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Please
send your "Clean" jokes only, humor, witticisms, etc. so this section has
ONLY humor, then click the link below and send them to:
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Give me a sense of humor,
Lord.
Give me the ability to
understand a clean joke,
To get some humor out of
life,
And to pass it on to other
folk.
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“Blessed are those who can
laugh at themselves.
They shall never cease
to be greatly amused.”
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IS A DAY WASTED!!! |
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THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS
AS THEY APPEAR.
A DAY WITHOUT LAUGHTER
IS A DAY WASTED!!!
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You don't stop laughing
because you grow old
You grow old because you
stop laughing!!!
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Pays To Be Old
to be old
to be old
to be old
to be old
Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared where Andy had carved “I love you, Sally.”
On their way back ho me, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money: fifty-thousand dollars!
Andy said" “We’ve got to give it back.”
Sally said: “Finders keepers.”
She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic. The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money and knocked on the door.
“Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?”
Sally said, “No.”
Andy said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.”
Sally said, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile.”
The agents turn to Andy and began to question him.
One says: “Tell us the story from the beginning”
Andy said, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . . ..”
The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, “We’re outta here.”
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An Italian walked
into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the
loan officer that he was going to Italy on business for two weeks and needed
to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank. The bank
officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the
loan, so the Italian handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was
parked on the street in front of the bank. The Italian produced the title
and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as
collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.
Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Italian for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parked it.
Two weeks later, the Italian returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The Italian replied: "Minga, where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"
........ Ah, the Italians...Bada Bing
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"ALL
THAT IT TAKES FOR EVIL TO TRIUMPH, IS FOR GOOD PEOPLE TO DO NOTHING"
With a few exceptions this about says it all:
Senior citizens are constantly being criticized for every conceivable deficiency of the modern world, real or imaginary. We know we take responsibility for all we have done and do not blame others.
HOWEVER, upon reflection,
we would like to point out
that it was NOT the
senior citizens who took:
The melody out of
music,
The pride out of
appearance,
The courtesy out
of driving,
The romance out
of love,
The commitment out
of marriage,
The responsibility
out of parenthood,
The togetherness
out of the family,
The learning out
of education,
The service out
of patriotism,
The Golden Rule
from rulers,
The nativity scene
out of cities,
The civility out
of behavior,
The refinement out
of language,
The dedication out
of employment,
The prudence out
of spending,
The ambition out
of achievement,
or,
God out of
government and school.
And we certainly are NOT the ones who eliminated patience and tolerance from personal relationships and interactions with others!!
And, we do understand the meaning of patriotism, and remember those who have fought and died for our country.
Does anyone under the age of 50 know the lyrics to the Star Spangled Banner?
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My Country 'tis of Thee? "Our father's God to thee,
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YES, I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN!
I'm the life of the party.......
Even if it lasts until 8 p.m.
I'm very good at opening
childproof caps.... With a hammer.
I'm usually interested
in going home before I get to where I am going.
I'm awake many hours before
my body allows me to get up.
I'm smiling all the time
because I can't hear a thing you're saying.
I'm very good at telling
stories; over and over and over and over...
I'm aware that other people's
grandchildren are not nearly as cute as mine.
I'm so cared for -- long
term care, eye care, private care....
I'm not really grouchy,
I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, lawyers, loud music, unruly kids, Toyota commercials, Tom Brokaw, Dan Rather, barking dogs, politicians and a few other things I can't seem to remember right now.
I'm sure everything I can't find is in a safe secure place, somewhere.
I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg.
I'm having trouble remembering simple words like........
I'm beginning to realizing that aging is not for wimps.
I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days, and when did they let kids become policemen?
I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 350?
And, how can my kids be older than I feel sometimes?
I'm a walking storeroom of facts..... I've just lost the key to the storeroom door.
Yes, I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my life!
Now if I could only remember who sent this to me, I wouldn't send it back to them.
Now- Have I already sent
this to you???????
If so, I'll try not to do it again (for a while.)
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Gender of a Computer |
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The Gender of a Computer
A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
“House” for instance, is feminine: “la casa.” “Pencil,” however, is masculine: “el lapiz.”
A student asked, “What gender is ‘computer’?”
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether “computer” should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men’s group decided that “computer” should definitely be of the feminine gender (“la computadora”), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval;
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
(THIS GETS BETTER!)
The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine (“el computador”), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;The women won.2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem;
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model...
Send this to all the smart women you know...and to all of the men who have a sense of humor.
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Caller : Hi, our printer
is not working.
Customer Service: What is wrong with it?
Caller : Mouse is jammed.
Customer Service: Mouse? Printers don't have a mouse.
Caller: Mmmmm??.. Oh really?... I will send a picture.
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A farmer notices that
his rooster is getting kind of old...anyhow - a new rooster turns up at
the farm.
The new one tells old one "ok pal, your mating days are over, I'm the boss man now".
The older one says "nah, you've got to prove you're the alpha male before you get the hens. Tell you what, we'll have a race around the farmyard, and whoever wins gets the chicks".
