fond du Lac reservation in Cloquet, Minnesota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets.  When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea.  He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later the chief called the National Weather Service again.  "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied.  "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen."

"How can you be so sure?" the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."

Always remember this whenever you get advice from a government official!


Irony of it all

A Special "Thank You" to S.L. for this Submission!
THE IRONY OF IT ALL ....


 


 


Jewish Olympic Swimmer

A Special "Thank You" to S.L. for this Submission!



LEXOPHILES

A Special "Thank You" to C.N. for this Submission!


 1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

 2. A will is a dead giveaway.

 3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

 4. A backward poet writes inverse.

 5. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

 6. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

 7. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

 8. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

 9. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

 10. A calendar's days are numbered.

 11. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

 12. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

 13. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.

 14. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

 15. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

 16. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

 17. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

 18. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

 19. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

 20. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.

 21. The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
       He acquired his size from too much pi.

 22. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

 23. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

 24. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

 25. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

 26. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

 27. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

 28. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

 29. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

 30. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

 31. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: "Keep off the Grass".

 32. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.  When his Grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said  "No change yet".

 33. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.


Meeting God

A Special "Thank You" to S.L. for this Submission!


ME  First!

A Special "Thank You" to S.L. for this Submission!




My Favorite Animal

A Special "Thank You" to C.N. for this Submission!


Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said: “Fried chicken.”

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.

I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.

He said they love animals very much.

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.

I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.

I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.

I told her:  “Colonel Sanders”.  Guess where I am now...


Never Lie to a Woman

A Special "Thank You" to C.N. for this Submission!


A man called home to his wife and said:  “Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss and several friends.  We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week! Oh, and set out my rod and fishing box, we're Leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up."

"Oh! And please pack my new blue silk pyjamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.

The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

His Wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?

He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to to?"

You'll love the answer......

...........................................

..............................................

..................................................

.........................................................

.............................................................

................................................................

....................................................................
 

His Wife replied: "I did. They're in your fishing box...!"

Never Lie To A Woman...!!!


Not my job

A Special "Thank You" to S.L. for this Submission!





Pecans in the Cemetery

A Special "Thank You" to C.C. for this Submission!

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

“One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,” said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate.

Sure enough, he heard: “One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me...”

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

“Come here quick,” said the boy, “you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!”

The man said: “Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.”

When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard: “One for you, One for me. One for you, One for me.”

The old man whispered: “Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...”

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard: “One for you, One for me. That's all.. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done....”

They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.


Perks of being over 60

A Special "Thank You" to C.N. for this Submission!


At the root of every gray hair, there is a dead brain cell. Someone had to remind me, So I'm reminding you, too. Don't laugh.... It is all true! Perks of being over 60 and heading towards 70 or beyond! Maybe!!

1.  Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run -- anywhere.

4. People call at 9 PM (or 9 AM) and ask, 'Did I wake you?'

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now will never wear out.

8. You can eat supper at 4 PM.

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

19. You can't remember who sent you this list.

And you notice these are all in big print for your convenience.

Forward this to everyone you can remember Right now!

AND THE MOST IMPORTANT THING:

Never, NEVER, NEVER, Under any circumstances, Take a sleeping pill, and a laxative on the same night!

A Person's Mind and His Desk

A Special "Thank You" to S.P. for this Submission!

William F. Buckley


Nat Hentoff


Albert Einstein



Editor's Notes:
No Monopoly on Empty Desks:

La La Land Reality:

A Person's Mind Exposed - Not Hidden by a Desk:


And THIS PERSON was running for U.S. Vice-President!

Paul Ryan IS An:

WAKE UP AMERICA!!!


Queen of the Blondes

A Special "Thank You" to S.L. for this Submission!


Ramblings of a Retired Mind

A Special "Thank You" to C.N. for this Submission!


I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener. I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth, I think.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is "when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it".

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age, and call it "Pumping Rust".

I've gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

When people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!"

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me. They were cramming for their finals.

As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.


Enjoy Your Days & Love Your Life,
Because Life is a journey
to be savored.


School - 1950  vs. 2010

A Special "Thank You" to C.N. for this Submission!


