Humor - On the Laugh Side
A joyful mind maketh age flourishing:
A sorrowful spirit drieth up the bones.
Please send your "Clean" jokes only, humor, witticisms, etc. so this section has ONLY humor, then click the link below and send them to:
Give me a sense of humor, Lord.
Give me the ability to understand a clean joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And to pass it on to other folk.
“Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves.
They shall never cease to be greatly amused.”
IS A DAY WASTED!!!
THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS
A DAY WITHOUT LAUGHTER IS A DAY WASTED!!!
You don't stop laughing
because you grow old
You grow old because you stop laughing!!!
ARE THE CRACKED, FOR THEY LET IN THE LIGHT!
FOR THEY LET IN THE LIGHT!
husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God
and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
stop to think, and forget to start again?
16. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18. Procrastinate Now!
Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21.A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22.Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29. I smile because I don't know what is going on.
every single thing you have, especially your friends!
Life is too short and friends are too few!
Mr. "A" claims:
I was at a deck party awhile back, and the bugs were having a ball biting everyone. A man at the party sprayed the lawn and deck floor with Listerine, and the little demons disappeared. The next year I filled a 4-ounce spray bottle and used it around my seat whenever I saw mosquitoes. And voila! That worked as well.Mr. "B" claims:
It worked at a picnic where we sprayed the area around the food table, the children's swing area, and the standing water nearby. During the summer, I don't leave home without it.
I tried this on my deck and around all of my doors. It works - in fact, it killed them instantly.Mr. "Good Humor" claims:
I bought my bottle from Target and it cost me $1.89. It really doesn't take much, and it is a big bottle, too; so it is not as expensive to use as the can of Bug-spray you buy that doesn't last 30 minutes. So, try this, please. It will last a couple of days. Don't spray directly on a wood door (like your front door), but spray around the frame. Spray around the window frames, and even inside the dog house.
I got a bottle last year to try in Alaska
and then I never saw a Mosquito all summer
and I didn't even open the bottle
so I used it for mouth wash this winter.
My parents told me about Mr. Common Sense early in my life and told me I would do well to call on him when making decisions. It seems he was always around in my early years but less and less as time passed by. Today I read his obituary. Please join me for a moment of silence in remembrance. For Common Sense has served us all so well for so many generations.
Obituary: Common Sense
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn't always fair, and maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they themselves failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Aspirin, sun lotion or a sticky plaster to a student; but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't legally defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar can sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his Parents, Truth and Trust; his Wife, Discretion; his Daughter, Responsibility; and his Son, Reason. He is survived by three stepbrothers; I Know my Rights; Someone Else is to Blame; and I'm a Victim.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.
1. The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye
doctor on an Alaskan island,
but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol
was confiscated from algebra class because
it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. Now matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging
on a hat rack in the hallway.
One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: "Keep off the Grass".
16. A small boy swallowed
some coins and was taken to a hospital.
When his Grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
18. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
19. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
20. A backward poet writes inverse.
21. In a Constitutional Republic, it's your vote that counts. In Feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
22. When cannibals ate a Missionary, they got a taste of Religion.
23. Don't join dangerous
cults: Practice safe sects!
A Wife walked into the kitchen to find her Husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
'What are you doing?' She asked .
'Hunting Flies' He responded.
'Oh. Killing any?' She asked
'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. 'How can you tell them apart?'
He responded, 3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.
Everything I need to know, I learned from Noah's Ark.
ONE: Don't miss the boat.
TWO: Remember that we are all in the same boat.
THREE: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.
FOUR: Stay fit. When you're 60 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.
FIVE: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.
SIX: Build your future on high ground.
SEVEN: For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
EIGHT: Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.
NINE: When you're stressed, float awhile.
TEN: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.
ELEVEN: No matter the storm, when you are with God, there's always a rainbow waiting.
This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six-year-old is. They think so logically.
A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.
She read: "....and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?"
The teacher paused and then asked the class:
"And what do you think the man said?"
One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly: "I think the man would have said - Well, I'll be *@#%*@#$!! A talking pig!"'
The teacher had to leave the room and contemplate the reasons we have wars.
This test is NOT a pushover. There are 20 questions. Average score is 12.
(Editor: I took this test
and got 19 out of 20,
but I am sure some of you will get a perfect score!)
This one will be difficult for the younger set. Have fun, but no peeking! When you forward this to your friends/family, put your score in the subject line & let them know your score. Don't forget to forward it to me, as well. Good luck youngsters.
1. What builds strong bodies 12 ways?
A. Flintstones vitamins
B. The Buttmaster
D. Wonder Bread
E. Orange Juice
G. Cod Liver Oil
2. Before he was Muhammed Ali, he was...
A. Sugar Ray Robinson
B. Roy Orbison
C. Gene Autry
D. Rudolph Valentino
F. Mickey Mantle
G. Cassius Clay
3. Pogo, the comic strip character said, 'We have met the enemy and...
A. It's you
B. He is us
C. It's the Grinch
D. He wasn't home
E. He's really me an
F. We quit
G. He surrendered
4 “Good night David.”
A. Good night Chet
B. Sleep well
C. Good night Irene
D. Good night Gracie
E. See you later alligator
F. Until tomorrow
G. Good night Steve
5. You'll wonder where the yellow went...
A. When you use Tide
B. When you lose your crayons
C When you clean your tub
D. If you paint the room blue
E. If you buy a soft water tank
F. When you use Lady Clairol
G. When you brush your teeth with Pepsodent
6. Before he was the Skipper's Little Buddy, Bob Denver was Dobie's friend...
A. Stuart Whitman
B. Randolph Scott
C. Steve Reeves
D. Maynard G. Krebbs
E. Corky B. Dork
F. Dave the Whale
G. Zippy Zoo
7. Liar, liar...
A. You're a liar
B. Your nose is growing
C. Pants on fire
D. Join the choir
E. Jump up higher
F. On the wire
G. I'm telling Mom
8. Meanwhile, back
in Metropolis, Superman fights a never ending battle
For truth, justice and...