"You're on" says the younger one, he figures this will be easy!
So the old one says "ready, steady..." and then just starts running without saying "go".
The young one runs after him. He's well annoyed the old boy started early, but figures he can catch him easily on one lap of the farmyard.
The old one's in the lead, and the younger one's slowly reeling him in, when...BLAAM!!!!
"#$%#*@&" says the farmer.
"Third gay rooster I've bought this month!!"
These morning walks are killing me!!!!
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Larry the cable guy...... |
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1. A day without sunshine
is like night.
2. On the other hand, you
have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all
statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers
give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people
you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last,
thinks slowest.
7. Light travels faster
than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
8. The early bird may get
the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Inside every older person
is a younger person wondering: "What happened?"
10. A clear conscience
is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable,
except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody
cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe
in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed
of dark?
15. When everything is
coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. What happens if you
get scared half to death, twice?
17. How much deeper would
the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but
skunks don't get sucked into jet engines.
The life of Riley O'Rover!
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(N.B. S.P. is not "picking on" Blonde women since she herself is also a natural Blonde!)
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver’s license.
She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
“What does it look like?” she finally asked.
The policewoman replied: “It’s square and it has your picture on it.”
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.
“Here it is,” she said.
The blonde officer looked
at the mirror, then handed it back saying: “OK, you can go. I didn’t realize
you were a cop.”
One Nation, "Under God."
One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in a classroom. The teacher was going to explain evolution to the children. The teacher asked a little boy: "Tommy do you see the tree outside?"
TOMMY: "Yes."
TEACHER: "Tommy, do you see the grass outside?"
TOMMY: "Yes."
TEACHER: "Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky."
TOMMY: "Okay. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky."
TEACHER: "Did you see God up there?"
TOMMY: "No."
TEACHER: "That's my point. We can't see God because he isn't there. Possibly he just doesn't exist."
A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions.
The teacher agreed and the little girl asked the boy: "Tommy, do you see the tree outside?"
TOMMY: "Yes."
LITTLE GIRL: "Tommy do you see the grass outside?"
TOMMY: "Yessssss!"
LITTLE GIRL: "Did you see the sky?"
TOMMY: "Yessssss!"
LITTLE GIRL: "Tommy, do you see the teacher?"
TOMMY: "Yes"
LITTLE GIRL: "Do you see her brain?"
TOMMY: "No"
LITTLE GIRL: "Then according to what we were taught today in school, she possibly may not even have one!"
(You Go Girl!)
"For we walk by faith, and
not by sight" (2 Corinthians 5:7).
A Blonde goes to Bed
Bath & Beyond to buy curtains.
She tells the clerk: “I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains.”
The clerk assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains.
She shows her several patterns but the Blonde seems to be having a hard time choosing.
Finally, she selects a lovely pink floral print.
The clerk then asks what size curtains she needs.
The Blonde promptly replies: “Seventeen inches.”
“Seventeen inches?” asked the clerk. “That sounds very small. What room are they for?”
The Blonde says: “They aren’t for a room. They are for my new computer monitor.”
The surprised clerk replies: “But Miss, computers do not need curtains!”
The Blonde says: “Hellllooooooooo
... I’ve got Windoooooows.......”
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A woman went to the
doctor's office where she was seen by a young new doctor. After about four
minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.
She burst out screaming and ran down the hallway.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was.
She told him her story.
After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.
The doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor and demanded: "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Smith is 62 years old, she has four grown children, seven grandchildren and you told her she was pregnant?"
The new doctor continued writing on his clipboard and, without looking up, asked: "Does she still have the hiccups?"
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One day a farmer's donkey
fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer
tried to figure out what to do.
Finally he decided the animal was old and the well needed to be covered up anyway, it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. So he invited all his neighbors to come over and help him.
They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement, he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well and was astonished at what he saw.
With every shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up!
As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.
Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off!
Moral: Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up!
Shake it off and take a step up!
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from
hatred.
2. Free your mind from
worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.
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Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME stuff, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Did you ever notice that
when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him
for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
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Someone asked the other day, “What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?”
“We didn’t have fast food when I was growing up,” I informed him.
“All the food was slow.”
“C’mon, seriously. Where did you eat?”
“It was a place called at home, I explained... !”
“Mom cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn’t like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it.”
By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table.
But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood, if I figured his system could have handled it:
Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis, set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card.
In their later years they had something called a revolving charge card. The card was good only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears & Roebuck?
Either way, there is no Roebuckanymore. Maybe he died?
My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly because we never had heard of soccer. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow).
We didn't have a television in our house until I was 5.
It was, of course, black and white, and the station went off the air at midnight, after playing the national anthem and a poem about God; it came back on the air at about 6 a.m. and there was usually a locally produced news and farm show on, featuring local people...
I was 13 before I tasted my first pizza, it was called pizza pie.
When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung down, plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too. It's still the best pizza I ever had.
Taco??? Never heard of that until I was a teenager, either.
We didn't have a car until I was 4. It was an old black Dodge.