Scenario:
Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.
1950 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2010 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario:
Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1950 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2010 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario:
Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
1950 -  Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2010 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario:
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1950 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2010 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.

Scenario:
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1950  - Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the smoking dock.
2010 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario:
Pedro fails high school English.
1950 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2010 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario:
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.
1950 - Ants die.
2010- BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario:
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1950 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2010 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

This should hit every e-mail to show how stupid we have become!
From the rocking of the cradle to the rolling of the hearse, the going up was worth the coming down.

Pagan Secular Humanism Run Amuck!!!
This is What Happens When God
Is Kicked Out of the Pagan Public Schools!!!


Shoo-In

A Special "Thank You" to C.N. for this Submission!



Twenty Seven Things
About to Become Extinct in the U.S.A.

A Special "Thank You" to C.N. for these Submissions!


Will this happen in our life time?

25. U.S. Post Office They are pricing themselves out of existence. With e-mail, and online services they are a relic of the past. (refer to #9) Packages are also sent faster and cheaper with UPS.

24. Yellow Pages This year will be pivotal for the global Yellow Pages industry. Much like newspapers, print Yellow Pages will continue to bleed dollars to their various digital counterparts, from Internet Yellow Pages (IYPs), to local search engines and combination search/listing services like Reach Local and Yodel Factors like 20 an acceleration of the print "fade rate" and the looming recession will contribute to the onslaught. One research firm predicts the falloff in usage of newspapers and print Yellow Pages could even reach 10% this year -- much higher than the 2%-3% fade rate seen in past years.

23. Classified Ads The Internet has made so many things obsolete that newspaper classified ads might sound like just another trivial item on a long list. But this is one of those harbingers of the future that could signal the end of civilization as we know it..  The argument is that if newspaper classifieds are replaced by free online listings at sites like Craigslist.org and Google Base, then newspapers are not far behind them.

22. Movie Rental Stores While Netflix is looking up at the moment, Blockbuster keeps closing store locations by the hundreds. It still has about 6,000 left across the world, but those keep dwindling and the stock is down considerably in 2008, especially since the company gave up a quest of Circuit City . Movie Gallery, which owned the Hollywood Video brand, closed up shop earlier this year. Countless small video chains and mom-and-pop stores have given up the ghost already.

21. Dial-up Internet Access Dial-up connections have fallen from 40% in 2001 to 10% in 2008. The combination of an infrastructure to accommodate affordable high speed Internet connections and the disappearing home phone have all but pounded the final nail in the coffin of dial-up Internet access.

20. Phone Land Lines According to a survey from the National Center for Health Statistics, at the end of 2007, nearly one in six homes was cell-only and, of those homes that had land lines, one in eight only received calls on their cells.

19. Chesapeake Bay Blue Crabs Maryland's icon, the blue crab, has been fading away in Chesapeake Bay. Last year Maryland saw the lowest harvest (22 million pounds) since 1945. Just four decades ago the bay produced 96 million pounds. The population is down 70% since 1990, when they first did a formal count. There are only about 120 million crabs in the bay and they think they need 200 million for a sustainable population. Over-fishing, pollution, invasive species and global warming get the blame.

18. VCRs For the better part of three decades, the VCR was a best-seller and staple in every American household until being completely decimated by the DVD, and now the Digital Video Recorder (DVR). In fact, the only remnants of the VHS age at your local Wal-Mart or Radio Shack are blank VHS tapes these days. Pre-recorded VHS tapes are largely gone and VHS decks are practically nowhere to be found. They served us so well.

17. Ash Trees.  In the late 1990's, a pretty, iridescent green species of beetle, now known as the emerald ash borer, hitched a ride to North America with ash wood products imported from eastern Asia . In less than a decade, its larvae have killed millions of trees in the Midwest and continue to spread. They've killed more than 30 million ash trees in southeastern Michigan alone, with tens of millions more lost in Ohio and Indiana . More than 7.5 billion ash trees are currently at risk.

16. Ham Radio Amateur radio operators enjoy personal (and often worldwide) wireless communications with each other and are able to support their communities with emergency and disaster communications if necessary, while increasing their personal knowledge of electronics and radio theory. However, proliferation of the Internet and its popularity among youth has caused the decline of amateur radio. In the past five years alone, the number of people holding active ham radio licenses has dropped by 50,000, even though Morse Code is no longer a requirement.

