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Humor - On the Laugh Side

Humor - On the Laugh Side
A joyful mind maketh age flourishing:
A sorrowful spirit drieth up the bones.
Proverbs 17:22





HELP!!
ALL the clean jokes, puns, wit, etc. have been used up!
Please send your "Clean" jokes only, humor, witticisms, etc. so this section has ONLY humor, then click the link below and send them to:

 Clean Humor 

A Special "Thank You" to S.P. and to C.N. for the Same Submission!


Give me a sense of humor, Lord.
Give me the ability to understand a clean joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And to pass it on to other folk.



Laughter

A Special "Thank You" to T.T for this Submission!


“Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves.
They shall never cease to be greatly amused.”


A DAY WITHOUT LAUGHTER
IS A DAY WASTED!!!

A Special "Thank You" to C.N.for this Submission!


THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR.
A DAY WITHOUT LAUGHTER IS A DAY WASTED!!!


DON'T STOP LAUGHING!!!

A Special "Thank You" to C.N.for this Submission!



 

You don't stop laughing because you grow old
You grow old because you stop laughing!!!


Humor - On theLaughSide


 
 
 


 
 
 


 
 


 
 
 


 


 
 


 
 
 


 
 


 
 


 
 


 
 


 
 


 


 


 
 


 
 

A Doctor's Advice????

Mule

Gentle Thoughts....

At the Speed of a .......

Joke Du Jour

Jose

No Excuses!

Some Famous Last Words

EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS

WALKING ON WATER

A Blonde and A Puzzle

The Motorist

The Class

A Million Dollars

Have a Headache?

A Thief

exercise suggested for seniors to build muscle

Odds 'n Ends

Pre 4-letter words

The Annual Senior Citizen Test

Little John's story..............

It happened....

The Sleepy Blonde

The Pope

For Catholics Only

New Wives

"We Didn’t Know!"

Two Wornout Banknotes

Morality - The Final Exam

Musical Churches

The Back Yard Garden

A Monkey

Dear Lord...

A SENIOR MOMENT

A police recruit

Holy E-Mails!!

Ten Commandments

Misplaced Faith!

The Final Word!!!

Payday

How's your math?

32 Things You Can Do with Beer

COLONBOSSCOPY

Got the right sign?

Two Polish hunters

Living the OLD Law TODAY!!!

DOA Choices

Jest a' Walkin Down Da Street

DEEP THOUGHTS BY MEN WHILE FISHING

Pie a'la Box

The ol's Have IT

Animal Humor

A Blonde Meets Saint Peter

Misc.

A Couch Potato

The Blonde

Blonde On A Diet

Actual entries from hospital patient charts

Voice Mail

True or False?

Bad puns


A Doctor's Advice???? 

A Special "Thank You" to C.N. for this Submission!


You’ll love this Doctor’s advice

Q: Doctor,  I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life.  Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...  don't waste them on exercise.  Everything wears out eventually.  Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer;  that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster.  Want to live longer?  Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You  must grasp logistical efficiencies.  What does a cow eat?  Hay and corn.   And what are these?  Vegetables.  So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.   Need grain? Eat chicken.  Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).   And a pork chop can  give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of  the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry.  My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q:  Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q:  Is chocolate bad for me?
A:  Are you crazy? HELLO!  Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q:  Is swimming good for your figure?
A:  If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q:  Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A:  Hey!  "Round" is a shape!
 


Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions
you may have had about food, diets, and exercise.


Mule 

A Special "Thank You" to S.P. for this Submission!

A couple from Montana were out riding on the range, he with his rifle and she (fortunately) with her camera. Their dogs always followed them, but on this occasion a mountain lion decided that he wanted to stalk the dogs (you'll see the dogs in the background watching). Very, very bad decision...The hunter got off the mule with his rifle and decided to shoot in the air to scare away the lion, but before he could get off a shot, the lion charged in and decided he wanted a piece of those dogs. With that, the mule took off and decided he wanted a piece of that lion. That's when all hell broke loose.

As the lion approached the dogs the mule snatched him up by the tail and started whirling him around, banging its head on the ground on every pass.

He dropped him, stomped on him and held him to the ground by the throat. The mule got down on his knees and bit the thing all over a couple of dozen times to make sure it was dead, whipped it into the air again, then walked back over to the couple (that were stunned in silence) and stood there ready to continue his ride...as if nothing had just happened.

Fortunately, even though the hunter didn't get off a shot, his wife got off these 4.





Gentle Thoughts....

A Special "Thank You" to C.N. for this Submission!

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are "XL."

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it.  For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs."
 



At the Speed of a .......

A Special "Thank You" to G.B. for this Submission!


I told a joke this morning.  It made the rounds so fast that somebody tried to tell it to me this afternoon.
 



Joke Du Jour

A Special "Thank You" to C.N. for this Submission!


* In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Kreme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?"

And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds.

And Satan smiled.
 

* And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them.

And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.
 

* So God said, "Try my fresh green salad."

And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side.

And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
 

* God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them."

And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter.

And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.
 

* God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good."

Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."
 

* God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds.

And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels.

And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.
 

* Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them.

And Man gained pounds.
 

* God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.

And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?"

And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!"

And Satan said, "It is good."

And Man went into cardiac arrest.
 

* God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created HMO's.
 



Jose

A Special "Thank You" to W.W. for this Submission!


When young Jose, newly arrived in the United States, made his first trip to Yankee Stadium, there were no tickets left for sale. Touched by his disappointment, a friendly ticket salesman found him a perch near the American flag.  Later, Jose wrote home enthusiastically about his experience.

"And the Americans, they are so friendly!" he concluded.

"Before the game started, they all stood up and looked at me and sang, 'Jose, can you see?'"


No Excuses!

A Special "Thank You" to C.N.for this Submission!


One night, a torrential rain soaked Central Minnesota. The next morning the resulting floodwaters came up about six feet into most of the homes.

Mrs. Olson was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Lena, waiting for help to come.  Lena noticed a baseball cap floating near the house, then she saw it float far out into the front yard then back to the house.

It kept floating away from the house then back to the house.