B. Lois Lane
C. TV ratings
D. World peace
E. Red tights
F. The American way
G. News headlines
9. Hey kids! What time is it?
A. It's time for
B. It's time to do your homework
C. It's Howdy Doody Time
D. It's Time for Romper Room
E. It's bedtime
F. The Mighty Mouse Hour
G. Scoopy Doo Time
10. Lions and tigers and bears...
B. Oh no
C. Gee whiz
D. I'm scared
E. Oh my
F. Help! Help!
G. Let's run
11. Bob Dylan advised us never to trust anyone...
A. Over 40
B. Wearing a uniform
C. Carrying a briefcase
D. Over 30
E. You don't know
F. Who says, 'Trust me'
G. Who eats tofu
12. NFL quarterback
who appeared in a television commercial wearing
A. Troy Aikman
B. Kenny Stabler
C. Joe Namath
D. Roger Stauback
E. Joe Montana
F. Steve Young
G. John Elway
A. Smear it on
B. You'll smell great
C. Tame that cowlick
D. Grease ball heaven
E. It's a dream
F. We're your team
G. A little dab'll do ya
14. I found my thrill...
A In Blueberry muffins
B. With my man, Bill
C. Down at the mill
D. Over the windowsill
E. With thyme and dill
F. Too late to enjoy
G. On Blueberry Hill
15. Before Robin Williams, Peter Pan was played by...
A. Clark Gable
B. Mary Martin
C. Doris Day
D. Errol Flynn
E. Sally Fields
F. Jim Carey
G. Jay Leno
16. Name the Beatles...
A. John, Steve, George,
B. John, Paul, George, Roscoe
C. John, Paul, Stacey, Ringo
D. Jay, Paul, George, Ringo
E. Lewis, Peter, George, Ringo
F. Jason, Betty, Skipper, Hazel
G. John, Paul, George, Ringo
17. Oh I wonder, wonder, who..
A. Who ate the leftovers?
B. Who did the laundry?
C. Was it you?
D. Who wrote the book of love?
E. Who I am?
F. Passed the test?
G. K nocked on the door?
18. I'm strong to the finish...
A. Cause I eats my
B. Cause I eats me spinach
C. Cause I lift weights
D. Cause I'm the hero
E. And don't you forget it
F. Cause Olive Oyl loves me
G. To outlast Bruto
19. When it's least expected, you're elected, you're the star today..
A. Smile, you're
on Candid Camera
B. Smile, you're on Star Search
C. Smile, you won the lottery
D. Smile, we're watching you
E. Smile, the world sees you
F. Smile, you're a hit
G. Smile, you're on TV
20. What do M & M's do?
A. Make your tummy
B. Melt in your mouth, not in your pocket
C. Make you fat
D. Melt your heart
E. Make you popular
F. Melt in your mouth, not in your hand
G. Come in colors
Below are the correct answers:
1. D - Wonder Bread
2. G - Cassius Clay
3. B - He Is Us
4. A - Good night, Chet
5 G - When you brush your teeth with Pepsodent
6. D - Maynard G. Krebbs
7. C - Pants On Fire
8. F - The American Way
9. C - It's Howdy Doody Time
10. E - Oh My
11. D - Over 30
12. C - Joe Namath
13. G - A little dab'll do ya
14. G - On Blueberry Hill
15. B - Mary Martin
16. G - John, Paul, George, Ringo
17. D - Who wrote the book of Love
18. B - Cause I eats me spinach
19. A - Smile, you're on Candid Camera
20. F - Melt In Your Mouth Not In Your Hand
My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.
We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green.
When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
POLITICALLY CORRECT JOKE
THAT CAN BE ENJOYED BY EVERYONE!!
While walking down the street one day a US politician is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the Golden Gate.
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the man.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the politician.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce ab! out the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit heaven."
So, 24 hours pass with the politician joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."
The politician reflects for a m! inute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers the politician. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"
The devil looks at him,
smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning...Today you voted!!
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited! and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull in to the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
Italian priest organizes beauty contest for nuns
ROME - An Italian priest and theologian said Sunday he is organizing an online beauty pageant for nuns to give them more visibility within the Catholic Church and to fight the stereotype that they are all old and dour. The "Miss Sister 2008" contest will start in September on a blog run by the Rev. Antonio Rungi and will give nuns from around the world a chance to showcase their work and their image. "Nuns are a bit excluded, they are a bit marginalized in ecclesiastical life," Rungi told The Associated Press after Italian media carried reports of the idea. "This will be an occasion to make their contribution more visible."
A lady goes to the bar on
a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of
water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it’s today...'
The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.' As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming up,' says the bartender. As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming right up,' the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?' The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door,
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police
'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fiber today.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.
'OLD' IS WHEN ...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are not sure these are jokes?
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present .
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row .
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this
to my most intimate friend?
Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick'
You lovers of the English language might enjoy this.
There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP.'
It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report ?
We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car . At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.
And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP be cause it is stopped UP . We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.
We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP ! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP , look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. I f you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP , you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP ..
When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP .
When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP .
One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP , for now my time is UP, so........... it is time to shut UP!
.. AND THEN THE FIGHT STARTED...
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station...
And then the fight started....
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'you should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started...
A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids...
"WOW," the social worker exclaims, "are they ALL YOURS???"
"Yep! They're all mine," the flustered woman sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.
She says: "Sit down Leroy."
All the children rush to find seats.
"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names."
"This one's my oldest - he is Leroy."
"OK, and who's next?"
"Well, this one he is Leroy, also."
The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues.
One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy.
Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy!
"All right," says the caseworker. "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Leroy?"
The woman replied, "Well, yes it makes it easier. When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just ye ll 'Leroy!' an' they all come arunnin.
"An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and all of them stop.
It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy.'
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"
"I call them by their last names."
If you put a buzzard in a pen that is 6 feet by 8 feet and is entirely open at the top, the bird, in spite of its ability to fly, will be an absolute prisoner. The reason is that a buzzard always begins a flight from the ground with a run of 10 to 12 feet. Without space to run, as is its habit, it will not even attempt to fly, but will remain a prisoner for life in a small jail with no top.
The ordinary bat that flies around at night, a remarkable nimble creature in the air, cannot take off from a level place. If it is placed on the floor or flat ground, all it can do is shuffle about helplessly and, no doubt, painfully, until it reaches some slight elevation from which it can throw itself into the air. Then, at once, it takes off like a flash.
A bumblebee, if dropped into an open tumbler, will be there until it dies, unless it is taken out. It never sees the means of escape at the top, but persists in trying to find some way out through the sides near the bottom. It will seek a way where none exists, until it completely destroys itself.
In many ways, we are like the buzzard, the bat, and the bumblebee. We struggle about with all our problems and frustrations, never realizing that all we have to do is look up!
Sorrow looks back, Worry looks around, But faith looks up!
Live simply, love generously,
care deeply, speak kindly and trust in our Creator who loves us.
TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED the 1930's, 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's!!
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.
Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.
As infants &children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts or air bags.
Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.
We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank Kool-Aid made with sugar, but we weren't overweight because, WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day.And we were O.K.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no personal computer! s, no Internet or chat rooms.......
WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.
We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not poke out very many eyes.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them! Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!
These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!
The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!
If YOU are one of them CONGRATULATIONS!
You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good.
While you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave (and lucky) their parents were.
Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!
Quote by Jay Leno:
"With hurricanes, tornadoes, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"
have been accused of spousal abuse
have been arrested for fraud
have been accused of writing bad checks
have directly or indirectly
bankrupted at least 2 businesses
have done time for assault
get a credit card due to bad credit
have been arrested on drug-related charges
have been arrested for shoplifting
currently are defendants in lawsuits, and
have been arrested for drunk driving
in the last year
Can you guess which organization
Give up yet? . . Scroll
it's the 435 members of the
United States Congress
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.
After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.
Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole.
Again from the heavens the voice bellowed: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.
The voice came once more: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
She stopped, looked skyward, and asked: "IS THAT YOU LORD?"
The voice replied: "NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK."
First woman on the moon
You have to be old enough
to appreciate this.
If you don't understand this you are tooooooo young.
A little boy asked his father, "How did the human race appear?"
The father answered, "God
made Adam and Eve and they had children and so
was all mankind made.
Two days later the boy asked his mother the same question.
The mother Answered, "Many
years ago there were monkeys from which the human race
The confused boy returned to his father and said, "Dad, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Mommy said they developed from monkeys?"
The Father answered, "Well, son, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your Mommy told you about hers."
Children's Bible in a Nutshell:
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.
Then God made the world. He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.
Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.
of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his
kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and
some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said
they would have to take a rain check.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti.
Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff. Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.
After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed upon the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament.
Jesus is the star of the New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn, too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say --YES!)
During His life , Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.
Anyway's, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.
After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland "
The other guy responds proudly,
"Yes, that I am"
The first guy says, "So am I
And where about from Ireland might you be?"
The other guy answers,
"I'm from Dublin , I am."
The first guy responds,
"Sure and begora, and so am I. And what street did you live on in Dublin ?"
The other guy says,
"A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."
The first guy says,
"Faith & it's a small world, so did I. So did I.
And to what school would you have been going?"
The other guy answers,
"Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."
The first guy gets really excited and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"
The other guy answers,
"Well, now, let's see, I graduated in 1964."
The first guy exclaims,
"The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us!
I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight.
Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."
About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.
Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight"
Vicky asks, "Why do you say that, Brian?"
"The Murphy twins are drunk again."
The California Highway Patrolman pulled a car over and told the driver that because he had been wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in the statewide safety competition.
"What are you going to do with the money?" asked the patrolman.
"Well, I guess I'm going to get a Driver's license," the man answered.
"Oh, don't listen to him," yelled the woman in the passenger seat. "He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
This woke up the guy in the back seat who took one look at the cop and moaned, " I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."
At that moment, there was
a knock from the trunk and a voice, in Spanish, said, "HEY AMIGO, are we
over the border yet?"
# "GRAVITY-IT'S NOT JUST A GOOD IDEA, IT'S THE LAW"
# Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
# Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
# Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
# For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
# Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
# Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
# A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
# I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
# If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
# Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.
# It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
# Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
# Look out for #1. And don't step in #2.
# Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
# Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
# Do witches run spell checkers?
# Copywight 1995 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.
# Dain bramaged.
# Department of Redundancy Department
# Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat!
# What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
Men Are Just Happier People--What
do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop to think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
# Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
# COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key
# Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.
# 2 + 2 == 5 for extremely large values of 2.
# Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
# Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
# My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
# C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL
# C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN
# <-------- The information went data way -------->
# Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" == 100% compression
# The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
# BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
# The name is Baud......, James Baud.
# BUFFERS==20 FILES==15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
# Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!
# C:\> Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
# Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..
# Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"
# As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
# Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
# Backups? We don' *NEED* no steenking backups.
# E Pluribus Modem
# ... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
# Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
# A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
# An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
# CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/n)?
# Does fuzzy logic tickle?
# A computer's attention span is as long as it's power cord.
# 24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?
# Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
# Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
# SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .
# Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk?
# Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
# RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.
# Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...
# All computers wait at the same speed.
# DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors.
# Press <"CTRL">-<"ALT">-<"DEL"> to continue ...
# Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.....
# Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
# ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
# E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.
# Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!!
# All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
# Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
# "640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981
# DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE==FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS
# Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS==OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
# Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
# Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
# Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven.
# Sped up my XT; ran it on 220v! Works greO?_~"
# Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
# Read my chips: No new upgrades!
# Hit any user to continue.
# 2400 Baud makes you want to get out and push!!
# I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control!
# Will the information superhighway have any rest stops?
# Disk Full - Press F1 to belch.
# Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (T)hrowup
# Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic
# (A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network?
# (A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer?
# If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.
# Programmers don't die, they just GOSUB without RETURN.
# Programmer - A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.
# Real programmers don't document. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand."
# "Smith and Wesson. The
inventors of the point and click interface."
Teacher Debbie Moon's first graders were discussing a picture of a family. One little boy in the picture had a different hair color than the other members. One of her students suggested that he was adopted.
A little girl said, "I know all about adoption, I was adopted.."
"What does it mean to be adopted?", asked another child.
"It means", said the girl, "that you grew in your mommy's heart instead of her tummy!"
On my way home one day, I stopped to watch a Little League baseball game that was being played in a park near my home. As I sat down behind the bench on the first-base line, I asked one of the boys what the score was.
"We're behind 14 to nothing," he answered with a smile.
"Really," I said. "I have to say you don't look very discouraged."
"Discouraged?", the boy asked with a puzzled look on his face...
"Why should we be discouraged? We haven't been up to bat yet."
Whenever I'm disappointed with my spot in life, I stop and think about little Jamie Scott.
Jamie was trying out for a part in the school play. His mother told me that he'd set his heart on being in it, though she feared he would not be chosen.
On the day the parts were awarded, I went with her to collect him after school. Jamie rushed up to her, eyes shining with pride and excitement.
"Guess what, Mom," he shouted, and then said those words that will remain a lesson to me....."I've been chosen to clap and cheer."
An eye witness account from New York City, on a cold day in December, some years ago: A little boy, about 10-years-old, was standing before a shoe store on the roadway, barefooted, peering through the window, and shivering with cold.
A lady approached the young boy and said, "My, but you're in such deep thought staring in that window!"
"I was asking God to give me a pair of shoes," was the boy's reply.
The lady took him by the hand, went into the store, and asked the lerk to get half a dozen pairs of socks for the boy. She then asked if he could give her a basin of water and a towel. He quickly brought them to her.