15. The Swimming Hole. Thanks to our litigious society, swimming holes are becoming a thing of the past. "20/20" reports that swimming hole owners, like Robert Every in High Falls, NY, are shutting them down out of worry that if someone gets hurt they'll sue. And that's exactly what happened in Seattle. The city of Bellingham was sued by Katie Hofstetter who was paralyzed in a fall at a popular swimming hole in Whatcom Falls Park. As injuries occur and lawsuits follow, expect more swimming holes to post "Keep out!" signs.

14. Answering Machines The increasing disappearance of answering machines is directly tied to No 20 our list -- the decline of landlines.  According to USA Today, the number of homes that only use cell phones jumped 159% between 2004 and 2007.  It has been particularly bad in New York; since 2000, landline usage has dropped 55%. It's logical that as cell phones rise, many of them replacing traditional landlines, that there will be fewer answering machines.

13. Cameras That Use Film. It doesn't require a statistician to prove the rapid disappearance of the film camera in America .  Just look to companies like Nikon, the professional's choice for quality camera equipment.  In 2006, it announced that it would stop making film cameras, pointing to the shrinking market -- only 3% of its sales in 2005, compared to 75% of sales from digital cameras and equipment.

12. Incandescent Bulbs. Before a few years ago, the standard 60-watt (or, yikes, 100-watt) bulb was the mainstay of every U.S. home. With the green movement and all-things-sustainable-energy crowd, the Compact Fluorescent Lightbulb (CFL) is largely replacing the older, Edison-era incandescent bulb. The EPA reports that 2007 sales for Energy Star CFLs nearly doubled from 2006, and these sales accounted for approximately 20 percent of the U.S. light bulb market. And according to USA Today, a new energy bill plans to phase out incandescent bulbs in the next four to 12 years.

11. Stand-Alone Bowling Alleys Bowling Balls. US claims there are still 60 million Americans who bowl at least once a year, but many are not bowling in stand-alone bowling alleys. Today most new bowling alleys are part of facilities for all types or recreation including laser tag, go-karts, bumper cars, video game arcades, climbing walls and glow miniature golf.  Bowling lanes also have been added to many non-traditional venues such as adult communities, hotels and resorts, and gambling casinos.

10. The Milkman. According to the U.S. Department of Agriculture, in 1950, over half of the milk delivered was to the home in quart bottles, by 1963, it was about a third and by 2001, it represented only 0.4% percent. Nowadays most milk is sold through supermarkets in gallon jugs. The steady decline in home-delivered milk is blamed, of course, on the rise of the supermarket, better home refrigeration and longer-lasting milk. Although some milkmen still make the rounds in pockets of the U.S., they are certainly a dying breed.

9. Hand-Written Letters. In 2006, the Radicati Group estimated that, worldwide, 183 billion e-mails were sent each day. Two million each second. By November of 2007, an estimated 3.3 billion Earthlings owned cell phones, and 80% of the world's population had access to cell phone coverage. In 2004, half-a-trillion text messages were sent, and the number has no doubt increased exponentially since then. So where amongst this gorge of gabble is there room for the elegant, polite hand-written letter?

8. Wild Horses. It is estimated that 100 years ago, as many as two million horses were roaming free within the United States .  In 2001, National Geographic News estimated that the wild horse population has decreased to about 50,000 head. Currently, the National Wild Horse and Burro Advisory board states that there are 32,000 free roaming horses in ten Western states, with half of them residing in Nevada. The Bureau of Land Management is seeking to reduce the total number of free range horses to 27,000, possibly by selective euthanasia.

7. Personal Checks. According to an American Bankers Assoc. report, a net 23% of consumers plan to decrease their use of checks over the next two years, while a net 14% plan to increase their use of PIN debit. Bill payment remains the last stronghold of paper-based payments -- for the time being. Checks continue to be the most commonly used bill payment method, with 71% of consumers paying at least one recurring bill per month by writing a check. However, a bill-by-bill basis, checks account for only 49% of consumers' recurring bill payments (down from 72% in 2001 and 60% in 2003).