Her curiosity got the best of her so she asked Mrs. Olson, "Do you see dat dere baseball cap a floatin'  away from the house, den back again?"

Mrs. Olson said, "Oh yeah, dass my husban, I tole dat dummy he's gonna cut the grass today come Hell or High Water."
 


Some Famous Last Words

A Special "Thank You" to G.B. for this Submission!

It's fireproof.
What does this button do?
Are you sure the power is off?
Pull the pin and count to what?
Which wire was I supposed to cut?
I wonder where the mother bear is.
I've seen this done on TV.
These are the good kind of mushrooms.
I'll hold it and you light the fuse.
Let it down slowly.
OK, I'll go ahead and make your day.
This doesn't taste right.
So, you're a cannibal
 



 EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS

A Special "Thank You" to C.N. for this Submission!


1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, Lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs ---and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco

2. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch, the nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA
 

3. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a woman I asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
 



EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS

A Special "Thank You" to W.W. for this Submission!


When young Jose, newly arrived in the United States, made his first trip to Yankee Stadium, there were no tickets left for sale. Touched by his disappointment, a friendly ticket salesman found him a perch near the American flag.  Later, Jose wrote home enthusiastically about his experience.

"And the Americans, they are so friendly!" he concluded.

"Before the game started, they all stood up and looked at me and sang, 'Jose, can you see?'"

Back by Popular Demand!!!


WALKING ON WATER

A Special "Thank You" to C.N. for this Submission!

THERE HAVE BEEN ONLY THREE MEN TO WALK ON WATER

Do you know who they were?
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The 1st one was Jesus....
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The 2nd one was Peter (the apostle)...
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Then there was this guy, Jose..............
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A Blonde and A Puzzle

A Special "Thank You" to C.N. for this Submission!


A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me.I have a new jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster"

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then .." he said with a deep sigh, . .. . . ..

"Let's put all the Kelloggs Corn Flakes back in the box."
 


The Motorist

A Special "Thank You" to W.W. for this Submission!

A speeding motorist was caught by radar from a police helicopter in the sky.  An officer pulled him over and began to issue a traffic ticket.

"It seems everyone is out to get me lately.  How did you know I was speeding?" the frustrated driver asked.

The police officer pointed somberly toward the sky.

"You mean," asked the motorist, "that I'm not just being paranoid?  Even *He* is trying to get me?"
 



The Class

A Special "Thank You" to N.P. for this Submission!


The parishioners of Saint Gregory Roman Catholic Church prevailed upon Father John to have a class to help them to answer the questions some of their Protestant relatives and friends had been asking them about Halloween.

So, the class began at 8:00 a.m. the following Saturday morning in the church.  Most of the parishioners attended.  Around 11:00 a.m., some of the parishioners began to think Father John was being a wee bit long-winded.

At the same time, a young wife of one of the ushers remembered that she had left the Saturday dinner in the gas range at a high temperature setting.  She hastily wrote a note and slipped it to her husband, who was one of the ushers.  He, thinking it was for Father John, calmly walked up and gave it to Father.

Father John took the note with a smile.  As he read the note, he smile faded, turning into a terrible frown as he read: "Please go now and shut off the gas."
 


A Million Dollars

A Special "Thank You" to W.W. for this Submission!

The school of agriculture's dean of admissions was interviewing a prospective student.

"Why have you chosen this career?", he asked.

"I dream of making a million dollars in farming, like my father," the student replied.

"Your father made a million dollars in farming?", echoed the dean much impressed.

"No," replied the applicant.  "But he always dreamed of it."
 



Have a Headache?

A Special "Thank You" to G.B. for this Submission!

Next time you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:

"Take two and keep away from children."


A Thief

A Special "Thank You" to A.D. for this Submission!

A thief and his girlfriend were walking down Main Street when she spotted a beautiful diamond ring in a jewelry store window.

"Wow, I'd sure love to have that!" she said.

"No problem, baby," the thief says, throwing a brick through the glass and grabbing the ring.

A few blocks later, his girlfriend was admiring a leather jacket in another shop window.

"What I'd give to own that!" she said.

"Sure thing, darling," the guy says again, throwing another brick through the window and snatching the coat.

Finally, turning for home, they pass a Mercedes car dealership.

"Boy, I'd do anything for one of those!" she said to her boyfriend.

"Forget that!" the guy moans.  "Do you think I'm made of bricks or something!?"



exercise suggested for seniors to build muscle

A Special "Thank You" to C.N.for this Submission!
 

Just came across this exercise suggested for seniors to build muscle.

The article suggested doing it three days a week.

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.

Try to reach a full minute; then relax.

Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then 50-lb potato sacks.

Eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.


Odds 'n Ends

A Special "Thank You" to G.B. for this Submission!

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Never mind the dog beware of the owner.

Who tested Preparations A thru G?

If I had known I was going to live this long I would have taken better care of myself.

I just remembered...I'm absent minded.

The older I get the better I was.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
 



Pre 4-letter words

A Special "Thank You" to C.N. for this Submission!


When insults had class.....These  insults are from an era when cleverness with words was still valued, before a great portion of the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words!

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:  She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison," and he said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." - Winston Churchill

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." -  Moses Hadas

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." - Abraham Lincoln

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." -  Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." -  Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." - Robert Redford

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." - Thomas Brackett Reed

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"  - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening.  But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
 



The Annual Senior Citizen Test

A Special "Thank You" to W.W. for this Submission!


It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test. As we grow older, it's important that we keep mentally alert. Below is a way to gauge your loss, or non-loss, of intelligence.

So, take the following test to determine if you are losing it, or are still "with it."

N.B.  The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you have chosen your own answer.
 

OK, relax, clear your mind and... Begin.
 

1. What do you put in a toaster?
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," then give up now and go do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, "bread," go to next question.

2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," please do not attempt the next question. Your brain is obviously over stressed and may even overheat. It may be that you need to content yourself with reading something more appropriate such as Children's World. If you said "water, proceed to question 3.

3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," what are you still doing here reading these questions????? If you said "glass," then go on to Question 4.