I never had a telephone in my room.
The only phone in the house was in the living room and it was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen to make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.
Pizzas were not delivered to our home. But milk was.
All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers - my brother delivered newspapers, six days a week. It cost 7 cents a paper, of which he got to keep 2 cents. He had to get up at 6 a.m. every morning. On Saturday, he had to collect the 42 cents from his customers. His favorite customers were the ones who gave him 50 cents and told him to keep the change. His least favorite customers were the ones who seemed to never be home on collection day.
Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies. There were no movie ratings because all movies were responsibly produced for everyone to enjoy viewing, without profanity or violence or most anything offensive.
If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing.
Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?
MEMORIES from a friend:
My Dad was cleaning out
my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he brought me an old
Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of
holes in it. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea.
She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew
it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board with which to
'sprinkle' clothes because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am
old!
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Head lights dimmer switches
on the floor.
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Older Than Dirt Quiz:
Count all the ones that
you remember - not the ones you were told about
Ratings at the bottom.
| 1 Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water 3. Candy cigarettes 4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles 5. Coffee shops or diners with tableside juke boxes 6 . Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers 7. Party lines on the telephone 8. Newsreels before the movie 9. P.F. Flyers 10. Butch wax 11. TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and were there until TV shows started again in the morning. (there were only 3 channels, if you were fortunate) 12. Peashooters 13. Howdy Doody 14. 45 RPM records 15. S & H greenstamps 16. Hi-fi's 17. Metal ice trays with lever 18. Mimeograph paper 19 Blue flashbulb 20. Packards 21. Roller skate keys 22. Cork popguns 23. Drive-ins 24. Studebakers 25. Wash tub wringers |
If you remembered 0-5 =
You're still young
If you remembered 6-10
= You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15
= Don't tell your age,
If you remembered 16-25
= You're older than dirt!
I might be older than dirt but those memories are some of the best parts of my life!
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"It's great. Just type in
the name of someone
who died and it'll tell
you if they made
it in there or not."
1. A vulture boards
an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and
says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
2. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
3. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my Electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."
4. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
5. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said," I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
6. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to Spain, they name him "Juan"; the other went to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
7. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good Fathers to close down, but they would not.
He went back and begged the Friars to close. They ignored him.
So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close.
Hugh beat up the Friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.
Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist Friars.
8. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
9. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
[Editor's note: As you have probably surmised, there were actually ten puns, but, due to unacceptable content, I had to censer one!]
A Censer with smoke from burning Incense
(N.B. Incensole Acetate, an Incense Component, Elicits Psychoactivity by Activating TRPV3 Channels in the Brain. Reading between the lines of this lab-coat lingo, this report is saying that frankincense - the incense traditionally burned in religious ceremonies - can act on the brain to lower anxiety and to diminish depression! Another thing for which to be thankful to God!!)
Genuine "Holy Smoke"!
1. A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human: it was physically impossible.
The little girl said: "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked: "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied: "Then you ask him".
2. A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said: "But no one knows what God looks like.
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied: "They will in a minute."
3. A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked: "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered: "Thou shall not kill."
4. One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied: "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said: "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
5. The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture."Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out: "And there's the teacher, she's dead."
6. A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said: "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted: "Cause your feet ain't empty."
7. The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The Nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE . God is watching."
Moving farther along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note: "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
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Tragically, within our lifetimes, zoos might be the only places left to see these magnificent animals. A century ago there were about 100,000 tigers in the wild. Now there are just 2,500 adults, with the Bengal variety almost extinct. None has been seen in the wild since the last white tiger was shot and killed in 1958.
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All too rarely, airline
attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and their
other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples
that have been heard or reported:
On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.
In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite.
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks are in the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children....or other adults acting like children."
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
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On the first day of
school, a first grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note
read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of
his parents."
A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four- year old daughter to answer the phone. "It's Father John, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about six years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?"
"Yes," I answered and continued writing the report.
"My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?"
"Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me.
"Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked.
"It sure is," I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, What'd he do?"
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Mrs. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Mrs. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
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| To realize
The value of a sister/brother Ask someone Who doesn't have one. To realize
To realize
To realize
To realize
To realize
To realize
To realize
To realize
Time waits for no one.
To realize the value of
a friend or family member LOSE ONE.
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A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."
"And why not, darling?"
"You know that it always gives you a headache next morning."
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, Father Joseph heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his Roman Collar wilt.
Apparently, a five-year-old boy and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The 5 year old was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought Father Joseph usually said: "Glory be to the Faaaather. and to the Sonnn.....and ... and .... and .... into the hole he gooooes."
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear"?
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"
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"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him."
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1. There is no such thing as childproofing your home.
2. If you spray hairspray on dust bunnies and then run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 4-year-olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a Superman cape...
5. ... it is, however, strong enough to spread paint on all 4 walls of a 20x20 ft. room
6. Baseballs make marks on ceilings
7. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up several times before you get a hit.
8. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
9. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way
10. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
11. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh-oh", it's already too late.
12. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke--lots of it.
13. A 6-year-old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 60-year-old man says it can only be done in the movies.
14. A magnifying glass can start a fire, even on a overcast day.
15. If you use a waterbed as a home plate while wearing baseball shoes, it does not leak, it explodes.
16. A king sized waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000 sq ft house almost 4 inches deep.
17. Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4 year old.
18. Duplos will not.
19. Play-Doh and microwave ovens should never be used in the same sequence.
20. Super Glue is forever.
21. MacGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.
22. So can Tarzan
23. No matter how much Jello you put in the pool, you still can't walk on water.
24. Pool filters dont like Jello
25. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches, even though the TV commercials show they do.
26. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
27. Marbles in the gas tank make lots of noise when driving.
28. You probably don't want to know what that odor is.
29. Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
30. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
31. The typical fire department has at least a 5-minute response time.
32. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy...
33. ...it will, however, make cats dizzy.
34. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
35. A good sence of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect.)
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your next bumper sticker... |
WHATEVER HITS THE FAN WILL
NOT BE DISTRIBUTED EVENLY.
I have kleptomania,
but when it gets bad,
I take something for it.
Heaven is Where:
The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French
And it's all organized
by the Swiss.
Hell is Where:
The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss
and it's all organized
by the Italians.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
My short-term memory is
not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my short-term memory's
not as sharp as it used to be.
Welcome to Utah - set your watch back 20 years.
In just two days from now, tomorrow will be yesterday.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory
The statement below is true.
The statement above is
false.
I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other.
I am a Nobody.
Nobody is Perfect.
Therefore I am Perfect.
KENTUCKY:
Five million people,
Fifteen last names.
I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
Dyslexics Have More Nuf.
In Memoriam
With all the sadness and
trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the
death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.
Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at
age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the
coffin. They put his left leg in and then the trouble started.
I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE
Sometimes I even put it
in the food.
Preserve the Spotted Owl
(in formaldehyde)
When you work here,
you can name your own salary.
I named mine, "Fred".
money isn't everything,
but it sure keeps the kids
in touch.
Reality is only an illusion
that occurs due to a lack
of alcohol.
I like cats too.
Let's exchange recipes.
Red meat is not bad for
you
Fuzzy green meat is bad
for you.
I am having an out-of-money experience.
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him: "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"
Don't sweat the petty things.
Don't pet the sweaty things.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines!
I FOUND JESUS!
He was in my trunk when
I got back from Tijuana.
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On a flight getting ready to depart for Boston ..
Jack was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear.
"What's the matter?" Jack asked.
"I've been transferred to Boston , there's crazy people there. They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate."
Jack replied: "I've lived
in Boston all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find
a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a
nice private school. It's as safe a place as
anywhere in the world."
The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said: "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"
"Me?" said Jack. "I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."
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LORD'S PRAYER |
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A Mother was teaching her 3-year-old the Lord's prayer. For several evenings at bedtime she repeated it after her Mother. One night she said she was ready to solo.
The Mother listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer.
"Lead us not into temptation,"
she prayed, "but deliver us some e-mail, Amen."
BEST POEM EVER
by
Mia DeAngelo
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
enough money within her
control to move out and rent a place of her own, even if she never wants
to or needs to...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....
something perfect to wear
if the employer, or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..
a youth she's content to
leave behind....
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ......
a set of screwdrivers,
a cordless drill, and a black lace bra...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
one friend who always makes
her laugh... and one who lets her cry...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....
a good piece of furniture
not previously owned by anyone else in her family...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
eight matching plates,
wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal, that will make her guests
feel honored.
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....
a feeling of control over
her destiny...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to fall in love without
losing herself..
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to quit a job, break
up with a lover, and confront a friend without; ruining the friendship...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
when to try harder... and
WHEN TO WALK AWAY...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
that she can't change the
length of her calves, the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents..
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
that her childhood may
not have been perfect...but it's over...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
what she would and wouldn't
do for love or more...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... how to live alone... even if she doesn't like it...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW..
.
whom she can trust, whom
she can't, and why she shouldn't take it personally...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
where to go... be it to
her best friend's kitchen table.. or a charming Inn in the woods... when
her soul needs soothing...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
What she can and can't
accomplish in a day... a month...and a year...
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1. How Do You Catch
a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch a Tame
Rabbit?
Tame Way.
3. How Do Crazy People Go
Through The Forest ?
They Take The Psycho Path.
4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of
It.
5. What Do Eskimos Get From
Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's.
6. What Do You Call a Boomerang
That Doesn't work?
A Stick.
7. What Do You Call Cheese
That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese
8. What Do You Call Santa's
Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
9. What Do You Call Four
Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko....
10. What Do You Get From
a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.
11. What Do You Get When
You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.
12. What Lies At The Bottom
Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.
13. Where Do You Find a
Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.
14. Why Do Gorillas Have
Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.
15. Why Don't Blind People
Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.
16. What Kind Of Coffee
Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.
17. What Is The Difference
Between a Harley and a Hoover?!