6. Drive-in Theaters. During the peak in 1958, there were more than 4,000 drive-in theaters in this country, but in 2007 only 405 drive-ins were still operating.  Exactly zero new drive-ins have been built since 2005. Only one reopened in 2005 and five reopened in 2006, so there isn't much of a movement toward reviving the closed ones.

5. Mumps & Measles.  Despite what's been in the news lately, the measles and mumps actually, truly are disappearing from the United States.  In 1964, 12,000 cases of mumps were reported in the U.S. By 1983, this figure had dropped to 3,000, thanks to a vigorous vaccination program. Prior to the introduction of the measles vaccine, approximately half a million cases of measles were reported in the U.S. annually, resulting in 450 deaths. In 2005, only 66 cases were recorded.  However, this number is beginning to grow thanks to the floods of illegals into the U.S.A., along with other diseases that had totally disappeared.  A whooping caugh epidemic hit California in the last few months thanks to the illegals!

4. Honey Bees. Perhaps nothing on our list of disappearing America is so dire; plummeting so enormously; and so necessary to the survival of our food supply as the honey bee.  Very scary. "Colony Collapse Disorder," or CCD, has spread throughout the U.S. and Europe over the past few years, wiping out 50% to 90% of the colonies of many beekeepers -- and along with it, their livelihood.

3. News Magazines and TV News. While the TV evening newscasts haven't gone anywhere over the last several decades, their audiences have.  In 1984, in a story about the diminishing returns of the evening news, the New York Times reported that all three network evening-news programs combined had only 40.9 million viewers.  Fast forward to 2008, and what they have today is half that.

2. Analog TV. According to the Consumer Electronics Association, 85% of homes in the U.S. get their television programming through cable or satellite providers.  For the remaining 15% -- or 13 million individuals -- who are using rabbit ears or a large outdoor antenna to get their local stations, change has happened.  They had to get a new TV or a converter box in order to get the new stations which now broadcast only in digital..

1. The Family Farm. Since the 1930's, the number of family farms has been declining rapidly. According to the USDA, 5.3 million farms dotted the nation in 1950, but this number had declined to 2.1 million by the 2003 farm census (data from the 2007 census is just now being published). Ninety-one percent of the U.S. FARMS are small Family Farms.

Both interesting and saddening, isn't it?

[Editor's P.S. -  Here are two more additions to the above]:

26.  Hospitals.  Thanks again to the floods of illegals, many hospitals in California have gone under financially and have had to close their to to all American citizens.

27.  Legal American citizens.  Thanks to the floods of illegals into the U.S.A., legal American citizens are now literally a dying breed thanks to old-age and the rise of serious diseases in the U.S. that had totally disappeared, not to mention the Spiritual and Moral Decay, Rot, and Corruption the illegals have brought with them

(N.B.: The U.S. already had more than its share of this Spiritual and Moral filth from the many millions of abortions - which created a void which apparently God is permitting the illegals to replace?, plus its own political leaders, TV, radio, and print media, banks, Wall Street, credit card companies, insurance agencies, and mortgage companies - to name only a few such criminals),
especially drug gangs with their drive-by shootings which frequently kill innocent men, women, and even children, not to mention car-jackings, home invasion robberies, and the list goes on and on and on plus those in the U.S. Government who daily commit the Mortal Sin of Perjury for the violation of the Sacred Oath of Office, beginning in the White House, the U.S. Congress, and the U.S. Supreme Court!


Two Feet of Snow in Albany, N.Y.

A Special "Thank You" to S.L. for this Submission!


 


What Will I be When I Grow Up?

A Special "Thank You" to S.L. for this Submission!


What Will I be When I Grow Up?
This is just too priceless not to share!




Why God Made Moms

A Special "Thank You" to C.N. for this Submission!


Answers given by 2nd Grade School children to the following questions:

Why did God make Mothers?
1.  She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2.  Mostly to clean the house.
3.  To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make Mothers?
1.  He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2.  Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3.  God made my Mom just the same like he made me.  He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are Mothers made of?
1.  God makes Mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2.  They had to get their start from Men's bones.  Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your Mother and not some other Mom?
1.  We're related.
2.  God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's Mom like me.