4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany. (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany.) Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing. Unfortunately the engine fails and the plane crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors, East Germany or West Germany or in "no man's land"?
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Answer: You don't, bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING else, you are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a plane crash. Your efforts would not be appreciated. If you said, "Don't bury the survivors", then proceed to the next question.

5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get in. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!

This is a psychological tool called "misdirection" and it is used by Magicians and Politicians to divert your attention from what is actually happening to what they want you to think is happening, and/or has happened.

When Politicians use it, it is a form of deception and unethical behavior.  Politicians use it to try to deliberately confuse people by making them think that the Truth is a Lie and all of their Lies are the Truth!  By so doing, they can more easily manipulate and control gullible people and make "puppets" out of them because they eagerly believe their Lies.


Little John's story..............

A Special "Thank You" to C.N.for this Submission!


A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.The next day the kids came back and 1 by 1 began to tell their stories.

"Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife.She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

"Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher.

"What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?"

"Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's drinking."


It happened....

A Special "Thank You" to W.W. for this Submission!

Five out of Four people have trouble with fractions.
(t-shirt)

New study claims nearly half of U.S. population likely to develop mental disorder; critics say that's crazy.
(FOXNews headline last week - the "crazies" network, a.k.a. the network devoted solely to telling litanies of lies and which HATES the Truth!)



The Sleepy Blonde

A Special "Thank You" to G.W. for this Submission!


A male lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to New York.

The lawyer leans over to the blonde and asks if she would like to play a fun game.

The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains how the game works:

"I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and visa-versa."

Again, the blonde politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer, "Okay, how about this, if you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn; she asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Air-phone with his modem and searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour of searching for the answer he finally gives up.

He wakes the blonde and hands her $500.

The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the blonde and asks: "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

Again without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
 



The Pope

A Special "Thank You" to G.B. for this Submission!


The Pope is touring America.  When he is being driven from the airport to his hotel in a limousine, he remembers that, despite all of the vehicles he has driven, never before has he driven a limousine.

So the Pope asks his chauffeur if he can drive for awhile. The chauffeur hesitates, but you can't say no to the Pope.

So he stops and lets the Pope drive. Now, the Pope, being a mature senior, tends to get easily excited.  So he begins driving and puts the pedal to the metal a wee bit too much and ends up going 50 in a 25mph zone.

So the Pope gets pulled over by a cop. The officer walks up to the window, looks at the Pope, tries to look in the back, and asks the Pope for his license.

The Pope says that he doesn't have a license.

So the officer says he has to go back to his patrol car and orders the Pope to stay put.

Now, in the patrol car, he radios to a buddy of his "hey, betcha can't guess who I just pulled over."

His buddy asks: "Willie Nelson"?

The officer says "No",

His buddy asks: "Donald Trump"?

The officer says "no".

His buddy asks: "well then, who is it?"

The officer replies: "I don't know who he is, but he has to be the VIP among the VIP's because the Pope is his chauffeur!"


For Catholics Only

A Special "Thank You" to A.B. for this Submission!

This information is for Catholics only. It must not be divulged to non-Catholics. The less they know about our rituals and code words, the better off they are.

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass.

CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip-sync.

HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.

RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.

INCENSE: Holy Smoke!

JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to find colleges with good basketball teams.

JONA: The original "Jaws" story.

JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.

KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.

MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

MANGER: Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. (The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.)

PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.

PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.

RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.

USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.
 



New Wives

A Special "Thank You" to G.W. for this Submission!

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

Jimmy had married a woman from Australia. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Scottish girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a landscaper.


"We Didn’t Know!"

A Special "Thank You" to K.G. for this Submission!


An Irish Priest tried to impress upon his Congregation the terrible sufferings of the damned in Hell, saying:

“The damned in Hell stew and steam eternally, forever and forever, in a lake of boiling fire. The hot pitch sticks to their skin, and the flesh peels away in great bleeding gouts, and the blood turns to steam, but the flesh is miraculously replaced so that the punishments may be renewed. The sinners gouge at their own eyes so that they might see no more of the horrors of Hell, but the eyes too are renewed beneath the foul stink of the hair burning on their scalps. And if they try to rise from the lake of fire even into the foul and sulphurous air for what little relief it might give, the devils are there to shove ‘em back under with their pointed pitchforks. They scream and they wail and they cry out to God, they say:  God, God, we didn’t know!

And the spirit of God moves over the lake of fire, and He leans His gentle countenance over the sinners, and in His merciful, gentle voice, He says: Well, now you know!


Two Wornout Banknotes

A Special "Thank You" to W.W. for this Submission!

Two wornout banknotes are on their way to the mint to be pulped. On their last journey, they reminisce over their lives.

"What are you?" asks the first.

"I'm a hundred. Oh, I've been all over. I've been to the best restaurants, the snazziest shops, good liquor stores, the big exciting cities -- New York, L.A., Vegas...   How about you?"

"I'm a one. I've never been to those places. Been to a few diners, a candy store. But mostly churches. I've been to the Baptist Church, the Methodist Church, the Presbyterian Church, the Catholic Church..."

"What's a 'church'?" asks the hundred.



Morality - The Final Exam

A Special "Thank You" to L.P. for this Submission!
A college class from the Philosophy and Religious Studies department, focused on the moral teachings of Jesus, arrived for their final exam to find a note on the board: “The exam has been moved to Founders’ Hall 315, and will begin promptly at the scheduled hour.”

Founders’ hall was all the way on the other side of campus, so there was a mad scramble for the door as the students rushed to make it to the exam on time. They pushed and shoved one another, shouldered pedestrians out of the way and nearly trampled an old beggar they encountered on the Commons, but all of them arrived, sweaty and out-of- breath but promptly, at the designated room in Founders’. The professor waited until they were seated, and addressed the class.

“Who among you stopped to give something to the beggar?” he asked. “Or should I say, to the graduate student I paid to portray a beggar?”

Utter silence. The professor said sadly “You have all studied the teachings of Jesus diligently, but I am afraid not one of you shows evidence of having learned a thing. You failed the examination.”


Musical Churches

A Special "Thank You" to W.W. for this Submission!