She took the little fellow to the back part of the store and, removing her gloves, knelt down, washed his little feet, and dried them with the towel.
By this time, the clerk had returned with the socks. Placing a pair upon the boy's feet, she purchased him a pair of shoes.
She tied up the remaining pairs of socks and gave them to him.. She patted him on the head and said, "No doubt, you will be more comfortable now."
As she turned to go, the astonishd kid caught her by the hand, and looking up into her face, with tears in his eyes, asked her: "Are you God's Wife?"
You must determine which switch on a three switch panel on the first floor controls a light on the third floor of the building. The problem is you can only make one trip up the stairs to the light. How can you with certainty determine which switch operates the light? The other two switches are not connected to anything and there is no way to see any light from the third floor without going up stairs. You have no tools and you can not take the switch cover off.
Scroll down for answer
ANSWER: You turn on the middle switch and the right-hand switch, and wait 10 minutes. Turn the middle one off and run up the stairs. If the lightbulb is off and cold it is the left-hand switch. If the bulb is off and hot it is the middle switch. If the bulb is on it is the right-hand switch.
"Maybe I should be reading more," mused Marianist Brother Francis Deibel.
The 99-year-old brother may have a point. Each day he spends up to four hours at his computer exchanging e-mails with more than 100 contacts.
"Lately I've been getting too many e-mails," added Brother Deibel, who thinks too many older people are afraid of technology and computers. "I try to open and read all of them, but sometimes they are too numerous."
He begins his computer time by forwarding readings about the saint of the day. "I send this information to all my Marianist contacts," he said. He then spends hours answering personal e-mails and deleting junk e-mails.
Brother Deibel has been a Marianist since 1926 -- one year before the first "talkie" feature film.
"I began using a computer when it was just a bunch of wires put together," he said. He refined his skills in classes at the University of Dayton, where he worked for 48 years as a librarian. He also credits 86-year-old Marianist Brother Bill Callahan, whom Brother Deibel calls his "young" friend, with teaching him additional skills.
Brother Deibel started e-mailing in 1990 and he says he has used his computer daily ever since. His e-mail address book has four groups: Marianists, relatives, "something else," and "all." The size of his groups are growing, too.
"When I learn of a new e-mail address for someone I know, I'll add it to my list, if it is OK with that person. It doesn't cost extra to add them, so I go ahead and do it," he said.
Brother Deibel said it's possible for all of his fellow senior citizens to pick up the technological tricks of the trade.
"I would encourage old people
not to be afraid of the computer," he said. "Too many old people are, but
there is nothing to be afraid of. It's just like a typewriter. It won't
talk back at you! Learn how to use it. Don't lose time watching TV. Using
the computer is much more personal and enjoyable."
Tax his land,
Tax his wage,
Tax his bed in which he lays.
Tax his tractor,
Tax his mule,
Teach him taxes are the rule.
Tax his cow,
Tax his goat,
Tax his pants,
Tax his coat.
Tax his ties,
Tax his shirts,
Tax his work,
Tax his dirt.
Tax his tobacco,
Tax his drink,
Tax him if he tries to think.
Tax his booze,
Tax his beers,
If he cries,
Tax his tears.
Tax his bills,
Tax his gas,
Tax his notes,
Tax his cash.
Tax him good and let him
That after taxes, he has no dough.
If he hollers,
Tax him more,
Tax him until he's good and sore.
Tax his coffin,
Tax his grave,
Tax the sod in which he lays.
Put these words upon his tomb,
"Taxes drove me to my doom!"
And when he's gone,
We won't relax,
We'll still be after the inheritance TAX!!
Accounts Receivable Tax
Building Permit Tax
CDL License Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Dog License Tax
Federal Income Tax
Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel Perm it Tax
Hunting License Tax
IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax),
IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax),
Marriage License Tax,
Real Estate Tax,
Service charge taxes,
Social Security Tax,
Road Usage Tax (Truckers),
Recreational Vehicle Tax,
State Income Tax,
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA),
Telephone Federal Excise Tax,
Telephone Federal Universal Service Fe e Tax,
Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Tax,
Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax,
Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax,
Telephone State and Local Tax,
Telephone Usage Charge Tax,
Vehicle License Registration Tax,
Vehicle Sales Tax,
Watercraft Registration Tax,
Well Permit Tax,
Workers Compensation Tax.
STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?
Not one of these taxes existed
100 years ago,
and our nation was the most prosperous in the world.
We had absolutely no national debt,
had the largest middle class in the world,
and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.
(Is the rumor true?
The Jews really invaded the U.S. Government
to put us Goyim in Tax Hell.)
Q: Where can women over the age of 60 find younger, sexy men who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction.
What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.
How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
How can you avoid spotting wrinkles every time you walk by a mirror?
A: Take off your glasses.
Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.
As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon. [True-True-True!]
Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.
What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique
A: "Gosh, I remember these."
LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.
LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.
LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.
LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?
LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.
LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.
LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (see Law three)
LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."
LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.
LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.
LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset of the same day.
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington ? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls.
But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.
2. The Constitution
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq . Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.
3. The 10 Commandments
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this:
You cannot post:
"Thou Shalt Not Steal,"
"Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,"
"Thou Shall Not Lie"
in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians...
It creates a hostile work environment!
One fine day, Joe and Bob are out golfing. Joe slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball.
The brush is quite thick, but Joe searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.
Joe calls out to his golfing partner in an agitated voice, "Hey Bob, come here, I got trouble down here."
Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out, "What's the matter Joe?"
Joe shouts back, "Throw me my 7-iron! You can't get out of here with an 8-iron."
(N.B. Be sure to write down your answers before you scroll down to the answer section below.)
1. There is one word in the English language that is always pronounced incorrectly. What is it?
2. A man gave one son 10 cents and another son was given 15 cents. What time is it?
3. A boat has a ladder that has six rungs, each rung is one foot apart. The bottom rung is one foot from the water. The tide rises at 12 inches every 15 minutes. High tide peaks in one hour. When the tide is at it's highest, how many rungs are under water?
4. There is a house with four walls. Each wall faces south. There is a window in each wall. A bear walks by one of the windows. What color is the bear?
5. Is half of two plus two equal to two or three?
6. There is a room. The shutters are blowing in. There is broken glass on the floor. There is water on the floor. You find Sloppy dead on the floor. How did sloppy die?
7. How much dirt would be in a hole 6 feet deep and 6 feet wide that has been dug with a square edged shovel?
8. If I were in Hawaii and dropped a bowling ball in a bucket of water which is 45 degrees F, and dropped another ball of the same weight, mass, and size in a bucket at 30 degrees F at the same time, which ball would hit the bottom of the bucket first? Same question, but the location is in Canada?