The Location Of The Dirt
Bag.
18. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants
Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their
Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
19. What's The Difference
Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack,
Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang!
Whack!
20. How Are a Texas Tornado
And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?!
Somebody's Gonna Loose
A Trailer.
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She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier had a surprised look, so the nun said, "This is for washing our hair."
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer and said, "The curlers are on me."
A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order.
He said: "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook: "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running Boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?
"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."
"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked: "What are the beans for, Blondie?"
I LOVE THIS ONE..........
She replied: "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"
FOR ONCE THE BLONDE GETS
EVEN!!!!!
A blonde wanted to sell
her car, but couldn't find any buyers. She called her friend for advice,
and her friend asked her how many miles she had on her car. "235,000 miles."
Her friend told her that was the problem.
But the blonde's friend also told her that her brother is a mechanic and could put back the miles to whatever she wanted.
So the blonde went to the mechanic and told him to put the miles at 40,000.
Two days later the blonde's
friend asked her if she sold the car since her brother dropped the miles.
The blonde told her, "Why would I sell the car? There are only 40,000 miles
on it!"
Things Got Ya Down?
Well Then, Consider These . . .
In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am, regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the super natural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 AM Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.
The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 AM all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.
Still Having a Bad Day????
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
Still think you are having a Bad Day????
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
Are Ya OK Now? - No?
Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany . Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.
What?!? STILL having a Bad Day????
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet did not pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with 'Return to Sender' stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. God is Good!
There now, Feeling Better?
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Banking Problem Explained |
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Zionist Genius &
Financial Whiz Kid - (100% Wrong!!!)
Young Issac moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said: "Sorry Issac, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."
Issac replied: "Well, then just give me my money back."
The farmer said: "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Issac said: "OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey."
The farmer asked: "What ya gonna do with him?"
Issac said: "I'm going to raffle him off."
The farmer said: "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
Issac said: "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."
A month later, the farmer met up with Issac and asked: "What happened with that dead donkey?"
Issac said: "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.00."
The farmer said: "Didn't anyone complain?"
Issac said: "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."
Issac now works for Goldman Sachs on Wall Street.
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AND REMEMBER:
GOOD FRIENDS ARE LIKE STARS.
YOU DON'T ALWAYS SEE THEM,
BUT YOU ALWAYS KNOW THEY ARE THERE!!!!!!
Be yourself...everyone else is already taken!
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A man placed some flowers
on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his
car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment
to collect himself, then replied..."My wife's first husband."
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I am seeing 5 gentlemen
every day.
As soon as I wake up, Will
Power helps me get out of bed.
Then I go to see John.
Then Charlie Horse comes along, & when he is here, he takes a lot of my time & attention.
After such a busy day,
I'm really tired & glad to go to bed with Ben
Gay. What a life!
Oh, yes, I'm also flirting with Al Zymer.
and thinking of calling
JACK
DANIELS or JOHNNY WALKER
to come and keep me company.
Now remember: Life is like a roll of toilet paper ...the closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes... so have fun, think 'good thoughts' only, learn to laugh at yourself, and 'Count your blessings!!!!!!!
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The Story of Adam & Eve's Pets
Adam and Eve said:
“Lord, when we were in
the garden,
you walked with us every
day.
Now we do not see you any
more.
We are lonesome here, and
it is difficult
for us to remember how
much you love us.”
And God said:
"I will create a companion
for you that will be with you
and who will be a reflection
of my love for you,
so that you will love me
even when you cannot see me.
Regardless of how selfish
or childish or unlovable you may be,
this new companion will
accept you as you are
and will love you as I
do, in spite of yourselves.”
And God created a new animal
to be a companion for Adam
and Eve.
And it was a good animal
And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased
to be
with Adam and Eve and he
wagged his tail .
And Adam said:
“Lord, I have already named
all the animals
in the Kingdom and I cannot
think of a name for this new animal.”
And God said:
“I have created this new
animal to be a reflection
of my love for you, his
name will be a reflection
of my own name, and you
will call him DOG.”
And Dog lived with Adam
and Eve
and was a companion to
them and loved them.
And they were comforted
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and
wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to
pass that
an angel came to the Lord
and said:
“Lord, Adam and Eve have
become filled with pride.
They strut and preen like
peacocks and
they believe they are worthy
of adoration.
Dog has indeed taught them
that they are loved, but perhaps too well.”
And God said:
"I will create for them
a companion who will be with them
and who will see them as
they are.
The companion will remind
them of their limitations,
so they will know that
they are not worthy of adoration.”
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them.
And when Adam and Eve gazed
into Cat's eyes,
they were reminded that
they were not the supreme beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased . . . . .
And Dog was happy. . . . .
And Cat didn't give a CARE one way or the other....
While on a
road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.
After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed
their trip. The elderly woman had unknowingly left her glasses on
the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about forty
minutes. Then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel
quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order
to return to the restaurant.
All the way back, the husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and groussed at his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute.
Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.
A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills... she has 14 kids but doesn't really care.
One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5 lbs.