A man had been shipwrecked on a remote island in the Pacific, and was alone for 20 years. When a ship finally arrived, his rescuers were impressed with the three buildings he had built and asked him about them.

"Well," the man replied, "this is my house, and that building over there is my church. It's a wonderful church and I hate to leave it."

"And what is the third building yonder?" a rescuer asked.

"Oh, that is the church I used to go to," the man replied.



The Back Yard Garden

A Special "Thank You" to G.B. for this Submission!

A young girl is playing in the garden and saw a long legged flying insect.

She turned to her Father, pointed to the insect, and asked: "Daddy, what do you call that?"

Her Father looked at her and said: "That's a Daddy Long Legs".

The little girl turned back to the insect which had now been joined by another insect. Agan, she turned to her Father and asked: "So daddy, is that a Mommy Long Legs?".

Her Father looked at her and said:  "No sweetheart, they're both Daddy Long Legs".

Puzzled, the little girl turned back to the insects and promptly stamped on them and said:  "Don't want any of that queer nonsense in my back yard garden!"


A Monkey

A Special "Thank You" to G.W. for this Submission!

A monkey is sitting in a tree drinking whiskey.

A lizard walks past, looks up, and says to the monkey: "Hey, what're you doing?"

The monkey replies, "Drinking whiskey.  Come up and have some."

So the lizard climbs up the tree, sits next to the monkey, and they drink whiskey.

After a while the lizard says his mouth is "dry" and he's going to go to the river to get a drink.

The lizard climbs down the tree and staggers over to the river to get a drink of water, but he is so drunk, he leans over too far and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this, swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side.

Then he asks the lizard: "What's the matter with you?"

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting up in a tree with a monkey drinking whiskey, got drunk, and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out, and wanders off into the jungle.

He finds the tree where the monkey is sitting finishing up a bottle of whiskey.

The crocodile yells up to the monkey and says: "Hey!"

The monkey looks down and says: "WOW!!!........ Just how much water did you drink?!"


Dear Lord...

A Special "Thank You" to T.R. for this Submission!

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!"

While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again.

As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late.......But please don't shove me either!"


A SENIOR MOMENT

A Special "Thank You" to C.N.for this Submission!


I love this one!

A very "self-important" college freshman attending a recent football game, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.

"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one," the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear him.

He loudly continued:  "We, the young people of today, grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, men walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing and...," pausing, he took another big gulp an expensive, imported beer.

The Senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said to him: "You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young........

........so we invented them!

Now, you arrogant little boy, what are YOU doing for the next generation?"

The applause was resounding.....  I love  senior citizens!
 


A police recruit

A Special "Thank You" to W.W. for this Submission!

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"

He replied, "Call for backup."



Holy E-Mails!!

A Special "Thank You" to C.N. for this Submission!


One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.

When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.

God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion."

So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time.

When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good."

God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what the e-mail said?

???
??????
?????????
????????????
???????????????
??????????????????
?????????????????????
????????????????????????
???????????????????????????
??????????????????????????????
?????????????????????????????????
????????????????????????????????????

Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either.


Ten Commandments

A Special "Thank You" to S.Y. for this Submission!

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
 



Misplaced Faith!

A Special "Thank You" to S.Y. for this Submission!

A certain man saw lots of TV weather reports during a 24 hour time period about a big rain storm coming, the left-overs of a huge hurricane.

And so it began to rain and rain and rain!

Then the police came to his door and told him to evacuate.

"No," replied the man standing in his dorrway. "I believe in the Lord; the Lord will save me."

After it had continued raining for days and days, a terrible flood had come over the land.

The waters rose so high that the man was forced to climb onto the roof of his house.

As the waters rose higher and higher, a man in a rowboat appeared, and told him to get in.

"No," replied the man on the roof. "I believe in the Lord; the Lord will save me."

So the man in the rowboat went away.

The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.

The waters rose higher and higher, and suddenly a speedboat appeared. "Climb in!" shouted a man in the boat.

"No," replied the man on the roof. "I believe in the Lord; the Lord will save me."

So the man in the speedboat went away.

The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.

The waters continued to rise. A helicopter appeared and over the loudspeaker, the pilot announced he would lower a rope to the man on the roof. "No," replied the man on the roof. "I believe in the Lord; the Lord will save me."

So the helicopter went away.

The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.

The waters rose higher and higher, and eventually they rose so high that the man on the roof was washed away, and alas, the poor man drowned.

Upon arriving in heaven, the man marched straight over to God.

"Heavenly Father," he said, "I had faith in you, I prayed to you to save me, and yet you did nothing. Why?"

God gave him a puzzled look, and replied: "I warned you with many TV weather reports, I sent you the police to help you evacuate, I then sent you a rowboat, followed by a speedboat, and finally I sent you a helicopter.  What more did you expect?"

 


The Final Word!!!

A Special "Thank You" to C.N. for this Submission!


A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, " I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
 

I love this part....

"Only when he's been drinking."


Payday

A Special "Thank You" to C.N.for this Submission!
 
A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.

When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him: "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied: "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner
of his left eye.


How's your math?

A Special "Thank You" to K.M. for this Submission!

Little Zachary was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything... Tutors, Mentors, flash cards,Special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother Hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.

To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, little Zachary got an "A" in math.

She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no. "Well, then," she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? "WHAT WAS IT ALREADY?"

Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."
 


32 Things You Can Do with Beer

A Special "Thank You" to C.N. for this Submission!

By Joe Kita, Men's Health

Beer is so good that you should be able to do more with it than just drink it then flush it away. I'm bathing in it now, submerged in the sweet smell of Original Badebier Neuzeller Kloster-Brau, a German brew of 16th-century origin that costs $77 per 3-liter bottle. It's blacker than motor oil (and only slightly less viscous), but it's uncommonly delicious. In fact, after I had uncorked the bottle and sampled it, it seemed criminal to pour it into a tub of hot bathwater. This stuff is for my insides, not my outsides.