9. What is the significance of the following: The year is 1978, thirty-four minutes past noon on May 6th.
10. What can go up a chimney down, but can't go down a chimney up?
11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in the center field?
12. What is it that goes up and goes down but does not move?
13. Paul is 20 years old in 1980, but only 15 years old in 1985. How is this possible?
14. What has four legs but only one foot?
15. How many of each animal did Moses take on the ark?
16. Kindly old Grandfather
Is twice as old as his son
Twenty-five years ago
Their age ratio
Strange enough was three to one
When does Grandfather celebrate his centenary?
17. Said a certain young
lady named Gwen
Of her tally of smitten young men
"one less and three more
Divided by four
Together give one more than ten"
How many boyfriends had she?
18. There was a young fellow
Whose bees number ten power five
The daughters to each son
Were as nineteen to one,
A truly remarkable hive.
How many sons (drones) were in the hive?
19. A team's opening batter
Squared his number of hits, the big hero!
After subtracting his score
He took off ten and two more
And the final result was a "zero".
How many hits did Nero make?
20. Some freshman from Trinity
Played hockey with a wonderful ball;
Two times its weight
Plus weight squared, minus eight,
Gave "nothing" in ounces at all.
What was the weight of the ball?
21. The Bar Z ranch was a dude ranch. One day a new "dude" asked one of the stable hands how many men were tending the horses in the corral. Having a mischievous sense of humor, he replied, "I saw eighty-two feet and twenty-six heads". He then walked away, leaving the dude scratching his head trying to figure it out. How many men were tending the horses?
22. One morning as Paul was getting his newspaper, he noticed on his new house something that needed to be fixed. Heading over to the hardware store, he spoke to the manager, describing his problem. The manager said, "I know just what you need". He led Paul down some aisles and stopped in front of some bins. Digging down into some of the bins, he set something up on the shelf. "I saw your house when it was built", the manager said.
Here's all that you'll need
and how much it'll cost...
five will be 15 cents while fifty will be 30 cents,
250 will be 45 cents, while 2507 will only cost you 60 cents.
One lady, about 20 blocks from your house, bought 30247 and only paid 75 cents!
These are black, but they also come in gold and silver.
What was the manager selling?
23. If it takes 3 people to dig a hole, how many does it take to dig half a hole?
24. What is the beginning of eternity. The end of time and space. The beginning of every end. And the end of every place.
25. Read this sentence:
Finished files are the result of years of scientific study combined with the experience of years.
Now count aloud the F's in that sentence. Count them ONLY ONCE; do not go back and count them again.
# 1. Incorrectly.
# 2. 1:45. The man gave away a total of 25 cents. He divided it between two people. Therefore, he gave a quarter to two.
# 3. None, the boat rises with the tide. Duh.
# 4. White. If all the walls face south, the house is at the north pole, and the bear, therefore, is a polar bear.
# 5. Three. Well, it seems that it could almost be either, but if you follow the mathematical orders of operation, division is performed before addition. So... half of two is one. Then add two, and the answer is three.
# 6. Sloppy is a goldfish. The wind blew the shutters in, which knocked his goldfish-bowl off the table, and it broke, killing him.
# 7. None. No matter how big a hole is, it's still a hole: the absence of dirt. (And those of you who said 36 cubic feet are wrong for another reason, too. You would have needed the length measurement too. So you don't even know how much air is in the hole.)
# 8. Both questions, same answer: the ball in the bucket of 45 degree F water hits the bottom of the bucket last. Did you think that the water in the 30 degree F bucket is frozen? Think again. The question said nothing about that bucket having anything in it. Therefore, there is no water (or ice) to slow the ball down...
# 9. The time and month/date/year are 12:34, 5/6/78.
# 10. An umbrella.
# 11. One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big stack.
# 12. The temperature.
# 13. The years are in B.C., not A.D. as you probably assumed. Based on the system we use to number the years, the years counted down in B.C. (but they weren't counting backwards back then).
# 14. A bed.
# 15. None. Moses didn't take animals on the ark. Noah did.
# 16. This year. He is 100, and his son is 50.
# 17. Gwen had forty-two boyfriends. 42-1=41. 41+3=44. 44/4=11. 11-1=10.
# 18. Five Thousand. Ten power five = 100,000. Divide that out (it was a 19:1 ratio) and you get a ratio of 95,000:5,000 (daughters:sons).
# 19. Four. If you square it, you get 16. Subtract his number of hits and you get 12. Subtract 10 and then 2 more and you get 0.
# 20. Two ounces. (Beach ball, or ping-pong ball?) 2x2=4. 4+2^2=8. 8-8=0.
# 21. Eleven men (and 15 horses). 11 (men) x 2 (feet per man)=22, 15 (horses) x 4 (feet per horse)=60, and 22 (men's feet) + 60 (horse's feet) = 82 feet. Also, 11 (men) + 15 (horses) = 26 (total heads).
# 22. House numbers. Each digit costs 15 cents.
# 23. It's impossible to dig a half of a hole. Either you have a hole, or you don't.
# 24. The letter E.
# 25. There are six F's in the sentence. One of average intelligence finds three of them. if you spotted four, you're above average. if you got five, you can turn your nose at most anybody. if you found all six, you are a genius. There is no catch. Many people forget the "OF"s. The human brain tends to see them as "V's" instead of "F's".
* "Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."
* "Cover me. I'm changing lanes."
* "Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."
* "Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep"
* "I want to die in my sleep
like my grandfather....
...Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...."
* "Montana --- At least our cows are sane!"
* "The gene pool could use a little chlorine."
* "I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."
* "Don't blame me, I'm from Uranus."
* "Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!"
* "Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak."
* "Why is it that I was pregnant for nine months, in labor for two days, breast fed for six months, and all my kid can say is Da-Da?"
* "I check my bumper, but I still can't figure out how it attracts tailgaters."
* "No, man and woman were NOT created equally. Give him time, He'll eventually evolve."
* "My wife said she had her hair teased. To me it looked like it was insulted."
* "It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you."
* "Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips."
* "Friends don't let Friends drive Naked."
* "Wink, I'll do the rest!"
* "I took an IQ test and the results were negative."
* "When there's a will, I want to be in it!"
* "Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?"
* "Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!"
* "It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."
* "Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!"
* "Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!"
* "Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear."
* "I brake for no apparent reason."
* "Give me ambiguity or give me something else."
* "We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse."
* "Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."
* "He who laughs last thinks slowest."
* "Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."
* "Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math."
* "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
* "Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be having fun."
* "Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."
* "We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated."