What kind of a little girl was your Mom?
1.  My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff.
2.  I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3.  They say she used to be nice.

What did Mom need to know about Dad before she married him?
1.  His last name.
2.  She had to know his background.  Like is he a crook?  Does he get drunk on beer?
3.  Does he make at least $800 a year?  Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your Mom marry your Dad?
1.  My Dad makes the best spaghetti in the world.  And my Mom eats a lot.
2.  She got too old to do anything else with him.
3.  My Grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1.   Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because Dad's such a goof ball.
2.  Mom.  You can tell by room inspection.  She sees the stuff under the bed.
3.  I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad.

What's the difference between Moms and Dads?
1.  Moms work at work and work at home and Dads just go to work at work.
2.  Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3.  Dads are taller and stronger, but Moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friends.
4.  Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your Mom do in her spare time?
1.  Mothers don't do spare time.
2.  To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your Mom perfect?
1.  On the inside she's already perfect.  Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2.  Diet.  You know, her hair.  I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1.  She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean.  I'd get rid of that.
2.  I'd make my Mom smarter.  Then she would know it was my Sister who did it not me.
3.  I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.


Where to Retire???

A Special "Thank You" to C.N. for this Submission!


Dust Storm Over Phoenix

You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where.....

1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
3. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
4. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
5. Your thermomter registers 110 degrees and it is 2:00 a.m. and you are thinking it is only 3 hours to daylight and another blazing day in the sun!!
6.  Your car interior is totally destroyed because you have no covered parking at your apartment.
7.  Your apartment manager only gives you a lease for a maximum of three months and when you renew your lease your rent has increased $100.00!!!!
8.  Your car has no paint on it because it was sandblasted by the sand whipped up by the gale force wind in the dust storm as you were driving on the freeway at 2 mph.  (Note:  If you speed up to 5 mph, you will either run off the side of the road or hit one or more vehicles because of lack of visibility.)
9. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
10. Some of the rubber on the tires of your car have melted onto the blacktop parking lot.

OR


You can retire to California where...

1. You make over $950,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.
7. Road rage and drive-by shootings kill more people than traffic accidents.
8. You call any business and the automated recording gives you messages in English and Spanish.
9.  Many highway billboards are in Spanish.
10. The price of gasoline goes up every week, sometimes every day.
11. The only people out late at night are the police, tourists, and gang members.

OR


You can retire to New York City where...

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn. (Note: if you have a car).
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

OR


You can retire to Minnesota where.. .

1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco .
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for casserole.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

OR


You can retire to the Deep South where...

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Ellen, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5. Everything is either "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder." It's also important to know the difference.

OR


You can retire to Colorado where...

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
5. You have lots and lots of snow.

OR


You can retire to the Midwest where.. .

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a farm tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

OR


FINALLY, you can retire to Florida where.. .

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind, even for houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.


Kapok Tree Restaurant

6. Your neighbors tell you how great it used to be when going to Clearwater's Fabled Kapok Tree Restaurant, known for its lavish decor - rather than its menu - a sprawling complex that could serve 4,000 guests daily in twelve dining rooms and lounges as an international tourist destination, complete with souvenirs, gift shops, massive dining rooms that featured classical columns, imported classical statues, Victorian fountains, antique paintings, and sparkling chandeliers, all tastefully accented with vines and tropical plants, not to mention the entire restaurant was surrounded by fantastic formal gardens where you could patiently wait or walk as you waited and waited for one or more hours to be seated at a dinner table since it never took reservations which sometimes made your liquid refreshments tab bigger than your meal tab.




Woodpecker Might have to go!


A Special "Thank You" to C.N. for this Submission!
 



Words of Wisdom


A Special "Thank You" to S.L. for this Submission!




World's Smallest Horse


A Special "Thank You" to C.N. for this Submission!
 
BARNSTEAD – A pint-sized pinto born at Tiz A Miniature Horse Farm on Friday may just be one for the record books.

Named Einstein by his owners, Rachel Wagner and Charles Cantrell of Bellingham, Wash., the mini-horse was only 14 inches tall and weighed in at 6 pounds at birth. Wagner said she has already submitted an application to the Guinness Book of World Records to see whether Einstein qualifies as the world's smallest horse.


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