But when I punch on the Jacuzzi jets, my beer bath foams into an impressive head. Had I known about this possibility before, I would be the cleanest man in North America. After 20 minutes of soaking, I step out, heeding the brewer's advice to towel off without rinsing. I expect my skin to be tacky and tart smelling, like a fraternity floor the morning after homecoming. But my wife buries her face in my chest and says I smell like fresh bread. The yeast — left in to soothe the skin — had made mine smooth and luxurious.

If Badebier weren't so expensive and difficult to obtain (international money orders or cash only to Neuzelle, Germany), I could become a bubble-bath addict.

The experience started me thinking about other possible uses for my favorite beverage. What if beer were like WD-40 — an indispensable product with hundreds of household uses? The next time your bride complains about all the room it's taking up in the fridge, you could argue that it's not just beer, it's lawn fertilizer, a necessary kitchen-safety tool, and an integral part of a chess set.

And, of course, research shows that, in moderation, drinking beer has significant health benefits. It's time, gentlemen, to make beer an even bigger part of our world. Here are 32 new reasons to love it.

1. BATHE IN IT
Instead of sipping a beer, try soaking in it. Pour a bottle of German Badebier in the tub and lie back for a real bubble bath.

2. PUT OUT A FIRE
Although certainly not as effective as a real fire extinguisher, a can or bottle of beer can mimic one if none is available. Simply shake and spritz. After all, beer is mostly water. This works on small grill flare-ups, and some people have been known to carry an emergency can in their car in case of engine fire. Or at least that's what they tell the state troopers.

3. MARINATE MEAT
Beer is slightly acidic — and that makes it an excellent meat tenderizer, says Linda Omichinski, R.D., a nutritionist. This allows you to enjoy leaner cuts that otherwise might be too tough. Beer also won't alter the meat's flavor as much as wine- and vinegar-based marinades do. Poke a few holes in the meat, put it in a Tupperware container (we know you have them) or a large resealable bag, and add beer. (English ale is great for beef.) Marinate in the refrigerator for a few hours or, better yet, overnight. Do not drink the marinade.

4. POLISH POTS
In days of yore, the last bit of beer from spent kegs was collected and used to polish the copper vats in breweries. Greg Smith, general manager of the Idaho Brewing Company, is keeping the tradition alive by using beer to put a shine on the copper-top tables in his Idaho Falls establishment. "Because of its acidity," he explains, "you can just pour some on, let it sit for a while, then wipe it off. It also works well on Revere Ware pots."

5. MAKE BEER BARBECUE SAUCE
Ingredients:

1 medium Spanish onion, diced
1 medium banana pepper, diced
3 cloves garlic, minced
2 Tbsp capers
5 ripe tomatoes, diced
1 small can tomato paste
1/3 c each wine vinegar, olive oil, soy sauce, brown sugar1 Tbsp balsamic vinegar
2 Tbsp each Worcestershire sauce, Tabasco, honey, Dijon mustard, horseradish, oregano
2 Tbsp fresh ground pepper
1 tsp cumin
Dash of ground clove
12 ounces amber ale or porter

Combine all ingredients in a large saucepan and boil for 10 minutes. Lower heat and simmer about 4 hours until thickened. Cool and refrigerate for 24 hours so the flavors can meld. Then baste everything but the dog with it.

6. SHAMPOO HAIR
Not only is beer the remedy for a dull party, it's also the cure for dull hair. Dump a cup into a small saucepan and bring it to a boil over medium heat. Let it reduce until there's 1/4 cup left. This removes the alcohol, which can dry hair. Let the beer cool, then mix it with a cup of your favorite shampoo. Pour it into an empty shampoo bottle, then wash and rinse as usual. It'll give your hair more shine and luster.

If you don't like to cook, the Dogfish Head Craft Brewery in Lewes, Delaware, sells 10-ounce Beer Shampoo bars (made with its pale ale) that'll put a nice head on your head. The brewery also makes Beer Soap from its chicory stout. Each bar costs $6 (plus shipping) and can be ordered at www.dogfish.com or (888) 836-4347.

7. LOOSEN RUSTY BOLTS
Pour some beer on them and wait a few minutes. The carbonation may help break up the rust.

8. CLEAR UP BROWN SPOTS IN YOUR LAWN
According to Andrew Lopez, a professional gardener, the fermented sugars in beer stimulate plant growth and kill fungi. He recommends spraying either home brew or Rolling Rock (both are chemical-free) on those annoying brown spots in your lawn. (Either that, or just stop peeing there.) "The grass will absorb the sugar in the beer and draw energy from it," Lopez explains.

9. STEAM CLAMS OR MUSSELS
Fill a large steamer pot with equal parts water and beer, then bring to a boil. Steam the randy little mollusks until their shells open. Couldn't be simpler. The beer imparts a nice flavor.

10. PASS A KIDNEY STONE
As you've undoubtedly noticed, beer is a diuretic. It helps flush the kidneys and bladder. This can be beneficial if you're suffering from a bladder infection or kidney stone. "You can drink water or cranberry juice," explains Dr. Alexander, "but beer also works. It helps dilate the ureters [the tubes connecting the kidneys and bladder], which may help you pass a stone quicker and easier. Plus, the alcohol will take the edge off the pain." But don't drink beer if you're taking antibiotics or narcotic pain medications. You'll render the drugs useless and make yourself sick.

11. BOIL SHRIMP
Open three 12-ounce bottles of Yuengling Premium or a comparable mild pilsner and pour them into a large soup pot. Wait for the beer to go flat (about 2 hours), and then add 1/4 cup Old Bay Seasoning and 2 tsp ground turmeric (to turn the shrimp a rich yellow). Bring to a boil over medium-high heat, and then cook for 5 minutes.

Meanwhile, rinse 2 pounds of extra-large raw shrimp in cold water and drain. Add them to the pot and stir. Cover and cook for 5 minutes, no more. Quickly remove the shrimp using a large slotted spoon. Serve immediately with cocktail sauce and, you guessed it, more beer. This same recipe makes great lobster, but cook it for 12 to 15 minutes.