* "Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."
* "3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't."
* "Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?"
* "Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"
* "I'm not as think as you drunk I am."
Rule 1. Safety
This subject is usually over-emphasized. No player should feel inhibited about playing his or her ball into other players ahead of him or her on the course. However, after the ball has landed, it is common courtesy to call "Fore" or "Five" or whatever comes to mind. "Look Out!" is quite acceptable. "Sorry" is also authorized but not necessarily recommended.
Rule 2. Consideration for Other Players
When a player is addressing the ball or making a stroke, the general atmosphere of camaraderie is enhanced when other players stand close behind and talk to each other, make disparaging remarks concerning that players ability.
When on the green, with other players waiting, BGA members should display a casual air by throwing down three or four extra balls and slowly putt all of them into the cup. Golf is not a game to be hurried. Therefore, never allow another group to play through.
Rule 3. Care of the Course
Holes in sand bunkers should be stomped flat (if the player is wearing street shoes) or smeared around this way and that (if the player is wearing hiking or other treaded boots). Bare feet should not be used, as this leaves unsightly prints in the sand. A rake should never be used. Rakes are for grass and leaves, not sand.
Golf carts will not harm the green if driven slowly. It should be possible to maneuver a cart to within a foot of the hole without leaving any traces in the turf. Remember, a golf course is built to be user-friendly.
Courtesy, of course, demands that golf carts be moved from the so-called line of putt when another golfer is about to putt.
When playing alone and when a flag must be removed from the hole for a successful shot, the hole position can still be ascertained by removing the flag and spiking it into the green a foot or so behind the hole. No permanent damage to the green should result.
Divots only need be replaced if it is apparent that one is being observed by other (possibly hostile) players or (possibly hostile) greens keepers.
Rule 4. Addressing the Ball
There are many ways to address the ball. Two of the most popular of these are, "You (Adjective) (Noun)!" and "(Verb) You!" Both should be delivered loudly. Members may use their imaginations where supplying the requisite nouns, adjectives, and verbs. Although there are no penalties for originality, it is strongly recommended that members address the ball ala' Ed Nortan (played by actor Art Carney) on a famous episode on the Hooneymooners: "Hello Ball!!!" You may then hit the ball.
Rule 5. Advice
Advice is any counsel or suggestion which could influence a player in determining his play, the choice of club, or method of making a stroke. Most often used are the following (issued as loudly as possible):
a. "Hit the ball!"
b. "Not a five-iron!"
c. "Just hit the ball!"
d. "Pick it up!"
e. "Leave your driver in the bag!"
f. "Your sandwedge, NOT your putter!"
This advice is usually free, unless the player is visiting a professional which is (a) expensive and (b) not permitted by the USBGA.
Rule 6. Casual Water:
Casual water is any temporary accumulation of water on a course which is visible before or after a player takes his stance. Such stance should be feet apart and braced, the player facing a hedge or tree.
Rule 7. Ball in Play
A ball is "in play" only when it is moving unless a player is sure he has not been observed inadvertently making a bad hit. The ball can be given a good lie, in such a circumstance, by adjusting with the foot.
Rule 8. Caddie
In order that certain adjustments (like the one described previously) may be made unobserved, caddies are to be avoided at all costs.
a.. Unnecessary in these
days of golf carts.
b. Intrusive upon a player's methods.
c. Obnoxious in finding balls "out of bounds" or with "unplayable lies".
The BGA discourages their use.
Rule 9. Ground Under Repair
Generally to be played as Ground Not Under Repair
Rule 10. Honors
Most usually describes the side entitled to play first from the teeing ground. BGA members need not pay attention.
Rule 11. Loose Impediments
Large dogs or cattle. Also loose twigs, large trees or anything obscuring the hole from your line of sight. A chain saw in the golf bag can handle most problem objects.
Rule 12, Lost Ball
A ball is "lost" if:
a. You have decided the terrain does not warrant messing with it. If the ball is actually found in such terrain it can be quietly booted into the next county and another put down without penalty in more hospitable surroundings.
b. The ball is actually lost, in which case the same solution applies.
A ball which falls into a temporary or portable toilet shall be deemed irretrievably lost. A new ball may be dropped twelve toilet lengths closer to the pin, without penalty.
A ball shall be deemed "lost" if it is not found or identified within five minutes after a search for the ball has begun. It is sometimes profitable for a player to assist another player in the search for his or her ball. If the assisting player should find the ball first, that player may find it possible to pocket the ball without attracting undue attention, and continue the search until the five minute time expires.
The first player will then have to put down another ball for a one-stroke penalty and play can resume.
If a ball in flight leaves the golf course and, upon landing, strikes a vehicle or person in a public area or thoroughfare, the ball can be deemed lost, and play should be shifted immediately, without penalty, to an area as far as possible from the spot where the ball was hit. Thus, needless complications and confrontations can be avoided. Unpleasantries can ruin concentration.
If however, through inattention or slowness, the player becomes embroiled in such a situation, the BGA advises that the member should provide "the offended party" a name, address, and phone number which matches that on a business card obtained from a casual acquaintance. Such a set of cards should be acquired from various sources and carried at all times. Then at the completion of the exchange, the appropriate card can be presented to "the offended party" with the polite declaration, "My card."
The BGA believes that litigation has no place in the game of golf. Any maneuver employed to protect the reputation of the game and its adherents is to be applauded.
Rule 13: Found Ball
A "found ball" in an attractive lie is yours if properly identified. When asked by the finder, "What were you hitting?" a BGA member should respond, "What did you find?" When answered, the BGA member should reply, "Yep, that's mine!"
Rule 14. Ball Unplayable
The player is the sole judge of whether his or her ball is unplayable and may declare the ball unplayable at any place on the course. He or she may then play a ball from a position as near as possible to the spot from which the original ball was played without penalty. "As near as possible" will depend upon who is observing the player. If unobserved, "as near as possible" may be interpreted as meaning anything the player wishes it to mean.
Rule 15. Obstructions
Any artificial object which interferes with your play. Play around without penalty.
Rule 16. Out of Bounds
There is no Out of Bounds.
Rule 17. Partner
The player a player plays with. Such partners should be chosen carefully to avoid penalty strokes.
Rule 18. Penalty Strokes
These are added to your score if your partner is a jerk.
Rule 19: PAR
Par is the score a so-called "expert" golfer would be expected to make for a given hole. Par means errorless play, without flukes, under ordinary weather conditions, allowing for two strokes on the putting green. The BGA rejects this as an elitist definition which may force BGA members to attempt emulation of ego-driven over-achievers with whom they would never normally or willingly associate.