My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you are doing, someone else does.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.
I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my knicker's.
Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes!
Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like:
"You know sometimes I forget to eat!" ....Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name and my keys, but I have never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.
I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day!
LIVE SIMPLY.....LAUGH OFTEN....LOVE DEEPLY
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TO MY BANK
Dear Sirs,
In view of what seems to be happening internationally with banks
at the moment, I was wondering if you could advise me:
If one of my checks is returned marked "insufficient funds," how
do I know whether that refers to me or to you?
Sincerely,
Your Customer
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For all of us who feel
only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced
our lives, read on.
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX),Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,
"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:
"If GM ha d developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part ):
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........Twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask Are you sure? before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again be cause none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the Start button to turn the engine off."
PS - I'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call "customer service" in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!!!!
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She is eighty-eight
years old and still drives her own car.
She writes:
Dear Grand-Daughter,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker.
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed!
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that lots of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of God!", "Go! Go! Go!"
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking!
I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved at all my brothers and sisters grinning, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!
Will write again soon,
Love,
Grandma
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New New New Mass! That's NEW |
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Think about all the possibilities! Think about what the Mass could be, rather than what it often is. The abuses and experiments, gone!
The tawdry celebration of self, gone!
Latin back in its proper place! Gregorian Chant!
The priest's magnificent back on glorious display!
The more I thought about it the more excited I became and the more I started wondering how would such a change be successfully introduced to the faithful? How could we not only have the faithful accept the changes to the mass, but actually desire them? To want them, need them, can't live without them?!?
Then like a light bulb, I realized there is no need to re-invent the light bulb. We should use some tried and true methods that have proved their effectiveness over generations. We should use some ol' fashioned marketing techniques to sell the new New Mass to the masses!
Now I know what you are thinking.
"Patrick, we have no idea what the new New New New ever-changing New New New Mass of the New New masses will look like or even if there will be a new New New New Mass."
I say, don't bother me with such minutiae. We need to build anticipation, we need to build hype, we need to build overwhelming demand! Therefore, let's move full steam ahead with some advance marketing!
First, we need a good product name. Fortunately, I took care of that for them the other day when I dubbed the new New New New Mass, Novus Ordo, updated version 666!
I know, I know. Stroke of genius that.
But now we need a marketing campaign sell the Novus Ordo, updated version 666.
As you know, any good marketing plan starts with good packaging. So I decided that I should to help ante-deluvian dolts in the Vatican marketing department out. Therefore I have issued, motu proprio, the first great marketing campaign of the "Reform of the Reform" era.
I give you Papa Ben's Novus Ordo, updated version 666 ------
This idea is a surefire winner, don't you think? Well, I have to go now, the Pope should be calling any minute.
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Research has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton- like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years; It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium' s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.
When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
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AIDS |
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SENIOR CITIZENS ARE THE NATION'S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS!
| HEARING AIDS
BAND AIDS ROLAIDS WALKING AIDS MEDICAL AIDS GOVERNMENT AIDS MOST OF ALL, MONETARY AID TO THEIR KIDS!
This is for my "old" friends.
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Little Johnny's at it again.....
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they”re stupid, stand up!”
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, “Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?”
“No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!”
Little Johnny watched, fascinated,
as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. “Why do you do
that, mommy?” he asked.
“To make myself beautiful,” said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
“What's the matter?” asked Little Johnny. “Giving up?”
The math teacher saw that
little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said,
“Johnny! What are 2 and
4 and 28 and 44?”
Little Johnny quickly replied, “NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!”
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
“Yes,” said the policeman. “The detectives want very badly to capture him.”
Little Johnny asked, “Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?”
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**Dear Tech Support**,
Last year I upgraded from **_Boyfriend 5.0_** to **_Husband 1.0_** and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under **_Boyfriend 5.0_**.
In addition, **_Husband 1.0_** uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as ***_Romance 9.5_** and **_Personal Attention 6.5_**_,_ *and then installed undesirable programs such as* **_NASCAR 6.0_****, _NFL 5.1_** and **_Golf Clubs 4.1_****.
***_Conversation 8.0_** no longer runs, and **_Housecleaning 2.6_** **simply crashes the system.*
Please note that I have tried running **_Nagging 5.3_** **to fix these problems, but to no avail. ***
**What can I do?
Signed,
*_Desperate.
*_DEAR DESPERATE_,
**First, keep in mind, ***_Boyfriend 5.0_** is an Entertainment Package, while* ***_Husband 1.0_** is an operating system.
*Please enter command**: **_ithoughtyoulovedme.html_** **and try to download** **_Tears 6.2_** **and do not forget to install the** **_Guilt 3.0_** **update.** *
If that application works
as designed, **_Husband 1.0_** should then automatically run the applications
**_Jewelry 2.0_** and **_Flowers 3.5._**_
_
*However, remember, overuse
of the above application can cause **_Husband 1.0_** **to default to**
**_Grumpy Silence 2.5_**, **_Happy Hour 7.0_** or **_Beer 6.1_**.
Please note that **_Beer 6. 1_** is a very bad program that will download the **_Snoring Loudly Beta_**_.
**Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install **_Mother-In-Law 1.0_** (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)
**In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the **_Boyfriend 5.0_**-**program. These are unsupported applications and will crash** **_Husband 1.0_**.
**In summary**, **_Husband 1.0_** **is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance**. **We recommend** ***_Cooking 3.0_** and **_Lingerie 7.7._**_
_*
**Good Luck!** *
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They're back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters.
These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
--------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning:
'Jesus Walks on the Water.'
The sermon tonight: 'Searching
for Jesus.'
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Ladies, don't forget the
rummage sale.
It's a chance to get rid
of those things not worth keeping around the house.
Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many
who are sick of our community.
Smile at someone who is
hard to love.
Say "Hell" to someone who
doesn't care much about you.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
-------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie
Carter were married on October 24 in the church.
So ends a friendship that
began in their schooldays.
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A bean supper will be held
on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow.
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight,
the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?'
Come early and listen to
our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum
cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to
cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment, and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there
will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church.
Bring a blanket and come
prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will
be held Thursday morning at 10 AM.
All ladies are invited
to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support
Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.
Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet
at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double
door at the side entrance.
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A thief in Paris planned
to steal some Paintings from the Louvre.
After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: "Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings."
"I had no Monet
to buy Degas
to make the Van Gogh."
See if you have De Gaulle
to send this on to someone else.
I sent it to you because
I figured I had nothing Toulouse.
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A penny saved is a government oversight.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
He who hesitates is probably
right.
Did you ever notice: The
Roman Numerals for forty (40) are 'XL.'
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
There's always a lot to
be thankful for if you take time to look for it.
For example I am sitting
here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs.'
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it..
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Some people try to turn
back their odometers.
Not me, I want people to
know 'why' I look this way.
I've traveled a long way
and some of the roads weren't paved.
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young...
Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
First you forget names, then you forget faces.
Long ago when men cursed
and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.
Today, it's called golf.
Lord, Keep your arm
around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth...
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Men grow older too!!!!! |
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Folks! It isn't Global Warming
!
that we should be worried
about,
The Gravity pull of the
earth is
getting STRONGER!
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My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked,
“What’s on TV?”
I said, “Dust.”
And then the fight started…
=======================================================================
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She
said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.”
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started…
=====================================================================
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive...
so, I took her to a gas station...
And then the fight started....
=====================================================================
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license
to
verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet
at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and
come
back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing
my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is
proof enough for me
and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social
Security office.
She said, 'you should have @#&^#$^&(*^$$#@@%#$. You
might have gotten
disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
===============================================================
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept
staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking
right
after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober
since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
============================================================
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and
slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you
just get
soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT
HAPPY!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started...
WHO IS YOUR ROLE MODEL???
Try it without looking at the answers..... .
Please don't look down until
you do it, you'll love it I promise
GET A CALCULATOR (YOUR COMPUTER
HAS ONE ON IT).
1) Pick your favorite
number between 1-9
2) Multiply by 3 then
3) Add 3, then again
Multiply by 3 (I'll wait while you get the calculator.. ..)
4) You'll get a 2
or 3 digit number….
5) Add the digits
together
Now Scroll down . ..
Now with that number see
who your ROLE MODEL is from the list below:
1. Einstein
2. Nelson Mandela
3. John Wayne
4. Helen Keller
5. Bill Gates
6. Gandhi
7. George Clooney < div>
8. Thomas Edison=2 0
9. S. P.
10. Abraham Lincoln
I know....I just have that
effect on people....one day you too can be like me.... :-) Believe it!
P.S.: Stop picking different
numbers. I am your idol, just deal with it!!!! NOW CHANGE MY NAME
IN NO. 9 TO YOUR NAME AND SEND IT ON!!
What do you call a Nun
that sleep walks?
A roaming Catholic.
Nuk Nuk!! :-)
ON JULY 20, 1969, AS
COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON
TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON.
HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING
ON THE MOON, “THAT’S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE
GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND,”
WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS.
BUT JUST BEFORE HE RE-ENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK: “GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY.”
MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGHT IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT. HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS.
OVER THE YEARS MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE “GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY” STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED.
ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY, FLORIDA, WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD QUESTION TO ARMSTRONG.
THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED.
MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD ANSWER THE QUESTION.
IN 1938 WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MIDWEST TOWN, HE WAS PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD. HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR’S YARD BY THE BEDROOM WINDOWS.
HIS NEIGHBORS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY. AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY. “SEX! YOU WANT SEX? YOU’LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!”
THIS IS A TRUE STORY.
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It seems St. Peter,
guardian of the heavenly gates, had a complaint for Jesus: "Somebody's
been letting people in through the back door."
"Well, stop it," Jesus says.
"Can't," says St. Peter. "It's your Mother doing it."
(N.B. Much
Truth is said in jest - Yes, through daily recitation of the Holy Rosary
of the Blessed Virgin Mary!)