12. KILL SLUGS
Gather a few empty salsa jars (or similar wide-mouth containers) and fill them a third of the way with cheap beer. Then bury them about 15 feet from your garden, girlfriend, or whatever you're trying to protect. Make sure the rims are almost level with the soil surface. For some reason, slugs love beer. They'll find the traps, drop in, and drown. Do this in the evening, let them party all night, and give them an honorable burial in the morning.

13. FIND DUE NORTH
Okay, here's the scenario. A bit far-fetched, we admit, but look who's going to be our next president. Let's say you're hopelessly lost in the wilderness, and all you have is a can of beer, a sewing needle, a small bowl, and a pair of extra-large silk panties. (Because this is a matter of life and death, the camp counselor should give hers up.) First, open the beer, pour some into the bowl, and let it go flat. (Better drink the rest; this may not work.) Next, magnetize the needle by stroking it repeatedly in one direction with the panties. This will generate a charge of static electricity. Then float the needle in the beer. When it stops, it'll be pointing in a north-south direction. Now get outta there!

14. SOOTHE TIRED FEET
Pour a couple of cold ones into a bucket and soak your dogs. "Ice-cold beer with lots of carbonation can be soothing for tired feet," says Dr. Alexander. Stop at two; you don't want to start staggering.

15. MAKE A BEER SLIDE
Forget volleyball and croquet. At your next party, lay a large vinyl tarp on a slope, then make it slick with lots of beer. Have your friend’s strip down to their underwear or swim trunks, get a running start, and slide downhill on their butts.

16. LOWER YOUR BLOOD PRESSURE
John Palmer, a hypertensive home-brewer and engineer in Monrovia, California, puts a handful of dried hops or hops pellets (available at any home-brew store) in a coffeemaker and brews them with hot water. It makes for a bitter tea, but he claims it brings his blood pressure back to normal within 10 minutes by dilating the capillaries. "There may be something to it," says Dr. Alexander. "A person who's intoxicated is usually flushed and sweaty. Some ingredient is dilating the blood vessels, which, in turn, lowers blood pressure." We don't advocate this as a replacement for medication, though.

17. TRICK A CHEAP LANDLORD
Live in an apartment where the landlord pays the heat bill and sets the thermostat pretty low? Ice up a can of beer in the freezer, then set it atop the lockbox that encloses the thermostat. The cold from the beer will trick the thermostat into thinking the temperature has dropped so it'll turn the heat on.

18. BAKE BEER BREAD
You already know how to put a bun in the oven. Now it's time to go all the way. Here's a healthful, foolproof recipe for high-fiber beer bread from the book Tailoring Your Taste, by nutritionist Omichinski:

Ingredients:

2 3/4 c all-purpose flour
2 Tbsp each sugar, baking powder
1/4 c ground flaxseed
1 tsp each salt, dried basil, dried rosemary, thyme
1/2 c unsalted sunflower seeds
1 Tbsp cooking oil
12 oz beer, at room temperature

Mix all the dry ingredients. Add oil and beer. Stir until dough is just mixed. Put dough in a greased 9x5x3-inch loaf pan. Bake at 375 F for 45 minutes or until nicely browned. Remove from oven and let bread cool in pan for 10 minutes. Remove from pan to cool some more.

19. CATCH MICE
Slugs aren't the only pests with a fatal attraction to beer. According to Neil Herbst, owner of the Alley Kat Brewing Company in Edmonton, Alberta, you can also trap mice with it. He recommends setting out a few small pails or bowls of beer (his competitors', never his own), with a small ramp leading up to the lip. The mice will be attracted by the smell, hop in, drink their fill, then be unable to climb out.

20. TIE A FLY
This tip is from the book Curiosities of Ale and Beer, published in 1889: Mix beer, chimney soot, walnut leaves, and a little powdered alum in a small pot. Bring to a boil, and then chill. Dipping any natural materials you're using in this solution prior to tying is supposed to make for a tighter, more attractive fly. No promises as to whether it will catch more fish, though.

21. CURE INSOMNIA
Greg Smith, author of The Beer Drinker's Bible, says women often show up at his brewery asking to buy not his beer but the hops he uses to brew it. "They sew it into pillows," he explains. "The smell of it is supposed to be a sleep aid, especially for colicky babies. I've never tried it, but we get enough requests that there must be something to it." Hops is a type of flower, though, so be careful if you have allergies.

22. MASSAGE YOURSELF
A full can of beer is a great self-massage tool, according to Dori Love-Bentley, a certified massage therapist. For instance, take off your shoes and roll a can underfoot. Or put one in the crook of your back or between your shoulder blades and lean back against a wall, rolling it around as you do so. It works just about anywhere — quads, gluts, neck, and calves. "The pressure loosens up muscle tissue," explains Love-Bentley, "and encourages blood flow to the area."

23. CALM AN UPSET STOMACH
Sipping on a highly carbonated beer can settle a stomach just like Seven-Up or Sprite can. Plus, the alcohol helps buffer pain. "I've never seen a true medical study supporting this," says Dr. Alexander, "but I have patients tell me it works. The only time you have to be careful is if you have an ulcer or gastritis. Alcohol can inflame that."

24. BUILD YOUR NEXT HOME
Earthship, a house in New Mexico, has walls made of empty beer cans and concrete. Amy Duke, a spokeswoman, explains that instead of using forms for the cement, builders put down alternating layers of mortar and cans. You can do the same to create retaining walls for gardens and other landscaping. Earthship also contains a thermal-mass refrigerator that uses full cans of beer as insulation. The cans line the walls of the unit, helping keep the temperature constant while minimizing energy usage. A ceiling vent allows frigid desert air to flow in during the night. The beer absorbs this cold, but never freezes because of its alcohol content. When the hatch is closed during the day, the beer releases the coolness. The same thing happens when you open one and drink it.

25. COOK RICE
Rinse 1 cup jasmine rice in water. Do it twice more, then drain well. Next, dump the rice into a medium-size pot and add 12 ounces of beer. (A nut-brown ale works well.) Bring the mixture to a boil, turn the heat to low, and cover the pot. Simmer for 20 minutes, then remove from the stove and cool for an additional 10 minutes. The rice won't be lumpy, and it'll have a nuttier flavor — just like you after you eat it.