Therefore... Par, the BGA defines, as being whatever you say it is. To quote the noted golfing writer and authority, Dan Jenkins, "Who's going to enforce it? The par police?"
Rule 20. Putting Green
A ball on the putting green may be lifted and cleaned and then placed back within a handspan closer to the hole, if nobody is observing.
Before putting, a player may test the surface for slope and speed by rolling a ball across the green towards another player with the inquiry "Is this yours?" When the ball has been returned, acknowledge your mistake and continue with the game.
As with the drive, other players may offer encouragement to the putting player with loud talk about things of a superficial nature.
When the ball has ceased rolling and is balanced on the edge of the hole, the correct maneuver is to feign disgust and jump up and down heavily in apparent rage. Usually this will successfully complete the putt.
The flag stick may be removed while putting and placed on the green nearby. It is a thoughtful gesture to leave it in that position on departing the green so that the next group will not have to remove it themselves.
Rule 21. Water Hazard
Also called a ball magnet. Scientific tests by the BGA laboratories show conclusively that large bodies of water, or indeed, even moderate-sized pools and ditches containing water, can exert an arresting influence on a ball in flight, causing the ball to be drawn into the water itself. Other than establishing that such attraction exists, researchers remain unable to isolate or identify the force involved. The BGA, therefore, recommends that while such confusion exists, all players who lose balls in this manner may resume play with a provisional ball, on the other side of the water hazard, without penalty.
# The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
# If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
# Money can't buy happiness... but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
# Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're ok...
# Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
# A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
# It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in laboratory rats.
# It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
# The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
# Paranoids are people too. They have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
# Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
# Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will NOT be evenly distributed.
# The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
# If you are given on open-book exam, you will forget your book.
# COROLLARY: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.
# Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor.
# A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to Hell and make you feel happy to be on your way.
# Supplement: A .44 Magnum beats four aces.
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists themselves have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.
Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate. " The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
The Swiss, as always, have
taken the phone off the hook.
Please write down the answer to each question before you check out the interpretations below.
1. If your boat sank and then you swim to a life boat and climb in, how many people are in there with you?
2. Then you row to shore and have to cross a desert, how many pairs of shoes do you use?
3. In the distance you see a city, but to the side you pass an oasis. Do you stop and rest for as long as you want, rest for just a minute, or ignore it and keep going towards to the city?
4. You get to the city and there's a castle, at the edge of a long corridor you see a king (or a queen) on the throne. What does he look like?
5. You go down this spiral stairway and it's dark, the walls are lit intermittently with torches. As you're walking down the stairway a knight (or a lady) from the court passes you by. You only catch a glimpse of his face. Who was he/she? Someone you know?
6. Then you get to a banquet room and you see this long table and in the middle of the table is a gold goblet. You look inside. How full of wine is it?
Interpretations To Your Answers
1. That's how many true friends you have.
2. That's how many true loves you'll have before getting married.
3. This shows your work ethic.
4. What you imagine your ideal mate to look like.
5. This is the person you'll never get over for the rest of your life.
6. How full it is represents
how much of yourself you give in a relationship.
When Bob found out that he was going to inherit a fortune when his Widower Father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.
A few evenings later, Bob went to a singles club where he spotted the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like an ordinary man," he said as he struck up a conversation with her, "but in a few weeks, my Father's going to die and I'll inherit $20-million."
Impressed, the woman settled in for a pleasant evening at the club and later went home with him.
Three days later, she became Bob's Stepmother. Women are so much smarter than men.
1. How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2. Which country makes Panama hats?
3. From which animal do we get catgut?
4. In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5. What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6. The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7. What was King George VI's first name?
8. What color is a purple finch?
9. What country do Chinese gooseberries come from?
10. How long did the Thirty Years War last?
11. What color is the black box found in airplanes?
Answers To The Quiz
1. 116 years, from 1337 to 1453.
3. From sheep and horses.
4. November. The Russian calendar was 13 days behind ours.
5. Squirrel fur.
6. The Latin name was Insularia Canaria - Island of the Dogs.
7. Albert. When he came to the throne in 1936 he respected the wish of Queen Victoria that no future king should ever be called Albert.
8. Distinctively crimson.
9. New Zealand.
10. Thirty years, of course. From 1618 to 1648.
11. The black box is orange
For all you wine lovers out there, this is noteworthy!
WalMart announced that, sometime in 2008, it will begin offering customers a new discount item -- WalMart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of California to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2-$5 range.
Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to place a bottle of WalMart brand into their shopping carts but "there is a market for inexpensive wine," said Kathy Micken professor of marketing at University of Bentonville, Arkansas, "But the right name is important."
Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the WalMart wine brand.
The top surveyed names in order of popularity were:
10. Chateau Traileur Parc
9. White Trashfindel
8. Big Red Gulp
7. World Championship Riesling
5. Chef Boyardeaux
4. Peanut Noir
3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar
2. Grape Expectations
1. Nasti Spumante
The beauty of WalMart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).
P.S. Don't bother writing
back that this is a hoax. I know possum is not a white meat.
Forget Rednecks!!!!!! ..Here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about New Englanders!
1. If you can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you live in New England.
2. If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you live in New England.
3. If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 36 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping it will swim by, you might live in New England.
4. If you're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each year because Mt. Washington is the coldest spot in the nation, and Boston gets more snow than any other major city in the US, you live in New England.
5. If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you live in New England.
6. If you instinctively walk like a penguin for six months out of the year, you live in New England.
7. If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance, and they don't work there, you live in New England.
8. If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you live in New England.
9. And, you know you are a New Englander when "Vacation" means going anywhere south of New York City for the weekend.
10. You measure distance in hours.
11. You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.
12. You have switched from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again.
13. You install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked.
14. You carry jumpers in your car and your girlfriend/wife knows how to use them.
15. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
16. The speed limit on the highway is 55mph -- you're going 80 and everybody is passing you!
17. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
18. You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road construction.
19. Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.
20. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
21. You find 10 degrees "a little chilly."
22. You actually understand
these jokes, and forward them to all your New England friends!
service: It's the act of doing things for other people.
I then heard these terms which reference the word "service"
Internal Revenue "Service"
U.S. Postal "Service"
City & County Public "Service"
And "Service" Stations
Then I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant.
So today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to "service" a few of his cows.
BAM!!! ... It all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us.
I hope you now are as enlightened as I am.
It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1965.
1. Causes you to send the
same E-Mail twice. - Done that!
2. Causes you to send a blank E-Mail. - That too!
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person. - Yep!
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. - Who me?
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. - Well fooey!
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished. - Oh no - not again!