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this will work |
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A Good Housekeeping Tip
Another Maxine Tip .....
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Always keep several
get well cards on the mantle ... So if unexpected guests arrive, They will think you've been sick and unable to clean! |
1. *Cheese*
The teacher told Pepito
to use the word cheese in a sentence.
Pepito replies: Maria likes
me, but cheese fat.
2. *Mushroom*
When all my family get
in the car, there's not mushroom.
3. *Shoulder*
My fren wanted 2 become
a citzen but she dint know how to read so I shoulder.
4. * Texas *
My fren always Texas me
when I'm not home wondering where I'm at!
5. *July*
Ju told me ju were going
to tha store and July to me! Julyer!
6. *Chicken*
I was going to go to the
store with my wife but chicken go herself.
7. *Wheelchair*
We only have one enchilada
left, but don't worry wheelchair
8. *Chicken* *wing*
My wife plays the lottery
so chicken wing.
9. *Body wash*
I want to go to the club
but no body wash my kids.
A Jesuit, a Dominican, and a Trappist were marooned on a desert island. They found a magic lamp, and after some discussion decided to rub it.
Lo and behold, a genie appeared and offered them three wishes. They decided it was only fair that they could each have one wish.
The Jebbie said he wanted to teach at the world's most famous university, and poof, he was gone!
The Dominican wished to preach in the world's largest church, and poof, he was gone!
Then the Trappist said, "Gee, I already got my wish!"
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'Hello, is this the
Sheriff's Office?'
'Yes. What can I do for you?'
'I'm callin' to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith. He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there.'
'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'
The next day, twelve Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They sneer at Virgil and leave.
Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.
'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd. Did the Sheriff come?'
'Yeah!'
'Did they chop your firewood?'
'Yep!'
'Happy Birthday, buddy!'
(Rednecks know how to git-r-dun).
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| Where
there's a will ... I want to be in it.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? On the other hand, you have different fingers. A day without sunshine is, like, night. Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. Honk if you love peace and quiet. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments. A penny saved is a government oversight. The buck doesn't even slow down here! Originality is the art of concealing your sources. |||||||//////__ __ __ __ __ The domino effect at work. Shin - Device for finding furniture in the dark. Which is the non-smoking lifeboat? It said 'Insert disk #3', but only two will fit. I've taken a vow of poverty. To annoy me, send money. A waist is a terrible thing to mind. COLE'S LAW: Thinly sliced cabbage. Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy. Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery. |
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As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. Eschew
obfuscation.
Bumper Stickers related to Language Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular. Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses. Air Pollution is a mist-demeaner. Ground Beef: A Cow With No Legs! Editing
is a rewording activity.
Bumper stickers about Life Never
take life seriously.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. When
you're finally holding all the cards,
I
don't have a problem with willpower.
My life has a superb cast, but I can't figure out the plot. We do precision guesswork. Nothing's impossible for those who don't have to do it. The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep. Advice is free: The right answer will cost plenty. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. Keep honking, I'm reloading. WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition It's lonely at the top, but you eat better. Anything free is worth what you pay for it. Everyone is entitled to my opinion. Gene Police: YOU!! Out of the pool! I used to be indecisive; now I'm not sure. My reality check just bounced. Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art. What if there were no hypothetical questions? No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway. Oh,
no! Not ANOTHER learning experience!
Bumper Stickers Views of Life I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. Remember half the people you know are below average. Despite the cost of living, it's still popular. Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool. He who laughs last thinks slowest. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. I intend to live forever. So far, so good. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and driving against traffic. No one is listening until you make a mistake. Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun. Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long. 43.3% of statistics are meaningless! Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing. The more you complain, the longer God lets you live. Help wanted telepathy: you know where to apply. Forget about World Peace...Visualize Using Your Turn Signal! Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear. Give me ambiguity or give me something else. Elvis is dead, and I'm not feeling too good myself. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. I doubt, therefore I might be. The older you get, the better you realize you were. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry? Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? If
you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Bumper sticker Ponderings I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges? The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? Quantum mechanics: The stuff dreams are made of. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism. Two wrongs are only the beginning. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. Always
try to be modest, and be proud of it!
Bumper Stickers on Relationships Be nice to your kids...They will pick out your nursing home. You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you! WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade! Sometimes
I wake up grumpy, and sometimes I let him sleep!"
I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made. So you're a feminist... Isn't that cute! Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. All men are idiots... I married their king. Men
are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
Bumper Stickers on Science Entropy isn't what it used to be. Microbiology Lab: Staph Only! 186,000 miles/sec: Not just a good idea, it's the LAW. Chemistry professors never die, they just smell that way! Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? |
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Joan was taking an afternoon nap on New Year's Eve before the festivities. After she woke up, she confided to Erek, her husband: "I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year's present. What do you think it all means?"
"Aha, you'll know tonight," answered Erek smiling broadly.
At midnight , as the New Year was chiming, Erek approached Joan and handed her small package.
Delighted and excited she opened it quickly. There in her hand rested a small booklet entitled: "The meaning of dreams".
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