26. STOP SNORING
If your log-sawing is ripping a hole in your marriage, try this simple remedy: Get a pocket T-shirt and a 6-ounce mini-can of beer. Put the can in the pocket and fasten it closed with a safety pin. Just before you go to bed, put the shirt on backward. Research shows that you're more likely to snore when resting on your back. This little setup prevents you from rolling over. Plus, come morning, you won't have to get out of bed for breakfast.

27. BUILD A PLANE
No doubt about it, Duane Mathis is just plane nuts. A pilot and aircraft aficionado, he started building model airplanes out of beer cans about 10 years ago. Now, at his Web site(www.bcairoriginals.com), he sells the plans for eight categories of beer-can planes, including vintage tri-wings, helicopters, Warhawks, and ones that actually fly. Brings new meaning to the term "getting buzzed."

28. ROAST CHICKEN
To make "Swampman Dan's Drunken Chicken," buy a few medium-size whole birds and a six-pack of beer. Drink half a can of beer, cut off the top third of the can, and add 1 tsp salt, 1 tsp pepper, 1 tsp Worcestershire sauce, 2 Tbsp liquid crab boil, and 1 tsp Creole seasoning.

Then shove the can into the chicken and place it in a secure, standing position on the grill. As the brew boils, it'll intoxicate the bird with flavor. Takes about 1 hour.

Compliments of Swamp Cookin' with the River People

29. ICE A HAMSTRING
Frozen or very cold cans of beer make great ice packs. Hold one against whatever is ailing you — a sore muscle, a sunburned neck, a pounding headache. With an Ace bandage, you can even wrap a frosty 16-ouncer against the back of your thigh. Or use a sweatband to strap a can near your elbow after a tennis match. "A metal can will transmit the cold very rapidly," says Larry L. Alexander, M.D., medical director of Central Florida Regional Hospital's emergency department. Just make sure to put some thin fabric between the skin and the beer can to avoid frostbite.

30. BUILD DELIGHTFUL PATIO FURNITURE
To start, you'll need:

About 65 assorted beer caps
1-foot square piece of 1/4-inch plywood
Four, 1-to1 1/2-inch-square, 18-inch posts
Four 12x2-inch strips of lattice
Four, 3-inch dry-wall screws
Some tacking nails
A tube of tub-and-tile adhesive

Simply screw the plywood to the posts, brace them with lattice as shown, and glue the caps to the top in whatever creative arrangement you like. Warning: Don't leave the finished table out in the rain, because the caps will rust.

31. TAME A WILD HAIR
A few drops of beer is sticky enough to subdue any sudden uprising on your eyebrow or scalp that you spot in a barroom mirror. Just wet your index finger and demurely slick it down. Think of it as Miller mousse.

32. SCALE FISH
Nail or glue three or four beer caps to a sturdy piece of wood that's roughly 6 inches long, 1 inch wide, and 1/2 inch thick. Keep the caps in a line and make sure the serrated edges are facing out. Then attack those fish.


COLONBOSSCOPY

A Special "Thank You" to K.M. for this Submission!

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain ,
"Because I run all the body's systems,
 so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood ,
"Because I circulate oxygen all over
so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach,"
 Because I process food and give
all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs,
"because I carry the body wherever
 it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes,
"Because I allow the body to see
 where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the! rectum ,
 "Because I'm responsible for
waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum
And insulted him, so in a huff,
he shut down tight.

Within a few days,
the brain had a terrible headache,
the stomach was bloated,
the legs got wobbly,
the eyes got watery,
and the blood was toxic.
They all decided that the
rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story?

The a@@##@e is usually in charge !!
 



Got the right sign?

A Special "Thank You" to C.N. for this Submission!

PAN HANDLING WORKS IF YOU'VE GOT THE RIGHT SIGN!

 Jose and Carlos are panhandling at the freeway off ramp.

 Jose drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.

 Carlos only brings in 2 to 3 dollars a day.

 Carlos finally asks Jose how he can bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day.

 Jose says, "Look at your sign." It reads: "I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support"

 Carlos looks at Jose's sign.

 It reads: "I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico".


 Two Polish hunters

A Special "Thank You" to C.N. for this Submission!


Two Polish hunters from Chicago hired a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six.

As they started loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot tells them the plane can take only three moose.

The two Polocks objected strongly, stating; "Last year we shot six moose and the pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.

Unfortunately, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few minutes after takeoff.

Climbing out of the wreck, Stasiu asked Waldek, "Any idea where we are?"

Waldek replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year!”


Living the OLD Law TODAY!!! 

A Special "Thank You" to C.N.for this Submission!
 
Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law as found in the Old Testament!

This is also something which certain Protestant Preachers constantly trumpet and admonish EVERYONE to follow and to obey or they just can not be a real "Christian"!!!

(N.B.  For the record - "Protestantism" is not "Christianity" unless historically all ex-Catholics - including the ex-Catholic Bishops and Priests who started up "Protestantism" - as well as "born-again ex-Catholics" are fraudulently classified as bona fide "Catholic Christians"!)
When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly forbids homosexuality "because it is an abomination". End of debate.

But, I do need some advice from you regarding some of the other specific laws of the Old Testament and how to follow them:

For example:  I would like to sell my Daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7.  In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for selling my Daughter as a slave-wife?

Leviticus 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this life-time slavery applies to Mexicans, both men and women, but not to Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadian male and female slaves?

I know from Leviticus 11:7-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean - "nor shall you touch their carcasses" (Leviticus 11:8) - but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
 


DOA Choices:
1) Department of Agriculture
2) Dead on Arrival

A Special "Thank You" to C.N. for this Submission!

An arrogant Department of Agriculture (DOA) representative stopped at a farm and told with the old farmer:  "I need to inspect your farm."

The old farmer said: "You better not go in that field."

The Agricultural representative said in a wise tone: "I have the authority of the U.S. Government with me. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on agricultural land."

So the old farmer went about his farm chores.

Later, the farmer heard loud screams. He saw the DOA rep running for the fence, and close behind was the farmer's prize bull.