7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND". - I just hate that!
8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE". - Oh No!
IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS".
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow-down in overall system performance - particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0..
In addition, installation of Husband 1.0 seems to have uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6..5, and then installed such other undesirable programs as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0. and Golf Clubs 4.1.Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
First keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System..
Please enter the command: 'http: I Thought You Loved Me.htm' and try to download Tears 6.2, and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will automatically download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background which will eventually seize control of all your system resources).
Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. This is an unsupported application and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.1.
Serving as a Marine recruiter in western North Carolina, I found a young man who met all the requirements and was ready to enlist. I explained the importance of being truthful on the application and he began filling out his paper work.
But when he got to the question: "Do you own any foreign property or have any foreign financial interests?" he looked up at me with a worried expression.
"Well," he confessed, "I
do own a Toyota."
A WOMAN was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. The flight attendant had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight.
He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, "Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" The blind lady replied, "No thanks, but maybe Buddy would like to stretch his legs."
All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog!
The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!
True story... Have a great day and remember...
THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS
A DAY WITHOUT LAUGHTER IS A DAY WASTED!!!
In the year 2008 A.D., the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, “Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans.”
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, “You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.”
Then 6 months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.
“Noah!” He roared, “I”m about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?”
“Forgive me, Lord,” begged Noah, “but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I’ve been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I’ve violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.
Then, the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark’s move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem. There’s a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!
When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
Then, the EPA ruled that I couldn’t build the Ark until they’d conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I’m still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I’m supposed to hire for my building crew.
Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work.
The trades unions say I can’t use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.
To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I’m trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.”
Suddenly, the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, “You mean you’re not going to destroy the world?”
“No,” said the Lord. “The
government beat me to it.”
ENVIRONMENTALISTS PLAN TO REINTRODUCE
SABER-TOOTH TIGERS INTO MONTANA WILDERNESS
HELENA - The environmental group known as "Atonement" today announced that they have successfully cloned the DNA of several Saber-Tooth Tigers and plan to release the ancient predator back into its natural habitat. When BNN asked Atonement spokesman Heathcliff Prey why they would do such a thing, Prey answered , "It is human interference that lead to the extinction of the Saber-Tooth Tiger nearly 10,000 years ago. Therefore, it is our responsibility to correct this sin against Mother Earth by using cloning technology to bring extinct animals back to life and reintroduce them into the lands that were once theirs."
Outraged by today's announcement, Montana ranchers have threatened to kill any Saber-Tooth Tigers that wander onto their property. The Federal Government, however, is already warning the ranchers that Saber-Tooth Tigers are protected under the Endangered Species Act. This prompted one rancher to ask, "How can the Saber-Tooth Tiger be an endangered species? They've been gone for 10,000 years!"
No one knows what impact the Saber-Tooths will have on the Montana Eco-System, but naturalists around the world are excited by the possibility of studying Saber-Tooths in the wild.
When asked what Atonement was planning for an encore, Prey said, "We are trying to prove that humans were responsible for the extinction of the dinosaurs. As soon as we do, we plan to reintroduce the T-Rex back into its natural habitats."
Safety is a major concern at the manufacturing company where I work. So I'm constantly preaching caution to the workers I supervise.
"Does anyone know," I asked a few guys, "what the speed limit is in our parking lot?"
The long silence that followed was interrupted when one of them piped up: "That depends. Do you mean coming to work or leaving?"
"I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor."
"I'll sleep on it," said Bubba.
Six months later the doctor met Bubba on the street.
"Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?" asked the psychiatrist.
"Well Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!"
"Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now !!!"
Git 'er dun!!!!!!!!!
(No disrespect intended to either Marines or Sailors)
An old Marine and an old Sailor were sitting at the VFW arguing about who'd had the tougher career.
"I did 30 years in the Corps," the Marine declared proudly, "and fought in three of my country's wars. Fresh out of boot camp, I hit the beach at Okinawa, clawed my way up the blood-soaked sand, and eventually took out an entire enemy machine gun nest with a single grenade.
"As a sergeant, I fought in Korea. We pushed back the enemy inch by bloody inch all the way up to the Chinese border, always under a barrage of artillery and small arms fire.
"Finally, as a gunny sergeant, I did three consecutive combat tours in Vietnam. We humped through the mud and razorgrass for 14 hours a day, plagued by rain and mosquitoes, ducking under sniper fire all day and mortar fire all night. In a firefight, we'd fire until our arms ached and our guns were empty, then we'd charge the enemy with bayonets!"
"Ah," said the Sailor with a dismissive wave of his hand, "all shore duty, huh?"
A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened the bottle. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, "I am so grateful to get out of that bottle that I will grant you any wish, but I can only grant one."
The man thought for a while and finally said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii. I've never been able to go because I cannot fly. Airplanes are much too frightening for me. On a boat, I see all that water and I become very claustrophobic. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii.
The genie thought for a few minutes and finally said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved. Consider all the piling needed to hold up a highway and how deep they would have to go to reach the bottom of the ocean. Imagine all the pavement needed. No, that is just too much to ask."
The man thought for a few minutes and then told the genie, "There is one other thing I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with, when they want attention, when they don't. Basically, what makes them tick."
The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two lanes or four?"
Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Dear," said the mother diplomatically, "he doesn't seem very nice."
"Oh please, Mom," replied the daughter, "if he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"
A man dies and finds himself standing third in line at the Pearly Gates.
The Angel explains that admission requirements are now a bit more strict, as a few slum landlords and con artists have managed to slip into Heaven without being detected.
He queries the first candidate:"What was your annual salary, and what was your profession? "I made $150,000 as an Attorney" comes the reply. "You may enter" says the Angel.
Second candidate, same question. "I made $95,000, I was a realtor." He is also permitted to enter. Now it is the third man's turn.
"My annual salary was $8,000."
"Cool!" replies the Angel, "and what instrument did you play?"
On a recent evening my family sat in a darkened theater waiting to see the first of the latest double-feature movie.
As the screen lit up with a flashy ad for the theater's concession stand, we noticed the sound was missing. The unexpected silence continued for several moments.
Then out of the darkness,
an irritated voice in the crowd demanded, "Okay, who's got the remote?"
Father John, well known for his long sermons, noticed a man got up and left during the middle of his sermon. The man returned just before the conclusion of the sermon.
Afterwards, Father John asked the man where he had gone.
"I went to get a haircut, Father" was the reply.
"But," said Father John, "why didn't you do that yesterday?"
"Because," the gentleman
said, "I didn't need one then."
A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 22 grandchildren.
When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the Wife replied: "Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids."
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