The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets and was gaining at every step.

The old farmer called out: "Show him your card!"

QUESITON:  Did DOA end up DOA because of the bull???!!! 


Jest a' Walkin Down Da Street

A Special "Thank You" to C.M. for this Submission!

Two teenie-boppers, Carol and Patty, were jest a' walkin down da street.

Carol noticed a compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up.  She opened it, looked in the mirror and said: "Hmmm, this person looks familiar."

Patty said: "Let me look!"

So Carol handed her the compact.

Patty looked in the mirror and said: "You dummy, it's me!"
 



DEEP THOUGHTS BY MEN WHILE FISHING

A Special "Thank You" to C.N. for this Submission!

Two men are out ice fishing at their favorite fishing hole, just fishing quietly and drinking beer.

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Mel says, "I think I'm  going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."

Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."


Pie a'la Box

A Special "Thank You" to R.S. for this Submission!


A man walked into a bakery, carrying a pie box.

He approached the clerk at the counter.

The clerk said: 'Yes, sir, what can I do for you?"

The man replied: "I want my money back!  I bought this here pie yesterday."

The clerk looked at him and said: "But, where's the PIE?"

The man said: "I et it!  ALL of it!"

So the clerk asked him why he thought he should get his money back if he had eaten all the pie.

The man replied: "See hair'e on the box?  It seys it's supposed to feed 6 people!  I am NOT 6 people!"
 


The ol's Have IT
Ole'  Ole'

A Special "Thank You" to P.T. for this Submission!

A Woman is worried about an older Woman, a Widow, who lives in the apartment next door.  She hasn't heard anything, or even seen her, for a few days.

So, she tells her Son: "I want you to go next door and see how ol' Mrs. Pierpoint is."

A few minutes later, her Son returns.

"Well, is she all right?" the Mother asks.

"She's fine, but she's annoyed with you," he says.

"At me?  Whatever for?"

"Well," says her Son, "Mrs.  Pierpoint told me it's none of your business how old she is."



Animal Humor

A Special "Thank You" to G.P.for this Submission!
 
Q: How do elephants swim?
A: With their swim trunks.

Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
A: Unique up on it.

Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit?
A: Tame way.


A Blonde Meets Saint Peter

A Special "Thank You" to G.G. for this Submission!

A dumb Blonde died and went to Heaven.

When she got to the Pearly Gates, she met Saint Peter who said, "Before you get to come into Heaven, you have to pass a test."

"Oh, No!" she said.

But Saint Peter said not to worry, he'd make it easy.

"Who was God's son?" said Saint Peter.

The dumb Blonde thought for a few minutes and said "Andy!"

"That's interesting... What made you say that?" said Saint Peter.

Then she started to sing "Andy walks with me! Andy talks with me! Andy tells me..."


Misc.

A Special "Thank You" to T.G. for this Submission!

Q: What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start.

Q: What is the opposite of progress?
A: Congress!
 



A Couch Potato

A Special "Thank You" to K.W. for this Submission!

After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment.

This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth.

The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird! The table!"

Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Goony bird! The shelf!"

Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds.

"Wow!" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!" So she bought the bird and took it home.

When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. "Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!"

The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Goony Bird, my foot!"


 The Blonde

A Special "Thank You" to S.P. for this Submission!


Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy-efficient kind.

Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the windows had been installed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them yet.

Hellloooo? Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So I told him just exactly what his fast-talking sales guy had told me last year... namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! "Helllooooo?" (I told him). "It's been a year!"

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.... He hasn't called back, probably too embarrassed about forgetting the guarantee they made me. Bet he won't underestimate a blonde anymore.


Blonde On A Diet

A Special "Thank You" to T.R. for this Submission!

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."

When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nods: "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."

"From hunger, you mean?"

"No, from skipping."


Actual entries from hospital patient charts

A Special "Thank You" to C.N. for this Submission!

1. The patient refused autopsy.

2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.


Voice Mail

A Special "Thank You" to C.N. for this Submission!

Most of us have resigned ourselves to the fact that voicemail is an irritating, yet necessary part of our lives. Consider what it would be like if God installed voicemail on Heaven’s switchboard. Imagine praying and hearing the following:

Thank you for calling Heaven.
                    For English press 1
                    For Greek press 2
                    For Latin press 3
                    For French press 4
                    For German press 5
                    For Italian press 6
                    For Dutch press 7
                    For Sweedish press 8
                    For Portuguese press 9
                    For Celtic press 10
                    For Gaelic press 11
                    For Danish press 12
                    For Arabic press 13
                    For Hebrew press 14
                    For Spanish press 15
                    For Mexican press 16
                    For all other languages, press 17

Please select one of the following options:
                    Press 211 for requests
                    Press 212 for thanksgiving
                    Press 213 for complaints
                    Press 214 for all others

I am sorry; all our Angels are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us, and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.

If you would like to speak to:

                    God the Father, press 321
                    God the Son, press 322
                    God the Holy Ghost, press 323

To find a loved one who has been assigned to Heaven press five, and then enter his or her Social Security number followed by the number sign. If you receive a negative response, please hang up and dial area code 666.

For reservations to Heaven, please enter J-O-H-N followed by the numbers, 3:16.

For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs and life on other planets, please wait until you arrive in Heaven.

The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a Religious holyday.

If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local Pastor.


 True or False?

A Special "Thank You" to S.P. for this Submission!


Can you guess which of the following are true and which are false?

Answers are below.

1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.

3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.

4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.

5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!

6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.

7. Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.

8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.

9. The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.

10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.

11. The average housefly lives for one month.

12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.

13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.

14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.

15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day.

16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.

17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.

18. The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.

19 John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie."

20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State Anthem.

21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.

22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.

23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.

24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are used in vein transplant surgery.

25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.

26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.

They are all TRUE ... Now go back and think about #16!!!


Bad puns

A Special "Thank You" to C.N. for this Submission!

* I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

* Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

* Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

* The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Circumference.

* To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

* When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

* The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

* A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

* A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

* When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.

* The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

* The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

* The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

* If you take a laptop computer for a run, you could jog your memory.

* A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.


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